To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

[AlpacaLypse]

OP, where are you?

Loads of questions being asked in amongst the rants upthread, and can't really provide advice until they're answered.

[feesh]

I only have twins, no toddlers, and to be honest those first few weeks with twins nearly broke me. And I am normally very, very strong.

It is without doubt a two-person job. A person with only one baby cannot imagine how hard it is with twins.

My mum was going to give us a couple of weeks alone after the birth before coming down, but we ended up calling her from hospital and begging her to come down as soon as we were discharged. She looked after me and my husband (cooking, washing etc) while we cared for the babies around the clock. There are NO breaks with twins - as soon as you've finished one job or one baby it's on to the next, you hardly sleep a wink and the whole time is just a complete blur.

When my husband had to go out during the day while I was in hospital, e.g. to get some lunch, I fell apart. When he popped to the corner shop once we were home, I was a total mess.

You need one person per baby when you have twins, plus you will need an extra family member around to help with the older kids and the boring housework type stuff/washing and sterilising bottles etc.

Put your foot down.

[perfectstorm]

DH is off for 6 weeks paternity leave, using accrued annual leave and time in lieu to top up statutory. He's going in for a week mid-way to make sure things are okay and because it's a very busy time and he doesn't want to let people down, but he knows what a new baby is like, he knows it's a shock to our eldest who has been an only for 5 years, and he actually wants to get to know the new baby. I realise I'm lucky, as he is, that the dates have swung that way - but he has also gone to the trouble of thinking this up, suggesting it and then arranging it, even though it meant he's had very little holiday this year - can't exactly call this a holiday! And if he were asked to a stag right now I can tell you he wouldn't even bother mentioning it to me; he'd say no. Am I grateful? Not to him, no, though I am for its being possible. We're a family; we pull together. We work out how to do that whenever possible.

And quite apart from this being a unique time you'll never get back... you'll have 4 kids, including newborn twins! How in the name of hell are you going to cope with that alone? You don't even have to - he can just politely decline! I know I could manage a 5 year old and newborn if I had to, but 2 older and twins? Honestly, not sure I could.

For the record, I would think someone else's wedding matters less than my own twins, too. I'm startled he doesn't.

YA so NBU.

[Domenica69]

OP yaDEFINITELYNOTbu!

OP is prob too busy this last few hours with her little ones to add to the thread, am sure she will be back when she gets the chance. After all, her "D"h is not likely to be at home helping her out with the bed bath routine!

[perfectstorm]

sparkly:

You know, I think there but for the grace of God. It really can happen with anyone, terrifyingly. I'm so sorry it happened when you were so desperately vulnerable.

[AuditAngel]

Have you asked him when you are scheduling your 2 weekends away whilst he looks after the 4 children alone?

[Jux]

Yes, Domenica, her dh will be busy having lunch breaks, and coffee breaks, and a nice shower in the morning, unbroken sleep, relaxing bath, reading a book, drinking with buddies/colleagues in the evening, having adult conversation, being a big man in his little pond.

Poor op , hope he's earning a LOT.

[perfectstorm]

OP if he is earning a good whack, is there any way you can afford to employ some help, at least in the early few months? Nobody could manage 4 small kids including newborn twins alone, really, surely?

Also I would imagine the multiples board here on MN might be really helpful in terms of contacts and advice - TAMBA for example. Homestart are also brilliant, and would I am sure support you a bit, at no cost. And you can refer yourself.

Really and you're dealing with this. It's not right.

[ROARmeow]

I echo what has been said already by countless posters.

YANBU!!!!!!!!

Horrible irony is that he's going to celebrate the wedding of another couple - their wedding vows, romance, promising to care for each other - and yet fucks off and abandons his own darling wife and precious lovely children.

Surely he cannot be serious?!

[cees]

YANBU

My heart goes out to you havingtwinsthisyear, your oh is a heartless idiot.

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

Hopefully OP is having an open and honest discussion where the outcome is that her DH finally sees sense.

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

Thanks for all the replies - quite overwhelming and good to know I've not lost my marbles in this pregnancy fog.

To answer some questions - yes, he will take paternity leave, a week or two.

No, I don't have family on tap who can help. As I said, those who can would help with the bigger two, but I'd still probably have 4 kids during the week and the babies at the weekend.

He would be willing to throw money at the 'problem' and get paid help in for the weekend, but I don't think that's the point (does that make me unreasonable?!). He shouldn't pay his way out of new baby responsibilities.

About being there for the birth, I'm trying to keep that as a separate issue. If I was having one baby I could be more sure of when it would arrive and we could fix a 'no travel' period more easily. But with twins there's a much bigger window.

I don't know what kind of delivery I'm having, if everything is uncomplicated we'll try for natural, but you never know.

And while I obviously think he is totally out of line on this, he does help with kids/house when he's here. The problem now is I don't want to talk him out of this and him hold a grudge - I just want the impossible: for him to never have considered it reasonable in the first place.

[expatinscotland]

I'd hire help in. A LOT.

[Yama]

The alternative to him holding a grudge is you resenting him forever.

[AnyFucker]

for him to never have considered it reasonable in the first place.

and that is the barrel he has you over

he didn't, and he never will, if you roll over

I get the feeling you "roll over" a lot, otherwise he would never feel entitled or safe enough to push forward with this utterly selfish behaviour

it appears you get the treatment you are willing to tolerate

you've been played like a fiddle

[HamletsSister]

Our Best Man couldn't make it for the simple reason that it was not his thing and he made his excuses - no problem. He is still a great friend, DS's godfather etc. My DH just got pissed with others instead.

Show him this - he does NOT need to go.

[ladyquinoa]

Show him this thread

[ladyquinoa]

He might have a grudge? More importantly you will have a grudge!!!! As a mother of new twins your needs top his

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If he shows up for the birth of the twins, (and let's hope he's there for you), and takes any leave, please don't let him act like he's gone beyond the call of duty thereby earning the right to go off on the stag weekend.

I hope by the time he has seen how things are with two little ones as well as two newborns, he will reconsider.

[wouldbemedic]

A best man is there to support the marriage, you know - not just on the day, but on a lasting basis. That's why he's best man; it's a symbol of his role in your lives. I don't know what sort of 'best man' your DH will be to his mate, but if he is a good one, it's clearly not a reciprocal friendship dynamic. What kind of guy accepts his best friend turning up to his wedding, then stag do and never says, 'here what about OP? aren't you supposed to be doing shit?'.

[SuperLovefuzz]

YADNBU! I have one DD who is now 2 months old and no way would I have been ok with my DP leaving me for that long when she was 4 weeks! I wouldn't even be thrilled about it now It's not the wedding he's missing out on.

[perfectstorm]

He would be willing to throw money at the 'problem' and get paid help in for the weekend, but I don't think that's the point (does that make me unreasonable?!). He shouldn't pay his way out of new baby responsibilities.

Not remotely unreasonable, but I didn't mean for the weekend - I meant as an ongoing thing, for at least the first year. He's away half the time and you'll have two small children plus baby twins. That's a workload for a Hercules. If the money is there, can you get someone to help with the kids say two or three days a week?

I didn't mean paid help and he can go! The mere idea he should go is IMO completely beyond the pale. I meant, can you afford some help to ease the workload of that first year, given he's not there so much?