To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

[HavingTwinsThisYear]

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

[BABaracus]

OP please confirm what we all know ie. that these female friends have never had two kids under five plus newborn twins.

Your husband is being an utter, utter prick. And I am also normally very relaxed about boys' weekends away etc.

If he insists on going, he will either need to take annual leave to be at home with you beforehand and/or he needs to pay for a nanny to help you.

[Nomorepeppapig]

While I can toally see why you are pissed off I can sort see his point that as the best man he should really go. I think his friend getting married is to blame a little for making it a weekend away. He should have done something closer to home then it wouldn't be the whole weekend.
Do you have family that can help? Send the older 2 to grand parents and have a friend/sister/sister in law to come and stay with you? Hassle I know but it's only one weekend out of your whole lives. And I think a spa weekend with the girls when your feeling upto it is a must, let see how DH likes that!!

[ipswichwitch]

Christ what an arse. I'll be willing to bet he hasn't asked any female friends (demand names from him, I bet he conveniently forgets who). I'm struggling this week with an 8 week old and 2yo ( who has been vomiting this morning) because DH had to go away til Friday for work. He didn't want to go and considered asking his boss to not go but it is important. I can't imagine how difficult it will be for you with 2 older DC and newborn twins. Show him this thread since he was the one who initially felt it necessary to canvass other opinions.

[LittleBearPad]

What everyone else says above.

YANBU at all

Is he taking paternity leave. I'd be asking him to take annual leave too if he thinks he can sod off for weeks at a time.

[YouTheCat]

Nomore, he wasn't best man to start with. He knew his wife was having twins and he could have declined to be best man anyway.

Tbh A spa weekend away once you have twins is not going to happen for a very long time.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

If he is determined to go (and to be honest I'd be tempted to tell him not to bother coming back), ask him what help is he going to put into place for you whilst he's gone. A nanny? Maternity nurse? Which is it? As you just getting on with it is not an option.

[AnyFucker]

Fuck a spa weekend in "exchange" for him being a complete twat.

[shoom]

"a spa weekend with the girls"

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Spa weekend? Fuck that, I would be fucking off for a very long time if he went and landed me in the shit......maybe for ever!

[FRambridge]

Nomore - you arent secretly one of DH 'female friends' are you?

[squoosh]

A spa weekend is always offered up as a solution. This guy's attitude to his family goes way beyond anything a spa weekend could fix.

[TheScience]

What, a spa weekend in compensation (presumably in a year or so when there aren't any tiny babies to look after) for leaving your wife with 2 newborns and 2 other young children for 9 days?

[JeanSeberg]

Why does the spa weekend always get trotted out...

This is a man who:

(a) Isn't planning on cutting down work travel leading up to the birth
(b) May not even make the birth, presumably as he could be away on a trip
(c) Is not planning to take any paternity level

Fuck SureStart, get to a solicitor.

[SandyChick]

YANBU

Your Dh needs to grow up.

Are you having a CS. If you are your Dh is going to have his hands full for the first 4 weeks at least as you and all 4 of your children will be dependent/ relying heavily on him.

How far off is the wedding? Would there be any chance that the stag do could be postponed? If it's so important to the stag to have your Dh there then maybe here is room for manoeuvre with dates.

If not then I personally think your Dh should decline to be best man and not go on the stag do.

[givemeaclue]

No more , he would be away for 8 days. Not one night.

A spa weekend is no compensation for being left alone with new born twins and 2 other kids. How ridiculous!

[dreamingbohemian]

What is this law that a best man has to go on the stag? Is it in the Geneva Conventions or something?

[twopeasinapod]

YANBU at all. He is being totally and utterly selfish.

His female friends think it's fine? What has it got to do with them? Do they have four under six?

Have you shown him this thread OP?

[fozzy26]

What a situation you are in! This is my first ever
LTB! He can't think much of you or the children to be willing to leave you so soon after the birth. What a selfish man!

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

and really....sending the older 2 children away to grandparents or whatever isn't really on when they are getting settled with new siblings anyway - what message does that give them. Dad can't be arsed and mum would rather look after the babies than you - that is how they would see it.

It's all madness and he is a total dick for even considering it.

[playftseforme]

Balancing the needs of twin 4 week old babies and two older children is going to be incredibly demanding. I found the feeding the most difficult piece. I had help during the week when dh went back to work, but I relied on dh at the weekend. Sorry to be such a doom mongerer (ps it does get better v quickly - but those early weeks are tough). Your dh should not be going, but if he does, insist that he pays for a maternity nurse for the entire weekend to support you.

[YouTheCat]

It always puzzles me that a spa weekend is trotted out as some kind of relevant and wonderful thing to do to counteract such twattish behaviour. Personally a spa weekend is my idea of hell.

All the OP is asking is for him to step up and be a parent. Not much to ask really.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

One of my best friends, I met her at baby clinic when I had my DS and she had twin girls. They were really hard work and I used to really feel for "the lady with the twins" - I think had her DH fucked off on a jolly when they were 4 weeks old (and she had no other children) - well I think she would have castrated him!

[Littletabbyocelot]

Our best man didn't come to DH's stag-do. His girlfriend had just declined his proposal and dumped him, he didn't feel like it. This had no affect on DH's friendship with him because other people's lives don't stop just because you're getting married & if you care about someone enough to make them your best man then you care about the things that matter to them.

I'm currently pregnant with twins. Admittedly they are our first but DH would do ANYTHING rather than miss out on time with them. He's already sat down with his boss and agreed no trips away for a month before or several months after the birth. I agree, the fact that OPs DH isn't bothered about missing the birth & doesn't see that he has any responsibility to be around is infuriating.

I am fairly sure that pregnancy hormones + 'all my female friends say it's ok' = a valid defence in court (Ok, not really, but it feels like it should!)

[thewalrus]

I have twins and an elder DD who was a toddler when they were born. The first bit of having twins is incredibly difficult, as is looking after your elder child(ren) and yourself. DTS had colic. I could not see a way through bedtime on my own at all - if DH was at work late, none of the kids went to bed until he got home (or someone else stepped in to help). I am generally quite a strong, competent person - I found those early days enormously difficult.
In a sense though, all of that is irrelevant. The point is, the two of you are about to have these babies and you don't want him to go. From the OP you're obviously not the sort of person who enjoys or finds it easy to ask your DH to restrict what he does for your benefit, so the fact that you want to on this occasion ought to carry a bit of weight. My DH places a very high value on attending his friends' occasions, and would hate to miss a close friends' stag do. In those circumstances though I really think he would have listened to me about it (and I think he would not have been able to bear the idea of being away from his family for that length of time).
Hope you are OK and you manage to sort this out.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Oh well if DH has asked all his female friends and they think he should go, obviously that's fine then.

Noooooo yanbu.