To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

[MrsOakenshield]

do all his female friends have 4 children aged under 5, with a couple of newborns? I'm guessing probably not. Knobbish thing to say!

But, he is now the best man, which does put an onus on him to go (if he wasn't then no bloody reason to go at all). Why do these things have to be a whole weekend - it's stupid, what's the matter with a night out??

YANBU to think this, but you and DH now need to come up with a plan - can either your DM or MIL come and help you out? I think if you can explore what options you've got a can come up with a solution - fine. If not, he's going to have to bow out graciously, but of course go to the wedding.

Right now he needs to not commit to this.

[BrandNewIggi]

It is odd that his female friends' opinions count for more than those of his pregnant wife. Is he assuming because you cope when he is off earning a living (afraid that would be a deal breaker alone for me in terms of having a young family) that you can just extend this to cover weekends too? Is he even taking paternity leave? I would be very tempted to pack his stuff up if he left like that. If you want life to continue as normal, don't have four tiny children. What would happen if you decided to go away for a weekend when they are five weeks old? You could say all your female friends said it was fine!

[OrangeMochaFrappucino]

How many of his female friends have four children including newborn twins and have looked after them for nine days straight with no help? So that their husbands can go drinking? None, maybe? That's crap. He shouldn't go , he shouldn't expect to go, he shouldn't want to go if he stops and thinks about what he is actually asking of you.

If his friends - female or otherwise - do agree with him then that simply means they are as stupid, selfish and lacking in empathy as he is. So I don't think their opinions are particularly important.

And even if they are all juggling newborn quads whilst their husbands are all on a month long piss up together,they still aren't in your marriage and they don't get to override your feelings. You DDon Imus want him to go. You have excellent reasons. He needs to listen to you.

[lunar1]

I think that your H is being an absolute shit to even consider this.

[undecidedanduncertain]

I think your DH is being really cowardly about this. Telling you that his friend is putting pressure on him / that his female relatives think he should go etc. is pathetic. He should be honest and say 'I want to go off on this holiday even though it means leaving you on your own with newborn twins and two small DC.'

He's not saying that, because he knows it's an awful thing to say, and worse - that a decent man wouldn't actually WANT to do it in the first place.

I couldn't bear to be with a man who was so weaselly and selfish. I expect that those traits are showing themselves in lots of other behaviour of his.

I'm sorry, I know that's not very helpful, I'm just really cross on your behalf that you're being put in such a crappy position.

[BrandNewIggi]

If there is support on offer to the OP (eg a relative coming round) she needs to call in those favours when dh is working away, not when he's partying. It's a pretty strange set-up if the groom had actually planned his stag prior to asking the husband to be best man. Sounds fishy. Or he is a second choice, as the first choice wasn't allowed to go by his wife!

[IceBeing]

just unbelievable.

I am with the people saying 'why does he even want to be away?'

Isn't he the parent of these children too?

[BrandNewIggi]

Finally, most stag threads say "let him go" ime, so the fact that you are getting a unanimous vote in your favour says a lot about these particular circumstances.

[Goldencity1]

As a mum of twins, yanbu, he is!
I didn't have other children and there is no way my dh could have left me alone for that amount of time. My twins were a month early, I didn't have to have a section, but many do, how does he think you could possibly cope on your own then?
Have all these "female friends" so willing to give their opinion had twins? No? Thought not.
Personally I think you should have some live in help, can you afford a nanny? Is your mum near or a sister? At least for the first few weeks ....

As for not being with you at the birth....words fail me.

[Theonlyoneiknow]

He needs to understand how hard this will be for you OP, especially if you have had a CS. There is NO WAY that he should be jetting off for a weekend of boozing (and sleep!) and leaving you with newborn twins and possibly a recovery from major surgery. My stitches got infected twice following my second CS as I was also doing the house work and looking after DC1, let alone having twins and two other DC.

Could you show him this thread, make him realise how thoughtless he is being?

Agree, if he stumps up the money to pay for a maternity nurse, fine otherwise no go!

[somedizzywhore1804]

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "what a fucking bellend". I'd be telling my husband not to come back if he did this OP.

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Are you having a cs?
Has your DH given you any 'suggestions' on how you are expected to manage, or has his thought process ended at 'I'm going, and that's that!'.

[LiegeAndLief]

Oh my god.

I think you know you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. I wouldn't have been happy with dh going away for the weekend four weeks after dc2's birth, never mind if I was having twins and already had 2 young dc!

Who are these women he has "asked"?

[Charley50]

Another shocked person here. YADNBU and he is being an arsehole to even suggest it.

[chubbychipmonk]

I'm raging for you! YADNBU!

[BeeInYourBonnet]

Totally agree with brand .

I am normally if the 'let him go' mindset, but this would be a deal breaker to me.

Sadly, if he does go, and coupled with his lack of care re paternity leave, I would suggest you need to presume you're on your own, whether you stay with him or not.

[pianodoodle]

I'm still struggling to be organised with a toddler and one newborn every day at five I start counting down the hour 'til DH comes home!

I just can't imagine two newborns and two other children!

[evangelinelily]

YANBU. How the hell does he expect you to cope alone with 4 young children including newborn TWINS?! Seriously, would he be able to go off and enjoy himself knowing that you are getting absolutely no sleep and are running ragged after FOUR KIDS?!

[summertimeandthelivingiseasy]

YADNBU No way!!

I had twins and a 2 1/2 yr old. DH went away when they were 4 wks old (1 week out of hospital for them) for 2 days, but I had my mother staying.

He went away for 10 days when they were 5 months old. It was hell. There was no way I could get them all to bed when they wanted to. I tried a different way every night. It was impossible with only two hands attached to only one person. The last 2 days I let DS fall asleep in front of Thomas the Tank engine, then put him in his PJs and bed when the DTs were in bed. It was very lonely too.

[Bingbongbinglybunglyboo]

Yanbu at all.

Your dh is completely failing to see how having another newborn, let alone 2 will impact your life ( not his, as he will be working away, carrying on as normal)

Despite what happens with the stag party and wedding, please consider contacting home start. Especially as his usual working patterns are away from home for 3 days a week, you are going to have your hands really full, from my understanding they can help practically with loads of stuff that will be hard work with twins and other young children. Like cleaning or shopping, or getting out the door to a toddler group!

When are you twins due?

[squoosh]

He really needs to read this thread.

[JustAfloat]

I've got twins and I say YADNBU.

He's sounds like such an idiot.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

You know, he doesn't HAVE to be best man. If he feels he can't fulfil his best man duties because he has other responsibilities (and boy does he) then he can always graciously decline.

YADNBU!!!

[rollonthesummer]

What a complete arse. Who exactly are these female friends he's asked? Have they ever met a newborn baby, or twins?! They are no friends of yours.


I'm afraid I would start to get rather hysterical at this point and ask him to choose beyween his family or the stag weekend.