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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
fancyanotherfez · 11/02/2014 14:02

My DM was like this too- and still goes round to my married 35 year old brothers' house to clean it! It used to drive me potty! I'd try and get up earlier and earlier in the morning just so that I could make myself a cup of tea and have 5 minutes peace in the morning without the constant hovering. I think the difference between women having mothers like this an men is that for men, society reinforces that housework is 'women's work' . So when men get into relationships, they are more likely to accept it as the way it is and expect their partners to dish out the same treatment. If a woman accepts that's the way it is, then she has to learn how to use the washing machine! They should be at 18 and 15 doing a family load of washing and cooking a meal each a week and tidying their own rooms at least. If they don't brush their teeth or get up early enough to have a warm shower, they have to learn the consequences.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 11/02/2014 14:05

My Mum did everything for us whilst we were at home - picked stuff off the floor, washed / ironed / put away, cooked, cleaned, changed beds.....

We thought it was great BUT when I moved out the shock was massive. I couldn't do anything for myself at all. I felt stupid. My brothers are the same and my little brother (34) struggle sin relationships because he expects women to do everything for him.

My DH was the youngest of 3 and once the others were at college / working he was first home on an evening. He could cook for the whole family by the time he was 14 - his Mum said she's never suffer the shame of sending him out into the world not able to cook.

Procrastreation · 11/02/2014 14:13

I don't have a teen - but for my ten year old:

I do Laundry
She does Putting dirty stuff in basket and putting clean stuff back in the drawer

I do Ironing uniforms and cleaning school shoes
She does Anything else she fancies ironed

I do Her dinners
She does Breakfasts and sometimes lunches

I do Clean bathroom. Nag her to brush teeth and hair.
She does All the actual self-care.

I do Keeping home-office stocked, and organising family schedule
She does Organising her school work

PlumpPartridge · 11/02/2014 14:14

I grew up in the Middle East and we had a maid. Yes, a maid. She cooked and cleaned and did absolutely everything.

It was nice at the time (well I say that but I didn't know any different) but when I moved to Uni I was utterly helpless. Couldn't wash clothes, cook, manage money.... I didn't even understand the fiendishly complex bus system and how you went about posting a letter. I wish I were joking. Fortunately I was sensitive to a) criticism and b) being laughed at and resolved to learn how to do everything very very quickly so as to avoid both.

I am now 32 and can more or less cook, clean and run my own house. So the damage is not irreparable, but it would have been bloody nice not to feel quite so stupid in my first year of semi-independent life.

I did ask my parents about this later; my mum shrugged and said she didn't think I'd have that much trouble because none of it was difficult. The implication was that I was being unreasonable for mentioning it.

My DS already tidies up dishes and he's only 2.5

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2014 14:19

Why would they do their own washing when I'm doing the rest of ours?

That's the only part I agree with.

Otherwise - words fail me.

Just how rude am I allowed to be on MN? (And stuff attacking the post and not the poster!)

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/02/2014 14:29

Ok you asked up thread what other people do for their teens.
I have 2 and a 10 year old.

They are expected to- make their packed lunches. Do one load of family washing per day. Take dry washing, fold and put away. They cook one night a week each. They clean the bathroom, Hoover, clean the kitchen 1 night a week each.
They have to bring their dirty washing downstairs if they want clean clothing. They have to walk the dog in the morning. They are responsible for their sports kit- washing it, cleaning boots, having it ready for the appropriate day.

I do the food shopping. DH does the ironing for everyone, because he is odd and likes to disappear for 2 hours upstairs on a Sunday and iron.
DH and I walk the dog in the evening, cook dinner on the other days, do the washing and Hoovering and clean the bathroom
We give lifts to training, and go and watch matches.
We provide money for them to go out at the weekends and a lift on occasion.
We also go to work to support the family.

I have taught my DCs from a young age that no one lives in this house for free. So you don't need to contribute financially but you do need to be a responsible member of the household and help keep it running.

MrsOakenshield · 11/02/2014 14:33

well - goodness. Still, well done for taking it on the chin.

The subtext of all this, to me at any rate, is that you have very low expectations of what your children (one of whom is of course an adult) should be doing. You say they can feed themselves - but if pizza and noodles are the extent of their repertoire then they certainly can't cook healthy balanced meals. You say DS1 has never missed a day's work and gets himself there by bus - that's because that's what he should be doing - there's absolutely nothing to be proud of there at all. (I notice he can't set an alarm and get himself out of bed and into the shower in the morning - that's something to be pretty disappointed by - but you can't be, because why would he be any other way?)

You also say they have DPs and they wouldn't expect them to run around after them - well, you're not a soothsayer, but carry on like this and 10 years down the line DS1 could be married with DC and totally expect his DW to do all of this 'because my mum always did'. Whereas if you bring them up to look after themselves, you have a far higher chance of them being respectful of their DPs and mucking in properly.

I'm actually extremely shocked that you do all this on top of working - you really are saying 'hey! I don't matter at all, me and my needs are totally irrelevant.'

What does your DH do around the house?

on the other thread about lazy arse men I mentioned the relationships we model to our DC - I really don't think what you have been doing is good modelling at all.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 11/02/2014 14:39

I hope this is real, I want to see what your dils post on MN in 10 years time! Grin

IPokedABadgerWithASpoon · 11/02/2014 14:40

When I went to university , I lived in halls with a girl (who was training to be a teacher) who had to call her mum on the first night as she fancied some toast but didn't know how to make it - after 18 years of her mum running around doing everything for her...

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 14:57

Mrs my DH does his fair share he will cook (easy meals) iron,tidy up!

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DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/02/2014 14:59

Erm, my toddler puts her own toothpaste on her toothbrush and wants to run her own shower. Hmm As she is 3 I have to check the temp first but the will is there.

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:01

Why I'm probably not worried is, my mum done absolutely everything for me, DH and I had ds1 very young we stayed at my mums for the first year then we got our own house and I coped fine you just have too when your out in the big bad world!

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MrsOakenshield · 11/02/2014 15:06

most of us in a partnetship do not cope alone, however.

Your DH does his 'fair share' by cooking easy meals, ironing and tidying up, does he? I'm not sure by what reckoning that's fair? Who does the rest of the cooking, washing up, laundry, cleaning, shopping, hoovering etc etc etc? That would be you, and you alone.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/02/2014 15:07

But why make it so hard?

And, tbh I don't understand why every member of your household is not responsible for the day to day running, they aren't even responsible for their own lives ATM.

Surely, it's about understanding that a family works together? I don't know why you would think that when they get married or live with a partner they will suddenly morph into adults that know its all about sharing the load, not sitting back while someone else does it

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:08

Tantrums wow well done getting your 2 and 10 year old to do all that!!
But I would rather they were playing or doing something else at that age

but reading this thread I understand why you would want to start early!

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/02/2014 15:09

Oh sorry, no. 2 teenagers and a 10 year old.
That didnt make sense at first did it?

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:10

Me as I'm happy to do it if I was peed off I'd let them know,it's not that I have to do it I want too!

I work part time DH full time I get in before him so I do the housework

OP posts:
Kemmo · 11/02/2014 15:17

Am I the only one on this thread who is MASSIVELY jealous of the OP.

The though of having enough spare time in the morning to put someone else's toothpaste on their toothbrush is so far from my reality.

I barely manage to remember to brush my own hair :)

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:18

Grin Kemmo I wish I had spare time

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wordfactory · 11/02/2014 15:21

TBH OP, I don't think parenting is about what we want or even what our DC want.

Pleasure is not the measure of good parenting.

Good parenting is about doing what is right. What is best for our DC. And it will always be best to raise independent, responsible young adults.

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:23

That's thing I know they can be independent I just choose to do it, it's easier and it gets done properly!

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PlumpPartridge · 11/02/2014 15:26

So, you're saying that they can be independent.... but poorly?

Wouldn't it be better for them if they learnt how to be independent AND competent?

wordfactory · 11/02/2014 15:26

The idea is to get them to do it for themselves properly.

If someone can't/won't look after themselves properly, they most certainly are not independent or responsible. And the parents' job has not been done well.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 11/02/2014 15:28

I'm not sure that anyone has pointed out that growing up is not just about learning to look after yourself, it's about learning to look after others as well. In your house your sons only ever do things for themselves (e.g. wash, catch the bus), and your husband - sorry but he doesn't do much for others either around the house. YOU are the only one whose life involves seriously doing things for other people. How many times in the last month have you had dinner cooked for you, tea made, breakfast prepared, your clothes cleaned and put away for you, groceries bought, your packed lunch made?

What is really worrying (and cruel) is that your boys have never had to learn that other people are as important as they are, that loving someone means doing things for them, and that applies to them too. If your eldest boy's GF gets pregnant (I'm guessing not far off the age you were?) and she needs some looking after, is he going to even THINK to, let alone be able to cook her a nice healthy dinner, do the washing up and run her a bath? Even if he washes his own clothes, will he think to wash hers, or the towels or bathmat or teatowels etc?

Of course your son can survive being alone for a fortnight, and they are nice to their partners at the moment with no shared responsibilities or adult stresses. But if you think you've actually brought them up to be willing participants in caring for their partners and future children, rather than lazy resentful men in the making, I think you will find you're wrong. You've taught them that other people look after them, as if they'd grown up in a hotel. When they need to do things for themselves day in day out, it will feel very hard for them, and their future partners, colleagues and your future grandchildren will be the ones that suffer from their likely attitude that other people's needs are beneath their notice.

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 15:30

I'm the sort of person who when wants something done I want it done now and I want it done properly, so I'd just be quicker doing myself,

OP posts: