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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect a thank you card from 4 year old?

321 replies

tinyshinyanddon · 12/02/2014 03:48

Went to the birthday party. Brought gift. Then a few days later the mother send out an email to all guests:
"I've decided not to make Lucy write thank you cards thus year. She loves all her gifts, each and every one."
There is more blurb at the start and end about thank you for coming/didn't we have a great time/blah blah blah.
Is it just me or is this rude? Clearly Lucy would not be writing the cards anyway (just signing them) so basically mommy can't be arsed. May be its normal?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 12/02/2014 19:34

I'm very old-school and I did get my kids to either say thank you in person (when they were too young to write a note) or actually write a short note when they were older.

I always made a list of who gave what as well.

I agree with NannyOgg - manners seem to be getting eroded these days.

I've noticed a steady reduction in thank you notes and I think it's really bad manners when you see a Thank You notice in a local paper or whatever for someone's wedding/21st presents.

I always think that just means the person is really lazy and doesn't even know who gave which gift.

If the party child opens the present and thanks you in person that's absolutely fine.

pigletmania · 12/02/2014 19:45

Believe it if not, I sent thank you cards for all our wedding presents to everyone

pigletmania · 12/02/2014 19:47

But getting dd to write dozens of cards us painstakingly slow and she finds it very hard

KatnipEvergreen · 12/02/2014 19:52

So did I, piglet. And for DDs' presents when they were born, got them all done within two weeks. But (I hoped anyway) I was only going to get married once and only give birth a couple of times. People had made such an effort to get generous and lovely gifts so I thought I would make an effort to write in person.

I do think the email the OP received was a bit naff- I've never not had some kind of note after a child's party. But a step up from not saying anything!

Seff · 12/02/2014 20:33

I'm not a fan of thank you cards, especially from a 4 year old. If a child has to be "made" to write them, they're not sincere and I don't really want one.

If my DD asked to send them, then obviously she would. Although I wouldn't believe it would have come from her, it would have been MIL in her ear - but that's a different matter.

I don't assume that someone has bad manners because they don't send a thank you card. I didn't send them after our wedding, we had other circumstances going on and anyone who was that offended by the fact, I'm not bothered about anyway.

MIL once told us about how their friends wouldn't send a gift for a couple's new baby because they hadn't sent thank you cards after their wedding (may well have been about us, I don't care) which I thought was especially rude. I don't send a gift to receive thanks, if I give a gift it's about the giving, not what I might get in return.

So, although it's nice to receive them, I would never expect one, and I wouldn't want one that was forced and insincere anyway.

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 12/02/2014 21:37

yabu - we don't send and have received I think one thank you card in the 9yrs of dds attending parties. It doesn't bother me.

BerryBerryXmas · 12/02/2014 21:47

YABU I actually hate getting thank you cards because it makes me feel like I have to send them and I don't see the point!! They've said thank you, that's enough. Can we all just make a collective agreement to stop sending them and just STOP ALL THE FAFF!! OK, rant over.

BerryBerryXmas · 12/02/2014 21:49

By the way it is different if it is sent in the post, but then I would ring because it's more personal

PavlovtheCat · 12/02/2014 21:54

and, what do you do with all these thank you cards you should be getting? There would be squillions of 4 year old scrawly writing cards, some from children you hardly know and care little about how wonderfully their ability to draw 'people' has come on, after a while. So, having demanded a sincere and genuine card, using effort, bribery and cajoling to get them to understand the need to be grateful, at least an hour spent writing them out, then what? Chuck them in the bin? You can't possibly keep them all, so, all that effort is to be thrown away? When in fact you got a 2 second thank you that she most likely was not cajoled into making at the party and a happy birthday girl, which is the point of the present right?

PavlovtheCat · 12/02/2014 22:00

manners seem to be getting eroded these days I disagree. I have done a poll, of two (me and DH) and one was made to write birthday cards (he is now 40, he almost spat that out at me!) and one was not made to write thank you cards. So, that, around 30 something years ago, was a 50/50 split of did/did not, so actually it seems not much has changed, we are just moaning about it more thanks to t'internet.

So once upon a time, some families did Thank You Cards, and some didn't. About the same as now.

StopSquabbling · 12/02/2014 22:04

I always made mine write thank you cards, even when they could barely write Confused

Couldn't care less if we get one or not. They'd usually be found lurking screwed up in the bottom of school bags at the end of term.

Youngest is 11 and still does them, but not for much longer I guess.

fuckwittery · 12/02/2014 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 12/02/2014 22:08

I've never heard of this!

It's only ever been done after a wedding around here. At least as far as I know!

I find the whole thing really bizarre.

TamerB · 12/02/2014 22:17

I would get them to write to people who are not around. A party was simple. We as a few children, they opened the presents and they thanked the child as they opened it.
It is so cold and impersonal those days. Large numbers come, presents are removed and put in a black sack. The giver never sees it opened. It is opened after they have gone home. The birthday child hasn't a clue who it was from- or can't remember by the next day- and then the mother writes a letter on the computer and the child might write their name.
They might as well hand out the note as the present is given- it is so impersonal!

TamerB · 12/02/2014 22:18

Sorry - asked a few children

TamerB · 12/02/2014 22:19

You can't expect a 4 yr old to hand write 10 or more letters, it is very hard for them.

TamerB · 12/02/2014 22:20

Especially if they then have to do relatives.

cerealqueen · 12/02/2014 23:11

How is it rude, you were thanked! I am all for thank you cards - my nephews have been very lax as I'd send gifts in the post and hardy got any thanks but that is different.

You get a party bag no doubt, and an email. If I were the mother, I wouldn't even have mentioned the fact that she wasn't making her daughter write the cards, as that is probably what has irked you.

If my daughter is drawing or painting around xmas/birthday, I keep the picture and send it to relatives, goes down much better than a card. I get Dd to write her name on it, and I write a message, job done.

splasheeny · 13/02/2014 00:14

Personally I think thanking in person should be enough.After dd's 2nd birthday I texted people to say thank you, and mentioned the gifts. I thanked someone for the dolly I thought they are bought and they replied saying they actually hadn't brought anything. So mentioning presents can needlessly embarrass people, when mix ups happen.

BobFlemming · 13/02/2014 01:04

YABU. my 5 year old still can't write and I honestly don't have the time to sit and write cards for the sake of adult vanity. If an adult got the arse about this, that's there business.

Bumpsadaisie · 13/02/2014 07:24

In my mind the need or not to write thank yous is linked to whether the person saw you open the present. Eg kids parties - there is often just a pile of presents that the child opens afterwards. Personally I think it's nice to get some acknowledgement that re gift was opened and that they have registered that it was from you.

If the child opens the gift with you there and says thank you after that is ok.

pigletmania · 13/02/2014 07:27

I think a phone call is better, more personal, that's what we do for Christmas and birthday gifts, and a picture e mailed of tge child playing with the toy. Thank you cards for a child's party are not necessary, as long as the child/parent says thank you that is enough and should be. The fact that they said thank you, is the manners, how it's done does not matter.

Seff · 13/02/2014 07:42

I expect that somebody is grateful/thankful that I gave a gift. I don't need a piece of card to tell me. That's not why I send a gift. I would never ever consider it bad manners not to receive one.

Thank yous and thank you cards are all about the giver. If the act of giving doesn't make you happy, but a thank you card does, I think you need to re-evaluate why you send gifts in the first place.

NewtRipley · 13/02/2014 16:16

Seff

Excellent point

TamerB · 13/02/2014 17:51

My DCs were never in the least interested in the thank you letter. I didn't find them worth reading as they were computer generated by the mother. If asked, without looking at a list, I don't think they would have a clue what you gave. It is a nice thing to do- but churned out in a meaningless way. Much better for the giver to see it opened with a verbal thank you.

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