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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you card from 4 year old?

321 replies

tinyshinyanddon · 12/02/2014 03:48

Went to the birthday party. Brought gift. Then a few days later the mother send out an email to all guests:
"I've decided not to make Lucy write thank you cards thus year. She loves all her gifts, each and every one."
There is more blurb at the start and end about thank you for coming/didn't we have a great time/blah blah blah.
Is it just me or is this rude? Clearly Lucy would not be writing the cards anyway (just signing them) so basically mommy can't be arsed. May be its normal?

OP posts:
Megrim · 12/02/2014 18:16

I also make sure that the DCs write a short note to say thank you for a birthday or Christmas gift. At 4, Lucy could have just done a squiggle at the bottom of a note written or printed out by her mum. Texts and emails are just a bit lazy in my book.

somewhereinessex · 12/02/2014 18:20

Mine write thank you cards for every present they get - friends or family and have done since they could scribble/draw a picture. Most kids at their school write a note after their parties too. Basic politeness.

brooncoo · 12/02/2014 18:22

Folk that get their knickers in a twist about thank you cards always come across as very conditional givers - not someone who really just enjoys going without having a list of expectations from the recipients - judgemental, anal killjoys who think that their way is the only way.

Yama · 12/02/2014 18:28

YABU - I wouldn't expect a thank you card from a 4 year old.

In fact, I'd rather the practice was done away with entirely as I'm sure it's something only women feel pressurised to do.

whiteblossom · 12/02/2014 18:29

loonvanboon My post refers to my cousins mother not all mothers in general.

somewhereinessex · 12/02/2014 18:30

Sometimes I just want to know that my nieces actually get what I send them (after having been given a highly detailed description by email/phone as to what they want...)!! Any form of communication would be fine by me...maybe next year?

chemenger · 12/02/2014 18:31

brooncoo exactly; these people seem more concerned with themselves than with the gift receiver. I don't see that a card some poor child has been forced to write is any real expression of gratitude. They should be given the choice of writing the card or giving the gift back - imagine how many rules that would break! I am assuming that these people send a thank-you card to the party giver for the party bag, I hope they don't just say thank you as they leave, after all the party giver has gone to a lot of trouble and expense.

pigletmania · 12/02/2014 18:32

Somewhere no, saying thank you, whether, it is done via mouth, text, card, call is politeness, not saying thank you us rude. Would you expect a 4 year old to write out 20 plus cards or draw 20 plus pictures, no, nor would anybody expect it, especially from children who have only just mastered writing their own name. Usually a thank you is more than enough.

resipsa · 12/02/2014 18:33

YABU cause you've been thanked by email.

But I am genuinely surprised by the number who say they have NEVER sent or received a thank you card. Frankly, that's a bit weird as even if you don't send them, not everyone is like you so it's odd never to have received too.

I read some of these threads and wonder if some people would even be 'arsed' to attend their parents' funerals Hmm. Is it truly cool not to care (or to be seen not to care)?

I must be getting old.

takingthathometomomma · 12/02/2014 18:37

resipsa why on Earth would never having received a thank you card mean I wouldn't be "arsed" to attend my parents funeral?

You're right, I couldn't care less about sending or receiving thank you cards. I thank in person and/or text. What does that have to do with how much anyone cares about other things?

TamerB · 12/02/2014 18:38

YABU. I much prefer a small party and the child opens it in front of them and just says 'thank you'.
At that age it is just written by the parent and the child hasn't a clue, they might or might not sign it. It will say
Dear .......
Thank you for the ........... I hope you enjoyed my party.
Love from ......
Just imagine it- or take the general one.

somewhereinessex · 12/02/2014 18:41

Mine used to write their name on a card downloaded from the computer or we sent a photo of the party with all the kids in at that age. Good writing practice!! Now (8 and 9) they divide up the people they need to thank and then write on each other's behalf, usually adding pictures.They can get quite creative.... I was brought up to do thank you letters so I guess I just carried on.

resipsa · 12/02/2014 18:43

Umm, no need to get excited. Just that, as I said, many threads seem to be populated by those who don't seem to care much about anything and berate those who do (whether it be insignificant (as here) or otherwise).

Hey ho. I'm off to write my than you cards.

treaclesoda · 12/02/2014 18:47

well, I was one who said I'd never received a thank you card (I'm referring specifically to children's presents though, I have received and sent thank yous for wedding presents, or gifts received when a child is born) and it actually makes perfect sense that its a 'never' or 'always' thing. In the sense that I've never received one, so when I had kids of my own it never occurred to me that anyone would expect me to send one. If throughout my life I had received thank you cards any time I gave a child a birthday present then when I had kids I would have done it too. Probably Wink

brooncoo · 12/02/2014 18:50

Thing is- lots of folks might have been raised where thank you cards weren't the done thing, if folk bang on about thank you cards being the only way to express manners etc then you are narrow mindedly saying that those who don't do as you do or were brought up as you were are rude and not as polite or considerate as you. You are showing a lack of tolerance to other people's ways or up bringing.

This thread has been pretty tame compared to past threads.

resipsa · 12/02/2014 18:53

So, Treacle, tell me - what is the difference between a gift given for a newborn and a gift given for, say, a 2yr old? Why, in your household, does only the first merit a card?

resipsa · 12/02/2014 18:58

There is a difference between (1) not doing something others might do because it's not on your radar to do and (2) not doing something because you can't be bothered which seems to be a theme of some posts here.

That's all.

treaclesoda · 12/02/2014 19:06

Well, as I said, because that is how everyone I have ever given a gift to has done it, so that is how I have done it too.

But if pushed to explain, my logic would be because a wedding occurs only once, a child is born only once, and the presents are usually not given in person. Whereas a child's birthday present is handed over in person, at the party, and a verbal thank you occurs.

But as I said, it simply comes down to the fact that I do what I've been brought up doing, what is 'normal' to 'us', and I behave accordingly. It's nothing to do with not being arsed and everything to do with what is the norm in my experience. If I began sending thank you cards my friends and family would think it strange.

pigletmania · 12/02/2014 19:07

Well that's up to you, some children find writing very difficult. Yes we used to write thank you letters back in the day, but things have moved on. My dd6 has ASD and has motor planning difficulties, so I call each gift giver and thank them, and out her on the phone to say thanks. As long as tge receiver seats thank you, it dies not matter one jot how it's done!

pigletmania · 12/02/2014 19:08

Says doh

pigletmania · 12/02/2014 19:09

Gosh my I pad is having a field day Smile

KatnipEvergreen · 12/02/2014 19:15

Did a joint party recently for the whole class and made a joint thank you note, got mine and other DC to sign, copied it and distributed in book bags.

I used to send lots of thank you cards but now do more texts, emails and thanks on Facebook. I do always say thank you though. It's just all a bit easier and one less thing to worry about.

KatnipEvergreen · 12/02/2014 19:17

I sent some relatives MMS/email with a photo of her opening the present, which they loved.

FastWindow · 12/02/2014 19:26

I do thank you cards from my ds3 but only for the grandparents, old aunts we never see and who sent a cheque anyway, that kind of thing. Not for those people I ring every other day anyway.

It's called managing expectations. Don't want to seem ungrateful.

Funny enough though I don't expect any myself!! A verbal thanks is fine by me.

So YABU a bit to expect one... YANBU to be a bit puzzled at the way she went about it. Very ott of her. But then it annoys me unreasonably when my exh and a block email or at Christmas to say he's not sending any cards this year but has made the equivalent donation to charity. It's because he's a bit of a knob, not the charitable donation but the trumpeting of it...

RawShark · 12/02/2014 19:28

When I get a thank you card I think it's nice but ultimately just one more thing for the recycling. Text or email is fine - I would expect them to mention the present but if they didn't I'd just figure the dog ate the list.
Also it could go on an on and on in a hailstorm of paper:
a)invites sent for party
b) child has party
c) attendee brings gift to say thank you for party
d) party bag distributed to attendee to say thank you for coming to party
e) thank you card sent to attendee to say thank you for present
f) thank you card to say thank you for your thank you card.... (ok , only joking here, but still, is there etiquette for acknowledging thank you cards that I don't know about?