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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

271 replies

HavingTwinsThisYear · 10/02/2014 12:27

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 15:53

And you know nothing much about the OP.

One rule for you and your problems and no sympathy for the OP in this situation.

There is no need for her OP to go to the stag do. He should step and be a parent.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 15:53

*her dh not op

Nomorepeppapig · 10/02/2014 15:58

Maybe you should go back and read my first post cat. I am very sympathy but I was giving op another view. Sorry I can see where the husband is coming from. Maybe it's because I wouldn't want my DH to miss his best friends stag and wedding.

Yama · 10/02/2014 15:58

I couldn't respect a man who is capable of deserting his family at such a time.

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2014 16:02

Nomorepeppapig

You are comparing apples and oranges.

Still, there's always one...

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2014 16:05

Maybe it's because I wouldn't want my DH to miss his best friends stag and wedding.

I wouldn't want my DH to miss out on helping to care for his newborns (after all, there's no guarantee they actually will be 4 weeks, unless they're being induced or the OP is having a caesarean)either. But then, he wouldn't have wanted to.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:06

Nomore, the OP has said that if he goes to the stag do and the wedding, plus work, he will be away for 8/9 nights in a row.

How is that fair?

Nomorepeppapig · 10/02/2014 16:21

Oh well that's my opinion. It would be bloody work for op but with lots of help doable. As I said I wouldn't want my DH to miss out on his best friend wedding and stag. It's a week. Not ideal but I'm sure she can think of ways he can make it upto her. That's what I would do. Leaving the tread. Thanks pianodoodle!

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:23

She hasn't said she has lots of help. Not everyone does.

Jess03 · 10/02/2014 16:26

But honestly, how many people have family that want to muck in for that long with twins and very small dc? And op won't have trouble feeding twins? I really don't think there is another side here. But with a dp like that, I'd be insisting on buying in as much help as I could and insist on that. Is he much help when he's around?

BratinghamPalace · 10/02/2014 16:29

OP I had a three year old and a two year old when DH had to leave for work after I had a cs and a week old baby. He was gone for two weeks. I was exhausted; totally depleted when he came back. It had an enormous impact on my recovery from the cs/birth, irritability with the older (very young) DCS, I lost my appetite, no sleep, could not tell the woods from the trees and to this day when I think of it a wave of sadness overcomes me. He could have refused the job at the time, didn't, and took advantage of me in that moment. It is a stain on our relationship and honestly, I do not think he understands the dept of it. Not because I have not discussed it, I have. He has never been pushed like that in such a vulnerable sate. You are vulnerable now, all women in this stage of pregnancy are. You cannot do 8/9 days buy yourself. The cost is too high.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 10/02/2014 16:29

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So marry those incredibly stupid women then.

YANBU

BratinghamPalace · 10/02/2014 16:31

By

ProfPlumSpeaking · 10/02/2014 16:31

I am speechless. YADNBU. Don't know where to start with giving advice. So sorry your DH is being so completely and utterly thoughtless. being a best man is an honour but not life changing. Going on a stag do is a treat. Being a good father to 4 young children is IMPORTANT. Being there for your wife when she needs you is IMPORTANT. And big. Having newborn twins will mean full out effort from you both. It is not going to be optional. Fair enough if DH wants to go for a drink (say for an hour or two after the older DC are in bed) a few days before the wedding to wish his mate well, PROVIDING the DC are all thriving and you are not at your limit. Going away for a weekend is most definitely not on.

MrsWolowitz · 10/02/2014 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/02/2014 16:32

Just keep saying no, you will not be available as 24hr childcare for that period. It does not work for you, the end.

I would be interested to see what he actually did - I suspect that this obviously very selfish man would show his colours and, this first time he's actually been told 'no, I'm not willing to pick up the slack for you' - I expect he'd engineer a HUGE argument and go anyway.

And then you will know: he cares not a jot for you and your family, his priority is HIM and always will be.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/02/2014 16:34

I wouldn't have anyone to help me in those circumstances but even if I did have.......with newborns and other kids I would want my DH to help me not someone pulled in to do a favour. Leaving his wife and 4 kids at that stage....esp when he knows he is sodding off for 9 days soon enough.....is just beyond selfish and he is mad to even consider it.

If his mate is a mate he will know it's a no.

NoodleOodle · 10/02/2014 16:35

If I didn't intend to breastfeed, I would be planning my own weekend away either side of his stag.

Jux · 10/02/2014 16:36

YANBU.

Ask him innocently whether he's not worried that, after all this time not helping you, you'll cope so well alone that you won't need him at all? Oh and tell him he's taking all 4 children to the wedding as you'll be in an asylum by then.

ChasedByBees · 10/02/2014 16:37

Your husband is a complete pig for even thinking of suggesting this. This would be LTB territory for me.

SugarplumKate · 10/02/2014 16:40

Yanbu.....

theBigJessie · 10/02/2014 16:41

Oh dear. OP, I am now, for the purposes of this thread, one of your 'female friends'. I have also actually had twins. (Take note of this, nomorePeppaPig Have any of his 'female friends' actually experienced having twins? No?

You are not being unreasonable, and the idea of him fucking off and leaving you with twins and older children to look after gives me palpitations.

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2014 16:41

YANBU, OP, but I think you've got the message by now.

I had one older dc when I had twins. 4 weeks is when you're hitting a peak of exhaustion having had virtually no sleep for 4 weeks. Trust me, you will be awake most of the night. I used to sleep from 8-12 every night and dh would do a feed in that time, but between the 2 of them, one was always hungry or crying. A lot of twins are born a bit early. Even 3 weeks early can affect digestion and one of mine had reflux. You can't possibly know yet what the situation will be.

Your dh is supremely unreasonable and sounds like he's your 5th child basically.

AnandaTimeIn · 10/02/2014 16:43

What an utterly selfish, immature, self-entitled twat you married......

I am stunned he could even consider it and blithely railroading over you to get his own way.

You are effectively already almost single parenting.

Do you know any of these women who seem to think it's o.k.? Cos I don't buy it.
Unless they are 18 year-old or thereabouts school leavers.....

Personally I wouldn't think highly of a man who asked my opinion on that. I would be stunned he could even be considering it.

Yes, being best man is an honour and going on a stag is great if the time is right.

The time is NOT right

I can't believe he's putting his mate above his DW and DC, all of them who need him more than ever at that time.

Tells you all you need to know. So sorry for you.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:44

Oh yes, Merry. Good old reflux and the colic. I don't recall anything much but feeding/changing through the first 4 months with mine. Just as well I took photos. Grin

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