hmmm aibu to ask ... was just reading another thread .. how old do you think its acceptable for your children to move out .. would you let them stay tilmthey were 30 ?

[mummywithsmiles]

Yep just that really , I'm 22 sister 29 and other sister 32 ,we all live with my mum.

My ds is 20 and still gets lots of love and support. I am here whenever he needs me, and he is welcome to come back whenever he needs to. I love him to death.

However, he doesn't want to come back, and is having a whale of a time living with his mates. If he came back and stayed I would be very concerned for him, that he wasn't living properly. I do think that it is a parents role to raise an independent adults. This doesn't mean that they don't need a lot of love and support, it means that they can stand on their own two feet and live by themselves. It isn't about being dependent on each other, it is about growing as an adult. They still need a lot of love and support at any age, but they need to be an independent adult too

And one person's odd is another persons normal. Growing up it would have been odd to leave home in teens or 20ish. Those that usually did that were young mums who then got a council flat or those that married really young or those from really dysfunctional or deprived families who had to leave due to abuse etc.

More than I don't understand the logic that they can't be independent still.

You can live under a roof with someone and live your own life. That problem isn't where you live that's how the people you live treat you.

I see flat sharing as no dfiff to living with family if your treated as an adult by your family if that makes sense lol

It's very hard to find a room in London full stop. If you find one you'll be paying £600 a month if not more for the privilege. Many jobs simply won't cover that.

I know a 31, 34 and 38 year old all living at home at the moment. None are happy about it, all plan not to when they have regular income.

I also know a couple of people who lived at home until late 20s in order to afford massive deposits, as that was the only way to get themselves onto the housing ladder.

I think many posters simply don't understand how difficult things are in London (where the jobs are).

Personally I moved out asap but it was very, very difficult financially in the early years and I am quite jealous of people who could move back home for brief periods after break-ups or to save a chunk of cash.

Again I moved out reasonably early, just after graduating. Didn't think our kids were going to move out, so dh and I moved out. It worked for us, however I think this thread shows there is 'no one size fits all' in this discussion.

Mrs Koala

I think part of living at home so long into your 20s is infantilising, but another part is prematurely ageing. I want DS to be out having adventures not sitting eating shepherds pie with me and DH and watching midsomer murders! There is a natural order of age appropriate behaviour and progression and i think people who stay at home for practical reasons like saving money, miss out on a big chunk of development

This is hilarious but your portraying parents and children like your own set up.

Old does not equal boring, slippers, pipe paper and bed.

My parents were certainly very lively and good fun and great fun to be round...and most of the older people I know in our social circle have amazing social lives...in London, the most fun person I know is past 70....and out all the time in wonderful clubs and has a great job...

I lived with my DM till quite old, ( lower than 30) and she was great fun, we went out together to jazz evenings, and she was brilliant.

I just have this image of an old bar gas fire, dad in slippers and son with a brown cardi on and a massive comb over sitting there like a baby...whilst mummy makes him his shepards pie.

yes of course the young need to go out and experience great adventures...and room share and so on...but living with your parents doesn't always mean your secretly hoping they will put you back in nappies..

Op

I think everyone has to be happy Asian families tend to live together because they want to and it suits everyone

We have a tiny house and I personally wouldn't look forward to ds being here aged 30 we can only fit a 3 seated sofa in our front in as it is a when we have people to visit he has to sit on the floor

If mine had been in need and unable to pay rent of course they could come home but even when staying and drawing unemployment benefit they always chipped in even if it was only £30 a week. Asked dh what he could remember of who stayed when!
Dss1 stayed from July one year to January the next, he was 22.
Dsd never lived at home post 18
Dss2 never lived at home post 18
Ds stayed from June to December the year he finished uni he was 22
Dd never lived at home post 18 though we were a base for her while she had a live in job for an academic year.
We are very proud of them all.

Dd1 still at home at 23. Only got a part time job, cant afford to rent. She hates it, we hate it but what can we do?
Dd2 is 20 and at uni but comes home in the holidays. Same scenario as dd1 above.
Cant see how they will ever get a foot on the housing ladder.

Whoops forgot a 30 year old too, who has been at home for a year or so. Stable job now but was freelancing for ages, sick of flat hunting, keeps getting bumped trying to buy somewhere.

Different cultures have a very different approach to this. I have married into a culture where it is the norm to live with your parents until you get married and for many people even after that. This is partly because no-one can afford to do it any other way and partly because as parents you would be viewed pretty negatively if your kids left at a young age like late teens/early twenties. My dh and his sister both lived at home until their late 20s and left to move in with their future spouses (me in dh's case!)

Dh hated living there at that age and desperately wanted out but dsil would have been happy staying there indefinitely. Mil would be over the moon to have us all living with them mainly because she doesn't really have a life outside of family and work and her marriage is a sham.

I sometimes have been a bit disparaging about the way they all live in eachothers pockets and constantly rely on one another for help but the more time I spend here the more I feel like our way of wanting our kids to go do their own thing at 18 and never come back is really cold and quite selfish. Also I had lived away from my parents for 10 years when I met dh and he was far more capable of doing all home related things than I was. I guess because his dm involved him in every aspect of running a home. We now live 10 minutes from them and see them at least once a week, something I have gradually come round to since having babies!

It depends. I can understand someone moving back in with parents after a separation or crisis of some sort. But I would think someone who had got to 30 and didn't have any needs that meant they couldn't live independently or weren't caring for an ill or elderly parent as a bit weird and not fully adult.

I find this thread very sad and upsetting.

I am myself 25 years old and still living at home. I have no plans to leave at the moment, as I know I couldn't cope, and I don't want to. I get terribly lonely and I know the loneliness of living alone or in a houseshare would kill me. (I lived in a houseshare at university and even though I got on with my housemates, it was still the loneliest time of my life, the loneliness was terrible).

I don't have any friends and would hate to live with strangers.

I suffer from depression and had a very bad breakdown last year. Luckily I'm much better now, but I'm very mindful of my mental health and don't welcome any stress. My mum is my best friend and we are very close especially since last year (the one good thing to come out of the breakdown).

No man has ever been interested in me or wanted me. If I ever have a boyfriend, of course it would be a dream come true to live with him; and of course it would be easier because there would presumably be two incomes coming in.

I do find that most people who move out early move out because they have met someone and fallen in love and want to be with them.

One factor in the breakdown was me feeling worthless and that I had failed because I wasn't married, with a baby, in my own house. I still sometimes feel embarrassed or that my life has not turned out the way I would have wanted it to be, and I will never really get over that. But now I also know that the most important thing is to be a good person and just go through life doing the best you can and not worrying about meeting other people's expectations - people who are strangers and don't even care about my wellbeing or the wellbeing of my family. They just have their opinion, and that is that.

So, you may think it's strange for adults to live with their parents, but I think it's strange for people to be so judgemental and unkind and ungenerous in their opinions of others' choices. You may think you know their reasons and their circumstances, but you never really know their true circumstances or situation.

mummy i agree you can be independent.

look just ignore what people have said to you anything could happen tomorow as long as your all safe and happy now...

clarentine

Your 25!

Your a baby.

I have friends who had moved in with partners straight after uni, seemed to have everything falling into place, great jobs, then one by one, something went wrong, didnt marry, lost job, man went off with someone else, and few of them now in mid 30's are married with kids but quite a few are actually still relying on parents and are single!

I was certainly still with mum at 25 and having a great time, I also found uni to be very lonely.

I have had lots of flat shares in between though and other things and am now married with dc...

your so young...do what you want, if your happy with your mum, what on earth is wrong with that! Its great to get on with your mother. Its a great age to become friends with your parents and like them as people...

I think people just seem a bit tunnelled vision and think the way they live is obviously the way everyone should. Agree with a pp, in my town - your kids moving out young would have been seen negatively.

Clarentine

My DH could have written your thread at your age, uni, break down back with parents...

very bad depression...he was at home for two or three years I think,(which did make it worse) but then he met me, moved out and we have been married for 7 years.

He thought things were hopeless too! Now he is happily married with two amazing DC whom he loves.

This is hilarious but your portraying parents and children like your own set up

Mot my set up at all but lots of others who live at home that i know. My parents actually are the other way. Dad goes out with his mates most nights, they go to concerts, they are hardly in. They were quite definite about having a very good social life, which didn't involve their children. But no matter how great/lively they are i wouldn't want to live with my parents. My dad does irrationally love Midsummer Murders tho - i think it's the scruffy dog, he's a sucker for a mutt

And I also dont think moving out makes you independent either its how you deal with moving out. If someone moved out but parents had to keep bailing them out thats just the same thing.

Mummy - you aren't equally independently setting the house rules. It's not your equal decision what is and is not allowed in that house. It's still someone else's home you are in. They decide the rules. A flat/house share is different as everyone in that house/flat are equal in setting the rules (everything from overnight guests, to who takes the bins out to if you throw a party etc). Parents might be very generous with their rules for their adult DCs, but it's still their say that goes, because it's still the adult children living in a home that's belongs to someone else (either belongs to them because they own it or belongs to them because they are the ones who are responsible for the tenancy/rent).

You can live under a roof with someone and live your own life. That problem isn't where you live that's how the people you live treat you.

It's easy to say that but who is paying the mortgage/rent; the insurance, the upkeep on the house, food, bills etc etc.

I would be disappointed if my DS didn't grow up to be independent and want his own home and I certainly won't be making it 'easy' for him to stay at home by charging a low rent or allowing girlfriends to stay over .

My parents actually sold up and moved away and gave my DB a healthy deposit towards his own home as he never made any effort to leave home. .

Clarentine - I am sorry you are depressed, clearly your example is a lot different to young people 'free-loading' off their parents.

Clarentine - if it's working for you at the moment then good. You are still young and hope you get your life back on track to get it to where you want it to be.

I was still living it home at your age with no partner wondering what was ahead - a year down the line it had all changed completely.

Clarentine - I am sorry you are depressed, clearly your example is a lot different to young people 'free-loading' off their parents.

Why do you assume that? For all your know lots of people living at home may have mental health problems. Of the four I've listed above two do.

Lots of families also can't afford to bung a deposit at their children so they are stuck. Lots of parents are happy to allow "freeloading" if it means their kids can save up and move out into secure accommodation rather than a succession of crappy flatshares.

People should stop comparing what they did in their youth to what their offspring can do. Have you seen the minimum wage for under 21s?? Have you seen the cost of a flatshare in some places? All this "I was living on my own at 17, forced to live off cereal - I managed" bollocks. A). It's not even POSSIBLE to do that these days and B) would you seriously want your offspring to have as shit a life as you did if you could possibly avoid it???

Would some people rather have their grown-up children move out into cheap rented accommodation on a zero hours shitty wage job and have to claim housing benefit to top up? How many threads do you see on here from people moaning about the drain on the public purse?

Really, OP, you are the sensible one here. You recognise that for now, the best place for you as a VULNERABLE NEW MOTHER is in the bosom of your family, surrounded by love and support. So many times mums on here post about how lost and depressed they feel, how they're struggling and the response is always the same "Could you move home for a bit? Just while the baby is small and you find a job etc". It's just SENSIBLE. Remember that. There is plenty of time later for branching out on your own with your child.

Since when did being bunged a large deposit become a prerequisite for moving out?