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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
MrsOakenshield · 11/02/2014 15:30

how do you know that, though? You have never allowed them to demonstrate it and it doesn't sound as though they are inclined to do so - are you telling me that neither of them have said 'Mum, can you not do that please, I'm not a baby?' to the toothpaste, for example? If the answer is no - then of course they are not independent. I wonder what they would say if you said to their girlfriends 'oh, I run their showers and put their toothpaste on their toothbrushes every morning' - if they weren't mortified, then I would be worried (and I'd fully expect their gfs to run for the hills, quite frankly).

You say you are happy doing it - so what you are saying is that you are happy to baby your grown up children, you are happy that they are happy to be babied, and you're happy they are so dependent on you. Not good, any of it.

wordfactory · 11/02/2014 15:32

skivvy I'm sorry but wanting things doing now is utterly childish!

Is anyone prepared to be the responsible adult in your home?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/02/2014 15:35

I would not want any daughter of mine to be your son's girlfriend. All you're teaching them is that mummy runs around after them and that's what women are for. They will go into a relationship expecting exactly the same.

Teach them to be independent! What on earth are you going to do when they leave home?

Dahlen · 11/02/2014 15:38

Think is skivvy - that if you got you DC to do things more regularly, they'd be able to do it a level that meets your standards. Then you have a real win-win situation - you do less, they are competent independent adults. At the moment, you do it all and they are capable only of functioning to the minimum standard.

Like everything in life, practice makes perfect. If your DC were learning to play a musical instrument, would you expect them to be any good at it if they knew the principles but only got to practice once in a blue moon?

The same is true of valuable life skills.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/02/2014 15:43

Slightly amazed these kids ever learnt to walk as trussing them up and throwing them into a wheelbarrow to push around is so much quicker

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 11/02/2014 15:49

Do you tie their shoe laces too?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:50

Like I said further up thread from as from Monday I'm going to let them do everything for themselves apart from washing and cook Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:50

Pobble they have Velcro Wink

OP posts:
GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 11/02/2014 15:51

It almost reads like you think you're doing the right thing, proud of it almost.

People are beating around the bush but what you ate doing is wrong, babying, stunting their independence and personal growth and possibly harming their future relationships.

You wouldn't bind a toddlers legs so they don't learn to walk for themselves do you? Or always feed a child with a spoon as it's quicker and saves mess? It's similar but with skills. They need to be able to grow up, develop confidence in their own skills, responsibility for themselves and the effect they have on others.

It sounds like you're considering changing but at the same time don't really see the harm you're doing.

LadyInDisguise · 11/02/2014 15:52

As a general parenting rule, I ireder to let my dcs do as much as they can and give them as much independence as possible. And that means the ability to do things in their own, eg going out and about, as well as responsibilities, eg looking after their own stuff, preparing meals etc...,

As a child, my mum doing so many things for me would have driven me potty!!!

And seeing other adults, it us also clear that having someone doing things for them all the time means that they haven't learnt. Ie they don't know how to run a washing machine, how to iron, expect someone rhea to tidy up for them (a very big issue for me!) etc...,

But I get that you do that sort of things for your dcs when they are little and it can be hard to stop doing it and letting go. It IS hard to accept that your dcs are growing up. And it IS nice to see things done 'the right way' but if they never have the opportunity to try and do it, when and how are they going to learn????

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/02/2014 15:56

"Like I said further up thread from as from Monday I'm going to let them do everything for themselves apart from washing and cook"

Ok, great. Now what are you going to get them to do for others?

Are washing and cooking off limits because they help other people out as well?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:56

Goodness I'm not proud of it!and can see everyone's points but I know they could do it,
if they make their own supper they will do the dishes afterwards or if I'm not here on a Sunday they will get the football kit themselves!

But when I'm here I just do it old habits die hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:59

I get home before everyone so I prepare tea and I put a washing on before work I get home before everyone so I'll hang it up

They can get their own breakfast, packed lunch, make their own bed and tidy their room

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/02/2014 16:04

Great, and good on you for taking all of our Shock faces in your stride.

Why not start tomorrow?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 16:06

Cause I'm going to give their rooms a good clean Grin

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 11/02/2014 16:07

It's up to you, but realistically they are going to need to know how to use a washing mating and cook a week's hot dinners on a budget at some point. If you deny them that knowledge, you will have done them a disservice.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/02/2014 16:10

Um... are you joking? How is teaching them to tidy their rooms when you've just tidied them in any way helpful?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 16:12

I'm joking just start the week as I intend to go on

OP posts:
woodrunner · 11/02/2014 16:13

I want to know why you call yourself Skivvywoman. Is that what you see yourself as?

You're not alone though. I do far too much for my two. I butter their toast! They're teens! I'm now trying to step back but that mother hen stuff runs quite deep, doesn't it? Opposite to you, I do it because no one ever did it for me, and I didn't learn how to cope because I never witnessed the establishment of organised routines. It was just fend for yourself chaos, which backfired. So the fact you do it doesn't make them incapable, necessarily but it's probably worth giving them some weeks (during the holidays maybe?) when they do it all for themselves, as much to learn how to time stuff as everything else.

DipMeInChocolate · 11/02/2014 16:17

My mum did everything for me as none us could match her standards. I started out not having a clue how to take care of a house. Thanks to Flylady I'm pretty much there. I'd like my DC to know how to cook and clean before they move out and as long as they help me out with the house then that's fine.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 16:18

No don't see myself as a skivvy, it's just tongue and cheekSmile

Ds1 has managed 2 weeks for the last 2 years fending for himself, whoopee doo I hear you say but he managed fine so I know he can do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 16:19

It probably does stem from my mum just a copying behaviour!

OP posts:
BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 11/02/2014 16:20

My Mum and Dad put toothpaste on each others' brush when they are on holiday. Whoever is up first does it for the other. They only do it on holiday and it's an unspoken act. Weird!

GreenPetal94 · 11/02/2014 16:22

I had to do masses of household chores as a teenager and still resent that.

I have boys aged 10 and 12 and they have a couple of "chores" like picking up dirty clothes, putting away clean, laying the table. Then I do the rest and I know they do appreciate that. They help me cook a bit now and are getting really interested in cooking curries etc.

DIYapprentice · 11/02/2014 16:22

Skivvy - I've read your posts with my jaw dropping... I seriously cannot believe everything you do for your DC and your attitude to it.

Sure, they COULD do things if you were there, but only occasionally.

But doing things on a regular basis, fitting in with the rest of your life, it is a SKILL. It is a skill which needs to be TAUGHT.

Washing the clothes = washing it in in advance of running out of clothes, not hogging the machine when others need it, making sure you have a chance to dry it when it's convenient, getting it ironed and into your own cupboards and not leaving it in everyone's way - all in a timely manner.

Knowing how to do something and knowing how to do them well and easily are two entirely different things.

Good luck with next week - I hope your DC cope well because I feel really sad for them right now.