To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

YANBU in the least.

Has he ever looked after your 2 dc for any time by himself? Can he imagine doing that with 2 newborns as well just a few weeks after giving birth? Obviously not!

Sorry OP but he sounds extremely selfish and inconsiderate. Going to the wedding is one thing (not sure he'd be going if it was us in your situation) but expecting to go on the stag too is beyond. If he didn't work away, that might be slightly different but he does and that needs to be considered too.

[McRoo]

YADNBU

[TheScience]

You are soooo far from being unreasonable! I hope your DH has some really, really redeeming features.

The idea of leaving someone to cope on their own with 4 young children including newborn twins, for 8 or 9 days, to go on a bloody stag weekend, is just incomprehensible to me.

If he insists on going, I would find a temporary nanny/maternity nurse to work 24/6 while he's away - you'd probably be looking at about £1200. Would he be prepared to pay that while he's away?

[whatever5]

YADNBU. Do any of the so called female friends apparently who think it is okay have young children themselves and do they realise that you are having twins? Somehow I doubt it.

[minouminou]

Are you likely to need a c-section, OP?

[AnyFucker]

I don't actually believe all his female friends have said it is ok. I think he is lying. No female i know would say this, apart from a couple of inveterate manpleasers, I suppose.

[Hubb]

I told my DH I didn't want him to go out for one evening recently as im struggling to cope with our one baby who is two months old, so I am fuming on your behalf.

He is being extremely unfair and im really sorry for you. You and the kids should be the priority! And what a load of shit about his female friends saying its ok..who gives a fuck what they say and I don't believe it anyway!

[minouminou]

I know, AF. Apart from the fact that there'll be two newborns on the scene, OP may well have had a section and not be OK to drive by four weeks after delivery.

[pianodoodle]

I'm afraid I'd erupt it if DH did something like this.

And is he definitely best man? Or is he saying that in order to claim he has to go to the stag do?

I'm not joking - in this situation I'd be saying "go but don't bother coming back again. Bugger off and marry one of your other female friends since they'd be so fucking cool about it all"

Maybe not exactly that... but I'd be furious

[givemeaclue]

No bloody way in a million years. I have twins, they weren't even out of hospital till they were more than a month old. Not even for one day let alone 8.

[HaPPy8]

Stag day/evening - that would be ok i think. WHole weekend away? Not so much. YANBU.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

YANBU at all!

Does he do much with the kids at all? Or is everything your job? I can't believe he thinks its acceptable to leave you in that position. I would tell him he is not going, end of.

[Nanny0gg]

My DH wouldn't have wanted to do this.
My DS wouldn't want to do this.
I don't understand any new father wanting to do this.

TBH, OP, if you manage to manage without him (because I can't see you talking him out of it) I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

But, for the moment, ask him what help he plans to put in place for you as it is asking way to much of you to expect you to manage on your own.

[pianodoodle]

In fact I can't believe he even suggested it... even as a joke.

[Hubb]

OP please show him this thread since he likes to bring in other people's opinions! Your post was very calm and measured so you have nothing to hide!

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Yanbu. One baby no other dc then that would be different but two babies plus two kids when there's a higher chance of a section an the fact that the twins may need to be in for a few days of they are a little early, just no. I'm sorry but your dh is a twunt for even thinking it would be ok
:(

[QueenofKelsingra]

i have twins and an older DS. unless you have someone to move in with you to help (your mum?) the answer is no. and your DH is being VVVVU to even ask! if you have a c/s you may not be able to lift/drive etc and dealing with 4 kids when you are recovering from surgery would be hellish.

also, and not wanting to scaremonger, your twins may still be in hospital at this point.

I had to force my DH to go to his grandfather's funeral while i was 7 months pregnant with our twins, he didn't want to be that far away (2 hour plane ride) and i moved in with my mum and dad while he was gone. the concept of your DH even suggesting this blows my mind.

[AnyFucker]

...and a "chance" he will miss the birth of his twins ?

what kind of "father" is he ?

[Dillydollydaydream]

YANBU. I wouldn't be about this either.

[minouminou]

I second what Hubb said - show him what his new batch of girlie chums reckons....

[noitsachicken]

What if you have a C-section? You will still need help lifting etc. Twins could be early and still be in hospital, I wouldn't make plans to do.anything for at least 6 weeks, even if it was a single baby.
YANBU

[squoosh]

I'm gobsmacked he would even contemplate this.

Seriously.

[gamerchick]

But if you need a section you'll need someone around won't you?

I'd tell him if he goes not to come back. He sounds like a selfish twat.

[BrokenButNotFinished]

You have to look after your mental health. Anyone could have a psychotic episode if they're sleep-deprived - not to mention when post-pregnancy hormones are thrown in the midst as well. And the extra strain of being unsupported for long periods... Tragedies happen to ordinary people living on ordinary streets.

The wedding, I get. But in the circumstances, I can't imagine what your husband's friend was thinking of, asking him to be best man. YA SO NOT BU...

[minouminou]

Where are you, OP? When are you due and when is this stag do arranged for?

I'm asking because if you really do get left in the lurch, I'm sure some MN-ers could organise something to help you.