To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I'm not quite sure what I'd be getting out of a relationship where the father may or may not be there for the birth or would disappear for a stag weekend when I had 4 week old twins, and that's without two other kids to look after. Have you suddenly gained the ability to stay awake 24/7 without getting tired and grown octopus arms during this pregnancy?

I had to walk away from the thread earlier, I was so angry for you.

[FreeButtonBee]

YANBU- he I being a total dickhead. At 4 weeks post c-section with my twins,I barely had feeding established, and had only just about recovered from the last few weeks of pregnancy - I was no where near recovered from the actual section- and that was with my DH off work for 4 weeks and my mum doing all the housework for the first 10 days.

I would get a mat nurse, and change the locks. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

[frogwatcher42]

A stag do isn't compulsory. The best man attending a stag do isn't compulsory. A weekend stag do isn't compulsory.

Any decent dh would meet them for a drink (or if too far away, contact the bar they are going to and leave some money behind bar) but only be gone for a couple of hours.

Four children including new born twins is going to be hard. I would be very surprised at any bloke wanting to leave his wife/partner for any overnight trip that wasn't absolutely critical in this situation.

I would hope that the blokes on the stag weekend would be very surprised if he DID turn up, and would be supportive and understanding if he didn't. I can imagine that if he does go, some of the other blokes will secretly be saying between them, what a selfish tw*t he is. And certainly some of their wives/partners at home will be saying it.

[jacks365]

I think you should let him go then change the locks cos if he thinks this is acceptable then you will be better off on your own. Be honest how much help is he when he's around or does he just add to the workload.

[Nomorepeppapig]

The twins will be 4 weeks old most older siblings would have had a sleep over or 2 in this time with family. Weather a father was away or not. It would be a fun thing not shipping them off. I do love the hysteria on these threads. I can understand op being like it a bit but everyone else. You hysterical mn's do make me laugh!!

[PumpkinPie2013]

YADNBU

I'm for you!

Blimey, I've needed support with one baby after he was delivered by c-section!

The idea of being alone with baby twins plus two older children doesn't bear thinking about!!

Plus, if his friend has anything about hin he should realise that your husband simply cannot do this!

[FRambridge]

Nomore - so you're actually advocating the father should miss the birth of his twins and not give a f*k as to how is wife will be feeling and coping on her own???? Obviously you've never had the pleasure of looking after newborn/s on your own as well as having everyday matters to take care of! Think about what you're actually saying. You may be so laid back you're horizontal but I guarantee you'd feel like s*t if your OH told you he was going ahead on his p-up in similar circumstances

[shoom]

Just as you make us all laugh, peppa!

[Beatrixemerald]

Totally not being U, worst case scenario could he fund a couple of nights help for you?

[MorningTimes]

I also hope you manage to sort this out. I have twins & two other DC. 4 weeks is a hard point & you will need help.

At that point, my DH was staying up until 11/midnight to do a late feed for them, I did the main night & I would still sometimes go into him at 6am & beg for help. Even though he was working, he would still get up again & try and give me a bit of a break as he knew now relentless it was. He then did the school run before work.

My DH has idiot friends who are obsessed with big stag holidays and people 'having' to attend. In our 20's it did become an issue as he was leaving me at home with a young child while he was off on these stupid weekends. Eventually, it became such an issue that I told him he had to make a choice, which was basically "Be a single man & live the life of a single man, or stay married & sort your priorities out". He realised I meant it and pulled himself together. By the time the twins came, in out thirties, he'd really grown up and wouldn't have dreamt of putting anyone else before his family. I couldn't cope with the twins without him, we really work as a team now & it is still hard work.

Maybe your DH needs a wake-up call? It sounds like he is really taking you for granted & you need to sort this out sooner rather than later. Re:him working up to the birth, does he realise there is a realistic chance that one or both your babies will need to go to SCBU, even if you make it to 37 weeks? Or that you have a higher chance of a c-section and will therefore be unable to lift anything for 6 weeks after the birth?

There are some lovely things about twins (sorry if that all sounded gloomy) but your DH really needs to grow up and make you a priority

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

So you are going to have to cope on your own a frw days a week due to his work

He wants to fuck off to a wedding meaning you will be on your own for 8 days and now the same for a stag do.

Not to mention maybe missing the birth

He sounda like a dick, does he even help you out with the two older dc as I cant believe any dad who was hands on with his dcs would think it was ok to leave you for this length of time when you have just had twins.

[YouTheCat]

Nomore, tell us all about how easy twins are then.

[MrsBungle]

Bloody hell yadnbu. I was chief bridesmaid for my friend but I didn't go to the hen-do because I had one 3 week-old baby! She didn't mind a bit had totally understood.

He is being a proper dick-head, I can't believe he's even considering it had leaving you with 4 kids including newborn twins. Absolutely ridiculous.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

other people's lives don't stop just because you're getting married & if you care about someone enough to make them your best man then you care about the things that matter to them.

Finally! Someone whose attitude to weddings I can relate to.

[FairPhyllis]

"All his female friends", pfft.

How about you tell him all your female friends say it's fine to castrate and then divorce him for even contemplating this?

I bet this thing about him being best man was cooked up by him and his mates as a way to coerce you into putting up with this.

[FairPhyllis]

Even if he really is best man he doesn't have to go to the stag. If they are decent friends they should understand that being a father comes first.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I bet this thing about him being best man was cooked up by him and his mates as a way to coerce you into putting up with this.

Yeah, me too.

You stuck up for yourself and now you're being shown "what's what" by the men.

[KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne]

YADNBU, your DH sounds like a cock.

[pianodoodle]

The twins will be 4 weeks old most older siblings would have had a sleep over or 2 in this time with family. Weather a father was away or not. It would be a fun thing not shipping them off. I do love the hysteria on these threads. I can understand op being like it a bit but everyone else. You hysterical mn's do make me laugh!!

...Says the woman who started a thread because she didn't think she could manage to feed one baby and take care of a 3 year old at the same time...

[YouTheCat]

Really? hahahahaha

[BeeInYourBonnet]

I was also chief bridesmaid for my friend, and I missed her hen weekend. I had a bf 3mo, and whilst i would have left DS with DH, i didnt fancy spending a 2 day spa break trying to stop my boobs squirting milk all over the jacuzzi!

It is not COMPULSARY to attend hen/stag nights, especially if you have very good reason not to.

[FleecyFeet]

My DH had to go away for work for 5 days when the DT's were 3 weeks. It wasn't that difficult as they sleep most of the time then anyway. If you get into a routine of feeding them and putting them down at the same time as each other it's perfectly doable.

Your DH is being an arse for not discussing it with you and you coming to a joint decision though.

[Nomorepeppapig]

Ah the hysteria returns!!
Did I ever say it was ok for him to miss the birth????
And yes I did start the tread. You no nothing about me and what I went through with my first baby. It was more that bf the first time was a nightmare baby nearly ended up in hospital. And nothing to do with this tread. I was just trying to give op another opinion. I never said she should do it alone. I suggested family to help. I have looked after very young twins, not my own so very different but still 5 days a week 8-6 from a few months old. Bloody hard work! That's way I suggested help!! I can just see her DH side as well.