To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

[mrscog]

YANBU, in fact I think this is one of the most unreasonable posts I've ever read!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

In advance, I'd be contacting your local Sure Start team just in case you get stuck.

Yeah, because that's what Sure Start is for, helping out women who can't cope because their lazy, shirking, uninvolved husbands think their social life is more important than their family responsibility.

I would draw a big fucking line in the sand about this.

The door of our home would no longer be open to him on his return should he choose to abandon our family at such an important time just so he could get drunk for a weekend.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I guess he thinks he can just swan off and do what he likes as you'll be at home with the kids. That's the presumption isn't it? You're the childcare, he doesn't have to think about it or rearrange his life as you'll just be there.

What if you're struggling after having a CS and can't lift or drive? What if your twins are early or in SCBU? Not trying to worry you OP, but there are so many 'what ifs' he can't even be arsed to think about.

And who gives a flying fuck what his female friends think? Are they offering to come round and help? And why are their opinions more important than yours?

He shouldn't even want to go. Why might be not be there for the birth? Does he actually give a fuck about anything?

[wishful75]

What an absolute arse he is. Selfish twat.

[minouminou]

But Join, if her DH does go after all that's been said, she's going to need someone there.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Of course yanbu.

He's being an arse - he doesn't 'have' to go to the stag do. He just wants to.

My friend had 2 children, and then twins and says she barely remembers the first year, it was all such a whirlwind... Your dh needs to be there with you as much as possible.

And yes, you should get surestart help - she did that's if Cameron hasn't closed them all down.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Sure, minou, and she should call them if she needs to.

But the very idea that this service would be needed by a family where there is a competent adult who refuses to help because he is too busy drinking with his buddies is infuriating

I would be so humiliated if I had to avail of a service like this because my husband was so irresponsible and useless.

[CheckpointCharlie]

OP YADNBU.

Flabbergasted at his utter selfishness and foul behaviour.
Has he always been like this?

I would love to meet him and ask him why he thinks it is ok to leave his new babies, two older children, and just-having-given-birth-wife.

Ooooh am fuming on your behalf.

And as for those women who have said there is no problem with it, who are they? I don't think they exist!!!!!


I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, if he doesn't go, you will be seen as a party pooper by him and his stupid mates. If he does go, your relationship may be damaged beyond repair.

Feel v sorry for you OP and would quite like to set a trap for your DH with a door and a large bucket of icy water.

[JeanSeberg]

He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

I can't imagine he's been a great deal of use with the first 2 children so I don't think this latest development will have come as a surprise...

[minouminou]

I know, Join, but if he doesn't see sense after he sees this thread, or listens to further reasoning from OP, then she's got to rise above any humiliation and get on with it, for the good of her health as well as her children's.

Awful situation.
He's a knobber of the highest order and I hope OP does show him this thread.

[GiniCooper]

Similar happened to us but our twins were about 8 weeks old. There's no way DH would have gone. We discussed it before I had the babies and decided we'd wait and see. As soon as they arrived it was obvious it was not happening.
Plus the cost of going away would've been too much.

[Slebmum]

YANBU.

I have twins, and no other children, and the first year was a complete blur. I would be giving him an ultimatum I'm afraid.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I am normally of the let them go camp but really...he is being a selfish sod!!!

How long after the stag is the wedding when he will be away for 9 days straight?

Does he not have a sense of priorities? Do you have any one who can come and help you if he does decide to go?

I'm reading this shaking my head and I am normally very laid back!

[BitOutOfPractice]

I am normally of the "let him go" persuasion as well but absolutely not in this case. No way! YADNBU OP!

Good luck with the birth OP

I did laugh at this though AF "How dare he try to railroad you like this by tring the emotional blackmail of "other women think it's ok". It is fuck-all to do with anyone else...this is between you and him."

OK for the OP to ask a bunch of srangers off the internet though eh?

[FRambridge]

Begs the question why on earth would the groom-to-be ask DH to be Best Man AFTER you politely told him you need to discuss with your husband due to your circumstances?!?

Surely groom-to-be would have more respect surrounding this situation and not have 'conveniently' asked DH to be Best Man since that convo!

You aren't being unreasonable, I would hit the damn roof! As a single parent I struggled with my ONE newborn for ages after he was born (the lack of sleep alone is enough to send you round the bend). You need to put your foot down. Is he taking pat leave after twins are born? Seems to me he's more bothered about others opinions than his wife's and he's putting his mate/himself before his family! Selfish!!!

[shoom]

It's very sad that he would want to do this. If he's already traveling for work he should be champing at the bit to get home and see you all.

Never mind the the various what-if scenarios around any birth. Surely he knows CS is a possibility? How long has he been like this? He is behaving like a selfish idiot.

[MarjorieChardem]

Un-fucking believable. If my DH even suggested this I would tell him to fuck off and it would be the end.

Selfish doesn't even come close.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I think the saddest thing if all is that he sees getting drunk with a groups of men as a "once in a lifetime experience" that can't be missed.

But he sees the birth of his twins and their early weeks in the world as fuck all worth bothering about.

[Slutbucket]

I am a mother of twins. Your husband is not going to know what's hit him. We are just getting to grips with it now and they are 2 and a half and we have a five year old. The hardest two years of my life. The first four weeks I can't remember. Send your husband to me I am can be a female friend who will tell him the truth about his stupidness!

[mouldyironingboard]

YADNBU

Your DH is a selfish idiot. I think you should show him this thread as it is rare to see 100% agreement on MN!

[dreamingbohemian]

Fuck him and his friend. Seriously.

Given he's not planning to give you any real help regardless whether he goes or not, I think you should hire a maternity nanny for 6-8 weeks after the birth. You will need help.

If he says you can't afford it then I guess he can't afford to go the stag or wedding either.

[FetchezLaVache]

Isn't it funny that there's a unanimous YANBU on this thread, whilst "all" his female friends reckon you should be fine? I reckon he asked no more than two women, neither of whom has ever had any contact with children of any age in their entire adult lives.

[JeanSeberg]

There's a lot of people focusing on the stag do whilst missing the point that he might not even be there for the birth...

[dreamingbohemian]

Btw my MIL had 4 under 4 (including twins) and a husband who did practically nothing. She barely managed and that was only because she had a housekeeper, two nannies and a wide circle of supportive friends.

You need to start from the assumption that you will need help. If your husband won't do it himself then he needs to pay for it. But no help is not an option.