to beg women with lazy sexist arsehole DHs not to have more DCs with them

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Apologies as I'm sure this must have been done before, but some of the threads recently have been SO depressing. I've been on MN 8 years, and it never ceases to amaze me what total fucking arseholes some women are married to. These manchilds are pathetic.

I want to cry when I read that some poor woman is pg with no 3, 4 or 5, and admits that her DH has never helped with a single night wake-up, has hardly changed a nappy, provides no support emotionally or practically, is financially abusive, the list goes on....

I know its more complicated than this, but I just want to scream 'stop having DCs with these complete bastards' 'stop showing them that's its OK to check out of family life'

Yes - you often see 'you don't regret the children you have' said on threads. I think often people do, they just don't say it!

But I am quite open that if I got accidentally pregnant now I would, without question, terminate. DH and I have discussed it and I've made myself clear. Tbh the thought of being pregnant again fills me with horror.

But i would be childless if i hadn't met him.

But Mrs, this is what I don't get -- I asked this earlier in general. Why is the alternative to marrying this man not having children at all? Presumably you could have met someone else.

I don't mean to call you out, but I just feel like statements like this are indicative of women's general pessimism about finding decent partners.

Ferretyfeet i totally agree with you there! I see it so often on MN- people moving in so quickly when its clear they dont know the person that well at all. Even worse when there are dcs involved but they think trotting out the 'i always put my dcs first' line makes it ok.

I agree with MrsOakenshield regarding abortions.

And also with ferrety. SOOOOO many posters on here who move in someone waving more red flags than a Maoist convention after a short time, even with kids in the house.

And then you get the, 'We are only getting one side of the story,' in threads where the OP is writing about blatant abuse.

And then the ones on their 5th date or 5 minutes into a relationship with someone who is absolute shit in bed, a skinflint, a complete loser, an addict and people suggesting how to 'give him another chance' or change him.

WTAF?! RUN! You owe this person nothing. If you have to start second-guessing and negotiating 5 minutes into a relationship, it is shit.

It does all boil to the fact that some people are conditioned to see being single as something bad and that women must nurture, rescue, be the one to give second chances or second guess themselves.

Totally agree expat.

I'm afraid your looking at it from your I'm alright jack prism.pull yourself together ladies
Well clever ole you for having a supportive dh,but it's all a bit smug mcsmug
Yes people do being babies into dysfunctional relationships.many reasons
Fix themselves
Fix relationship
Elastoplast baby to patch over wound in relationship
Give self purpose/role
Numerous reasons

But as I read mn I also think there are posters who like,and enact the woman does all mothering/childcare. Man work,doesn't do childcare. They seem to have v limited view of gender

Who was doing his washing before you moved in if he wasnt smelly?

he paid someone.

I asked this earlier in general. Why is the alternative to marrying this man not having children at all? Presumably you could have met someone else.

Doubtful. I had recently left my exH because he told me he didn't want children. I was 'old'. I was unemployed. I had nowhere to live. Hardly a catch for anyone else. And it wasn't a risk i was willing to take. Don't get me wrong I do love DH - but i probably persevered longer and compromised more than i would have done had i had more options.

Who are you talking to SM?

Sorry if this sounds patronising mrsK but that sounds quite sad. ( sad not pathetic sad) it sounds like you were settling and didnt think you were worth a partner who shared the load.

And the mention that you had nowhere to live is a but worrying.

I'm addressing op premise.

oh dear, i didn't mean it to sound sad. it was more practical than sad. we are happy. he makes my heart still skip. he is thoughtful. he is encouraging. he sends me to bed on saturdays when i look tired. he brings home flowers and dinner. we do have love and romance. Just our beginning was not auspicious. we've kind of worked backwards and fell in love gradually rather than immediately. Anyway, i don't want to totally derail the thread - but in answer to the OP those were my personal reasons to have dc.

YANBU but..... like so many other horrible things, it is a worldwide epidemic. There have been people that do this since goodness knows when, probably the dawn of civilization! What you need to do is(unfortunately) avoid close friendships with this type of woman/couple. They will drain the life out of you with their neverending tales of how much of a bastard their DH is, never do a thing about it, and keep investing in the relationship. I had to cut off a friend that I really liked to do fun things with, but the partner crap was absolutely unbearable. Some people thrive on drama, or don't know any better :-/

I suppose it's nice to think that all women might have that choice. It's not true, unfortunately, though.

I was never offered the kind of nice middle class marriage-then-kids type relationship or life, and eventually you take what you can get, and if you want children you have to have them either by a less than perfect relationship or by sperm donation. I like to think I would leave someone if they were abusive or a dickhead but tbh as a single parent working full time, I'm exhausted, and I can see why people don't want to have a life like mine. Maybe the best solution would be to provide more support for women who don't have the ideal choice available to them, rather than criticising them for choosing to live as they an within the situations available to them?

I dont understand what is so wrong about MrK.
Not for everyone I agree.

Brilliant thread. Finding the derailing from Mrs k about education and her relationship irritating. Start your own thread maybe?

Oh dear. I'm really sorry about that. I was answering specific questions and was responding to other posters points in what i thought was a bit of an open discussion. I don't have any desire to start my own thread about either of those things however, i just thought they were relevant to this one. Apologies everyone.

Hey now. MrsK is just answering our questions, I'd say it's our fault for derailing in that case. I actually appreciate her honesty about what sounds like a complex relationship.

What dreaming said.

Her posts were very much in relation to the thead- tey were helping to show why for so many women they do have children with men who arent as adult/decemnt as uou would hope. Not derailing at all.

Sorry to disappear after kicking off the abortion debate. I'm not a troll, honestly. it was bedtime!

While I'm having a go at taboos, though, can I just say I think it's bloody risky to have children to get love. They are, by nature, egotistical survivors, and it scares me to think anyone would rely on that to receive love. I'm not trying to call anyone stupid (after all, I didn't know the extent of it, either), but I feel very sad for anyone for whom that doesn't work out.

plu. I dont think I have seen a thread on abortion in the 2 years I have been on mumset, much to my surprise, so I dont think one is going to start now.

plu. I dont think, from my very limited knowledge, that most women of whatever background, regret having their children. Could be wrong.

oops. Those 2 paragraphs should really have been sent seperately. I didnt mean for them to go together at all. I was just responding to your 2 seperate points seperately.

Honey there have been several abortion debates and more smaller but less kick offy threads about abortion in the 5 years i have been here but it is still an emotive subjext for many and they do tend to attract extreme opinions from the anti abortionist side. It gets angry and often has to be zapped though there hasnt been one to my knowledge in the last year or so.

Oops. x posted about MrsKoala. HuntingforBunting, you can scroll past posts you don't want to read. BTW, have you set things up so the OP's, your and MNHQ's posts are highlighted? It's very useful for navigating a thread and skipping to what you want to read, although in this case it's more of a discussion, with substantive posts to be found from anyone, not just the OP.