Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

271 replies

HavingTwinsThisYear · 10/02/2014 12:27

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 17:36

'However, your twins will be born, and he will see for himself how tough it is. Surely he is not so hateful that he will see that, and go anyway.'

Haahaaha! In all likelihood, he won't even be there. He hasn't seen how hard it is now, he puts himself, his friends and getting pissed as more important than his wife and family. Someone this self-centred never sees past the end of his nose.

JapaneseMargaret · 10/02/2014 17:37

Sparkly - what your ex did was not OK.

There are plenty of decent men out there who don't think it's OK either, and don't have to be talked or convinced out of going, because they never thought it was a good idea in the first place.

I know this can be tough to hear when your partner is not one of those men, but it's important to remind people that there are plenty of decent men out there, and they don't need to accept this shit.

SirChenjin · 10/02/2014 17:40

YANBU at all. Not even one tiny bit.

I don't know what else to say - truly. Not often I'm stumped for words, but I can't offer anything more (other than if you're anywhere near Edinburgh then give me a shout). I'm truly gobsmacked that anyone would want to be away from his family at this time Sad

JapaneseMargaret · 10/02/2014 17:41

I accept I'm probably being naive, expat - I just don't know any men like the OP's 'D'H.

My DH has a huge group of mates, enjoys a night out, but never at the expense of other priorities. Like me, like most of us on this thread, and like his friends, he's an adult.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/02/2014 17:41

Expat he was a perfect husband and person until I reached around 7 months pregnant and then he flipped into someone I didn't recognise. I now know that he had met someone else. He went to work one day and came home the next morning a different person. That's how quickly it happened.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 17:42

I was married to a man like that, Margaret. He contributed nothing in support/help/parenting when I had twins.

They do exist and they are utterly selfish.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 17:44

It's been known to happen, Sparkly Sad. In such a case, well, it's over.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/02/2014 17:47

It is over, but sometimes they won't go because they think they are allowed to have it all. That's why I ask on here what posters would have done because I think I wasn't strong enough and that bothers me almost more than him actually doing it.

minouminou · 10/02/2014 17:48

I can imagine my ex doing a thing like this.
He'd grudgingly change a few nappies then think he was owed the time off.

This is probably why he now lives alone, and why the mother of his daughter moved overseas. This girl now has a lovely man as a father-figure (I'm still in contact with ex's sister).

MissBattleaxe · 10/02/2014 17:50

There is usually a recommended period of 6 weeks to recover from a C section and it is a strong likelihood that you will need one OP.

Is there any point being married to someone who is living such a separate life from you and doesn't care about the same things as you do? i.e you know, like four children and giving birth to twins.

Apart from providing a wage, what is his function? He is not even planning to be there when you need him more than any other time in your whole life ever.

If my DH even dared trot out the line about the female friends agreeing with him, I'd be wearing a pair of bollock shaped earrings and he'd be singing soprano. Thankfully, he is normal and grown up and wouldn't be such an arse.

theBigJessie · 10/02/2014 17:51

Hulababy

I very much doubt any of his female friends have really said they'd be fine And if any really have I would bet that they are either not mums, or mums of much older children - and most definitely not mums of baby twins, or mum to 4 under 5.

Same. Lots of people without twins are blasé about the care they take. Actual parents of twins aren't. I love my little ones with all my heart, and I can't imagine my life without them. But I also can't imagine my marriage's condition now if my husband had been a selfish arse and left me to do it alone.

He needs to tell the groom now that he can't make it to the stag 'event'.

minouminou · 10/02/2014 17:51

Sparkly...you were browbeaten at a weak point in your life. It wasn't your fault...you couldn't have fought a battle against an entire family with that mindset.

Minifingers · 10/02/2014 17:51

If he insists on going, you need to insist that he pays for a doula to to provide you with help while he's away - day and night. This would probably cost about £600 for the whole weekend, which I suspect is near enough what he will end up spending on jollies on the stag, while you care for his children.

WhereIsMyHat · 10/02/2014 17:54

Now am I am easygoing with most stag related AIBUs but your DH is an arse to think is is ok.

Inertia · 10/02/2014 17:57

Your husband is being utterly unreasonable. It makes me desperately sad that there are men out there who cannot face up to their responsibilities, and think so little of their wife and children (including newborn twins!) that they are willing to just dump them and bugger off on a drinking holiday. He can't miss a stag do but is quite willing to miss the birth of his children?

I would insist on a paid professional nanny to help with the children on both the stag weekend and the wedding weekend, with the money coming out of his socialising budget.

Sorry OP , he sounds horrible.

andadietcoke · 10/02/2014 18:06

My DTs are five months old. I am still incapable of doing bed/bathtime on my own. At four weeks when I was on my own with them I couldn't put them down to nap without waking them both, night feeds took towards 90 mins so I only ever had 90 mins sleep in one go (if I was lucky), one had colic, one had reflux. Reflux baby couldn't sleep unless tilted on me, colic baby screamed from 8 until 10 every night. It is was relentless. I cannot fathom doing that and having to look after two other children. I couldn't look after myself - there were days where I lived off flapjack at 2am. My DH hasn't been great, but he has been there and has been a pair of hands. I've had A LOT of help from my family. My mum comes two days a week and people will come if I need help with bathtime if DH isn't around. I could not have coped without them.

As an aside, if you're anywhere near Manchester let me know and I'll help anyway I can.

youmustbejoking75 · 10/02/2014 18:16

He is being vu. Seriously?

HowAboutNo · 10/02/2014 18:17

DH was invited to a stag do when (hopefully) our 1st will be 5 weeks old at most.

It wasn't even a conversation, he said no on the spot.

Sorry you're even having to have the conversation. Don't let yourself be railroaded; these DCs are a joint responsibility and you're supposed to be in it together.

PeanutPatty · 10/02/2014 18:19

I'm not convinced he's even the Best Man.

mateysmum · 10/02/2014 18:20

OP Where are you? Are you OK?

Can you update us?

JapaneseMargaret · 10/02/2014 18:30

Sparkly - this has nothing to do with you being 'strong' enough - adults don't police other adults.

This reflects entirely on him. People in healthy relationships think about their partner and act in ways that don't jeopardise that partnership. Your ex obviously wasn't able to do that, not least because he was obviously having an affair.

This is absolutely no reflection on you. It was entirely his fault.

givemeaclue · 10/02/2014 18:36

Minifingers, the dh would be away for 8 days not just a weekend

LindyHemming · 10/02/2014 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 10/02/2014 18:54

I reckon they cooked up making him the best man to ensure he had to go on the stag - sounds like a conversation in the pub - the op's oh moaning that he won't "be allowed" ( rather than saying he couldn't because of the birth of his twins) - then some bright spark says he should be made the bm then she'll have to "let him", then they all assure him how she's being so unreasonable.

op yanbu - show him this thread!

onedev · 10/02/2014 18:59

Where's the Op?

I'm always dumbfounded when I read MN & how some women have had babies with complete wankers who have no (or very little) regard for their families. Totally amazes me.

Good luck Op & if you do manage it whilst he's away, please find the strength to tell him to stay away as there are plenty of decent men out there who wouldn't even consider this (I think this is only ever my 2nd time on MN where I've said LTB).