hmmm aibu to ask ... was just reading another thread .. how old do you think its acceptable for your children to move out .. would you let them stay tilmthey were 30 ?

[mummywithsmiles]

Yep just that really , I'm 22 sister 29 and other sister 32 ,we all live with my mum.

I bumped into an old school friend the other day and asked what he was up to, he said with a completely straight face, very sincerely 'i'm living with my mum and still trying to make the music thing happen'. DH actually laughed out loud as he thought it was an obvious piss take for an almost 40yo bloke to say this. I have so many friends who live like teens still it's quite embarrassing. Oddly they are all male tho. All us girls got the fuck out early, struggled, but it was better than home. The boys were way more spoiled in our circles.

People saying it's soooo difficult for young people to move out these days - why?? It wasn't difficult for me a few years ago, at the age of 18, but maybe that's because I've never known independence without the recession - they coincided. But surely that's the case for all other young people these days, so it shouldn't be a problem.

I left home at 25 when dh and i bought a house.Dh.left at 26,went back to.his parents at 29 and didnt move out again until he was 34! Tbh I think if fil had not put his foot down he would still be there.I know 2 sisters of 39 and 44 who have never left home-very weird.

MrsKoala - ok, in that instance your friend was being a twat. However, for everyone of him, there are many more who can't afford to move out or who have had to move back because of financial reasons. In the case of the OP, she has a seriously ill 5 week old baby and they are both going to need love and support. It is a different situation.

It's my job as a parent to given my daughter a hunger for independence and to go out into the world.

I'd think I'd failed badly if she never wanted to.

I think that younger people can have a sense of entitlement my generation didn't have. I moved out after my A levels. I couldn't afford to rent a house or flat, but I never expected to! I rented a room, my friends rented rooms. None of us would have moved out if we'd expected to be able to afford a flat. We certainly couldn't afford cars either. The younger generation seem to expect both.

I do think parents make a rod for their own backs though if their offspring can afford lots of nights out, clothes, decent car etc etc. my parent made me hand over 1/3 of my take home pay. Why should I have been earning and yet expect to be subsidized by them if I had more disposable income than they did?

Yes, i understand that about the OP and in other specific cases of need. But the original question was quite general, and i have just been musing on the different scenarios IME. Of course if my DC were in that situation i would want them home. I wouldn't want them to martyr themselves when i had a perfectly good home for them. And if me and DH separated i'm sure i would go to my parents till i could get an alternative. But we lived with them for 6wks when we moved back from Canada and that was tough for all of us so i doubt i could cope for too long.

I do find it hard to believe in most cases (unlike the OP) where there isn't a child or dependant, and the 'adult child' has a full time job that they couldn't find an affordable room in a shared house with some sacrifices. Fine if someone doesn't want to, but it in my area it often isn't because it isn't affordable.

I went on a date recently with someone I really liked. Then he told me he still lived at himecwith his mum at 45 and I went right off him. Just like that

So I've decided that my boys have to move out before they're 25 otherwise they'll be at home FOREVER because no-one will marry them

MrsK why is so hard to believe that some families like to live with each other.

I am not talking man child.

I know two wealthier families where they talk of a family compound, where they will buy the two sons a house on same estate ( area) when they get married and they can all live close by, another, again wealthy , helped two DD's live on same road, both dd are sahms, the mum is there ti help both with child care the sisters have each other, their children hav each other, its sounds wonderful to me!

On my road two sisters live opposite, one has longer garden and one has proper drive,they seem to share each others assets and the children have each other...and so on ..

I know failure to launch man...one, and to be fair to him, he has a rubbish view on life and he did fledge...his family ruined him...and his mum has been ridiculous but that;s one...

so if your rich and can buy a seperate house for your dc thats ok, or if your dc can afford to buy a house near you - thats ok but to physically share a house is wrong.

Joy you can still have that hunger, and enjoy life and be independent and help round the house and know how to take care of yourself and want to move on....but right now for many people the best place for them is at home...until they are ready...

people develop at different stages,some people move out and its too much they have not been in right environment, their time will come!

When I moved out I had no problems choosing my own curtains

are you sure!!

Both my dds have left home, eldest for the first time when she was 20 and youngest has just gone and she is 23.
Neither of them had to go, we all got on well but they wanted to be independent.
They know they can come home whenever they want but it has been good for them. They have had to find jobs,rent rooms,learn to budget,find their way around London,make new friends,all good life skills.
My friends ds is 36, he has never left home,goes to work,comes home and onto the internet,that's his life.She worries a lot about him.

Lol I just asked my mum if she would mind me and bubba stayed forever well for the near future anyway ha and she replied " if I want bubba to stay do I have to keep you to " lol love you too mum
I them asked her seriously and said does she feel that were not proving heart proud etc of being independent or make her a bad mum she said

I think it says more about me as a mum that my daughters can tolerate me and want to stay

MrsK why is so hard to believe that some families like to live with each other

I have not said i don't believe that, if i have implied it i didn't mean to - sorry. I'm sure loads do. I still don't think it's healthy if there are more independent options available and you don't need additional support for dependants etc.

so if your rich and can buy a seperate house for your dc thats ok, or if your dc can afford to buy a house near you - thats ok but to physically share a house is wrong.

i also don't believe this at all. i think its people's obsession and sense they deserve to own a property which makes a lot of people not move out. I would expect an adult to leave the moment they can afford rent. And if they are working FT and on at least £15k per annum, round where i grew up (west London - so not cheap) it is possible. There are house shares for £600 a month inc all bills. If you don't want to, then obviously that's up to you and your family. But lots of people say they cannot afford it, when they mean they cannot afford it comfortably and keep the lifestyle they want. It is possible. Just harder than staying at home.

I'd quite happily live in a compound set up with my family and my DH would be happy to join in. We enjoy each other's company, always have, I only left to go to uni about 150 miles away. I came here because I wanted to marry again and have children, was having NO luck at home and was 31.

i think independence is very very important

ds will always have a home with should he really need it but i hope after university he learns to stand on his own two feet, maybe a year travelling then a year at home trying to save

if he is still living with me in his late 20's for no other reason than he likes it i feel i will have failed as a parent on some level and would need to have a good look as to why i am making it so comfortable for him

It is ridiculously expensive to buy a place now

Then don't buy. There is no rule that you have to buy a house. I think people really are expecting too much. People talk about not being able to afford to buy as if it's the only option.

This is a genuine question MrsKoala - will you actively "encourage" your child to move out if he/she shows no sign of doing so by, say, 20ish?

'I still don't think it's healthy if there are more independent options available and you don't need additional support for dependants etc.'

I think it's entirely healthy depending on the person.

My sister lived at home till marriage and then after till they saved for a deposit. They are both very well-adjusted people with great jobs and an active social life. They'd have stayed even closer (they are about 30 miles from my folks now) but moved closer to her DH's job.

I live in west London its defo not that easy to get a 1 bed flat .

My adult DD lived at home until she was early 20s - and I have to say I found being one of two adult women in the same house very difficult. Our relationship improved enormously when she moved out - she's still here a lot, which is great, but boundaries have been re-established. We have our own territory now, and we're both happier for it.

Well my baby is only 17mo and i am pregnant with another so i cannot imagine them leaving atm. But yes, i will, if they are not in full time education then i would expect them to be working and therefore think they should be able to afford it. I would also be charging rent/board till they did. If they asked me to save that to put aside for a deposit i would tho.

i agree why do you do not have to buy, or when you do you buy small with little furniture and build your belongings up

i lived in a flat share, they cost no more in comparssion to earnings than what they did 20 years ago, in much nicer condition and you can furnish your room much cheaper. it's a great way to start living away from home much better for a young adult than living at home with their parents

I live in west London its defo not that easy to get a 1 bed flat

Do you mean they are not available, or not affordable? Not in your position OP, or anyone with children, but i know various single people living in Shepherds Bush, Chiswick, Richmond, Acton and Isleworth who pay £600-£700 a month for a room in house shares which inc all bills. I do understand that outside London these house shares get rarer. As London has such a transient population there are often these rooms available. It's what we all did when we left home and some of my friends who haven't married and settled have just remained living in the same kinds of places - all male btw. Not sure if that makes a difference.

So what if they are in jobs where they're not earning much MrsK e.g. apprenticeships or training programmes?

Would you insist they move out and rent a room somewhere?

I couldn't imagine ever having made my DC move out. They also know that if circumstances dictate there is a home here for them.