to beg women with lazy sexist arsehole DHs not to have more DCs with them

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Apologies as I'm sure this must have been done before, but some of the threads recently have been SO depressing. I've been on MN 8 years, and it never ceases to amaze me what total fucking arseholes some women are married to. These manchilds are pathetic.

I want to cry when I read that some poor woman is pg with no 3, 4 or 5, and admits that her DH has never helped with a single night wake-up, has hardly changed a nappy, provides no support emotionally or practically, is financially abusive, the list goes on....

I know its more complicated than this, but I just want to scream 'stop having DCs with these complete bastards' 'stop showing them that's its OK to check out of family life'

I actually had this conversation with my best friend many years ago, when she got back together with her emotionally abusive boyfriend for the 6th time -- I said: Sorry, I can't do it anymore. I love you, I still want to spend lots of time with you and we can chat about anything, but I can't talk about your boyfriend anymore. It's just too much.

I was kind of shocked I actually said it (I was a wee bit drunk) and so was she. But she accepted that was fair enough. And actually, not long after, she got rid of him for good. I think it was a bit of a wakeup call.

Similarly, I remember many years ago, finally getting rid of an abusive idiot. And all my friends were like, oh thank god, he was so awful for you! And I said: why didn't you all tell me???? Honestly, if everyone had been honest, it might have gotten through to me.

I know we can't expect other people to be honest and have awkward conversations all the time, but I do think sometimes we need to get rid of this nicey-nicey, never say anything bad about people's partners approach.

For lots if women being pregnant, giving birth and having a sweet newborn are the only times in their lives that they feel valued and important, they may even get a little help too.

Mrs koala, i cannot see any logic in what you are saying. I have a maths masters and completed a level maths in 6 weeks. I think he is yanking your chain over the pasta. Maths is about patterns and order and structure.

He can't do maths! he has no logic ability at all.

I can't believe this has got to 9 pages without any mention of abortion. Not everyone can countenance it, and I suppose it is rather a gruesome idea in a talk forum full of, and for, parents. However, I do worry about the very taboo-ness of it, especially when so much vulnerability comes from pregnancy, whether desired, or with a disaster/abusive father. IMO, any discussion of "having more/ no more children with a waste-of-space man" is incomplete without any mention of this.

Peoples brains work in all sorts of ways. Millions I would presume. So I dont see why people are struggling to believe MrsKoala.

PluCa, I had an abortion because I knew it would be a bad idea to have a child with the father, I had my tubes tied at the same time, that was over 15 years ago.
No hesitation in making the decision and no regrets ever....one of the most sensible things I ever did.

Honey, I think because doing an MA and especially a PhD requires much more than just analytical ability, you need to be very organised and think ahead to future deadlines and what you will need for them. It's hard to imagine that someone will need to ask every day where their pants are, and then sit down at a desk and immediately plug into all the research he's been doing for the last two years. But yes, people's brains do work in strange ways.

Mrs Koala, I'm not doubting what you're saying. But it's also true that if your DH just decided he didn't want to deal with prosaic things like cooking and cleaning not couldn't, but didn't want to you wouldn't know that was the case. The fact that you are not pushing him to do anything certainly makes his life a lot easier.

I'm not sure what is abuse and what isn't. But shitty behaviour that makes your DP/family suffer, lack of support for vulnerable people you are supposed to love (pg women, new mothers etc), and general checking out of any activity you don't feel like doing, no matter how important, is NOT OK.

I give you:

'D'H who has decided he is too busy to help his DW (who had moved overseas for H's job) and DCs MOVE HOUSE. I mean FFS!

And 'D'H who works away in week deciding to leave his DW with his 4 DCs (incl very newborn DTs) for TWO weekends so he can attend a stag weekend and wedding.

The MANY new mothers who come to MN because their 'D'H won't help in anyway with babies.

Women who work FT and still do all housework/childcare.

Women who get given 'spending money' for food, nappies etc and have no idea what their 'D'H earns.

And this isn't even including women who experience physical and verbal abuse.

YANBU

Birds of a feather though.

And these are often articulate, well-educated women, who had choices and opportunities. Could have been and done anything.

And now they are begging for someone to hold the baby whilst they have a shower, hoping to get a few extra quid in their allowance, managing on no sleep for years on end, and often doing a days work once they get home from doing a days work.

I think because doing an MA and especially a PhD requires much more than just analytical ability, you need to be very organised and think ahead to future deadlines and what you will need for them.

No, he doesn't have any time management or think to future deadlines. He basically started all the work for his masters the day he was given them. He had everything written within days. He just works and works till it's done and hands it in months in advance.

He only remember what is important to him. He doesn't care where his pants are. He doesn't care if his clothes are clean (he can't smell them or doesn't see why it matters), or whether they even fit him.

if your DH just decided he didn't want to deal with prosaic things like cooking and cleaning not couldn't, but didn't want to you wouldn't know that was the case

No, but he has never done it since i have known him. He never did any of those things for the 10 years he lived alone before we met, so it would be an elaborate way to fool me!

Exactly, OP

Again, not victim blaming -- with a few different turns maybe I would have ended up in that life myself.

But it's not right and it needs to stop. It's so frustrating to think there's so little we can do.

The DT thread made me actually stabby

Mrs, that's really interesting.

I can see what you mean about he only cares about things that are important to him. I just fundamentally think it's unfair that you have to then take care of all the things in life that are necessary, just because he doesn't think they're important. But you have made your peace with it so it's not for me to judge.

Suzanne, maybe I don't lurk enough on Relationships, but I haven't seen a lot of statements like yours, and the lack of such openness, to me, de-normalises abortion and secret contraception. And if something doesn't appear normal, it might not even be thinkable, and the last thing such a woman would need is more limitations.

What on earth attracted you to this smelly man who couldnt feed himself mrsK

I agree PluCa there does seem to be very little mention of abortion/termination.

As I said I'm fine with it but I tend not to mention it because it's such an emotive/sensitive issue and I don't want the hassle of dealing with the response.

I don't know if other women who've had abortions/terminations feel the same?

I like mumsnet partly because you "meet" all sorts of people.
There will be things that attracted MrsK to MrK and vice versa.
I read somewhere that people are attracted to other people because of the qualities they admire in the other partner that they have not got themselves.

I actually think there's quite a good amount of open discussion about terminations. On threads where women are saying they don't know what they're going to do, it's always raised as an option.

But, I'm from the US originally, where literally half the country thinks you will go to hell for even thinking about abortion. So maybe it just seems like a good amount in comparison.

Ha! he didn't/doesn't smell, he just wouldn't notice if he did (been a couple of times he hasn't noticed putting on a dirty t-shirt and i've had to say, that's whiffy and he says 'oh is it' type thing). He'd be too wrapped up in whatever he's doing. He actually is very smart for work as he obviously understands the need for appearances for work purposes.

When you start dating you don't really quiz people on feeding themselves. But by the time we'd moved in it didn't really matter. I love cooking so it never bothered me. Also the first year we were together i didn't work (made redundant and couldn't find anything). Then found a P/T job so i did all the housework and chores. Then i worked full time for a year and we ate out most nights and with no dc it was easy to bung in a few loads of washing and wipe round the bathroom once a week (he often worked away and very very long hours too). It's not till you have a little baby it starts to get on top of you sometimes. When DS was small DH insisted we got a cleaner and he'd still have one if i didn't say no.

He is a lovely, funny, generous person, and i don't see why he should be alone because he has 'challenges'. I'm not saying it isn't hard. But i would be childless if i hadn't met him. As would he.

Oh dear Honey - does that make me horrid, humourless and mean?

I hope not!

I think abortion is taboo on MN - how often do you hear people justify themselves by saying not all pregnancies are planned etc - no, they aren't but actual births are, surely by a huge margin - they are the result of a conscious decision made by one or both parents to proceed. And I often get the impression on MN that a woman's personal circumstances are neither here nor there. If it is suggested as an option it gets shouted down very quickly, how very dare anyone suggest that X should have a termination. I really do get the impression on MN that pregnancy is some kind of holy grail, and heaven forfend that anyone should suggest that, actually, you know what, it may not be such a great idea after all.

I totally agree,I also cannot understand why women move in with men after knowing them for about six weeks and then having children with them,I think they are off their heads and I think that is a lot of the trouble that people don't get to know their partners properly

Oh mrsK im not saying he should be alone! Im saying he should (or would have to for me to even consder him a proper adult) be able to rustle up a couple of basic meals and wash clothes/ tidy up.

Who was doing his washing before you moved in if he wasnt smelly?

And as he is able to be smart for work dont you think its more a case of him just not wanting to find learning to cook and wash clothes important enough in his world for him to bother with? I mean he can manage to be smart when it matters and there is no way round it (ie you cant turn up to work dressed for him but you can do the cooking and cleaning)