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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

271 replies

HavingTwinsThisYear · 10/02/2014 12:27

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 10/02/2014 16:44

Plus it is likely that with the arrival of 2 babies, the other 2 kids (particularly the younger one) will get MORE clingy. THEY will need him, as much as you will need him.

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2014 16:45

Grin youthecat

SugarPlumpFairy3 · 10/02/2014 16:47

Also as a mum of twins, YADNBU. The first weeks are hardcore and utterly relentless (but also very precious, enjoy!).

JuliaScurr · 10/02/2014 16:48

your dh is acting like an arse

minouminou · 10/02/2014 16:51

Any update, OP?

Hulababy · 10/02/2014 16:51

Another mum who is saying yanbu.

Your usband sounds like a very selfish man who puts his own wants and needs first, before anyone else's, including those of his wife and children.

The babies will be tiny - a month old.
There are two more children, 5 and under.

5yo and under don't really have sleepovers as a regularly occurance in my experience, so that isn't really the obvious option to me.

The obvious option is for their father to pull his finger out and actually act as a father - not a single man for more than 50% of the time.

I very much doubt any of his female friends have really said they'd be fine And if any really have I would bet that they are either not mums, or mums of much older children - and most definitely not mums of baby twins, or mum to 4 under 5.

Fairenuff · 10/02/2014 16:53

He is going to go isn't he Sad

mistermakersgloopyglue · 10/02/2014 16:54

Normally I massively eyeroll at the 'Aibu to not want dh to go to this stag do/lads weekend/wedding' threads and often side with the partner.

However in this situation I am right with you. Your dh is being an arse and could easily tell the groom that he will be there for the wedding but he is going to have to swerve the stag do for rather obvious reasons.

minouminou · 10/02/2014 16:54

Is there any way you could appeal to the groom?

MrsCaptainReynolds · 10/02/2014 16:55

YADNBU.

Does he have any idea how difficult and tiring it is going to be? Did he simehow manage to excuse himself from the incredibly draining work of raising your two previous newborns?

JanePurdy · 10/02/2014 16:57

Good grief OP. YANBU. I'm normally in the let 'em go camp but there is no way in hell your DH should be even contemplating this.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/02/2014 16:57

OP if he's not going to be there at the birth does his mean he won't be there when you go home either? Are you going to be doing it all on your own?

ProfPlumSpeaking · 10/02/2014 16:58

Hope you are ok, OP
xx

minouminou · 10/02/2014 16:59

I'm actually quite worried about the OP here.
I hope she comes back and gives us more info so we can help.

BellaVida · 10/02/2014 17:02

YADNBU

I only had one DC when I gave birth to twins. Those first weeks are very difficult, CS or not. One thing your DH should understand is that there is a fair chance the twins will arrive early. Mine were only 4 weeks early but still ended up in SCBU for a couple of weeks. If this happens, you will be juggling your existing DCs and hospital visits, so he should definitely plan to be around or you will need a fall back plan in case.

He needs to sort out his priorities!

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/02/2014 17:08

Twins in my DS' family, one parent had to be emergency hospitalised a couple of times in their first 3 months, and every time the other (very competent) parent needed one of us living in with them until they were home and well enough to at least be able to hold/change even if they did it in bed propped up on pillows as they did a few times. At least one newborn hopefully sleeps sometimes and you can too; with twins, often just as you get one settled to sleep the other is waking up and needing the next round. And both of them were relatively 'easy' babies and that's not even touching on two other dc to care for.

Unless he can find you at least one useful, competent person who you don't mind having with you, will step up to do the nights and the housework and all the rest of it and won't add to your stress, this is an insane idea. How on earth are you going to cope for 8 days? Is he really this delusional about what life is going to look like after they're born?

IShallCallYouSquishy · 10/02/2014 17:12

Hmmm, my DH will be away 2 weekends in a row for his best friends stag do and then wedding (he's best man) when we will have a baby of no more than about 5-6 weeks. We also have a 20.5 month old. I don't mind him going one bit and I was of course invited along with DC but just not practical.

If however I was due to have twins I would be more than pissed off with him going!

expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 17:15

Another woman tethered to a selfish dickhead.

YANBU. But you sound resigned to this twat.

Get a solicitor. You don't have to live like this.

A decent parent wouldn't go. A decent parent would be with his wife and kids at such a time, they are priority over some stupid arse piss up with a bunch of dicks and a fucking wedding.

You and his family are second string to his own selfishness.

He doesn't deserve a family or you.

eddielizzard · 10/02/2014 17:20

YADDDDDDNNNNNBU

i'm shocked he'll be

  • away before the birth
  • away possibly FOR the birth
  • away after the birth
  • pissing it up a month after the birth

what planet is he on? oh yes, planet selfish arse planet.

he's not the one left holding the babies is he?

the only redemption i can see here is that you get a mother's help/ au pair in for a month before the birth (because you might go into labour early) until 3 months after. i would seriously consider this if you can afford it.

Sparklysilversequins · 10/02/2014 17:25

My ex would have done this. He went away for the weekend when I was 6 days post c-section with new born dd and 3 year old ds with no other support. Some men think this is ok.

Out of interest, what exactly would posters on here have done if that was your DH? I am asking because he and his family thought it was perfectly acceptable to do this and I was pressured into accepting it. I feel quite angry when I look back, I was in pain and helpless and not strong enough to leave or make him leave.

AngelaDaviesHair · 10/02/2014 17:27

Stag dos aren't important. They just aren't. Neither are hen dos. And even if you think they are, they don't weigh very heavily in the balance next to twins, do they?

AnyFucker · 10/02/2014 17:31

where has OP gone ?

expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 17:31

Truthfully, Sparkles, I did the best I could to never marry or procreate with a person who had attitudes remotely like the OP's H or your ex. We talked a lot and discussed a lot about family, how we felt about family relationships and friendships and priorities. We made sure we were on the same page and if he or I had moved goalposts drastically, there would have been some really hard discussions as to whether we could stay together because no child deserves to be second fiddle to friends, piss ups, going out, hobbies, or well anything.

Twins can come early and/or require hospital care following birth. And there were two older children to consider.

IMO, people like this are nothing more than glorified sperm donors with the added bonus of a wallet.

JapaneseMargaret · 10/02/2014 17:33

He is a buffoon.

However, your twins will be born, and he will see for himself how tough it is. Surely he is not so hateful that he will see that, and go anyway.

If he does, then you will know for 100% certain that you are married to a feckless lump of a man, and you can make some decisions of your own.

SomethingOnce · 10/02/2014 17:33

YANBU.

That is all.