To ask if you would find this odd

[honeystillfortea]

Teenage DD talking to her teacher for an hour after school every day plus every lunch time.

i've had pupils arrive regularly to speak to me for ages. almost always very able students who don't feel they 'fit in' with the crowd. if the door is open and other staff and pupils can pop in and out, it isn't a problem.

When I was living in a very neglectful, abusive home life, there was one older teacher who would let me talk to him for hours after school. I'd moved to the school at the start of Y9, had had to pay for my own uniform, but the school had different uniform for upper school (Y10/Y11). Because I couldn't afford it, and my mother refused to buy it, I was getting terribly bullied for being in the 'wrong' uniform. He actually went and bought me two sets out of his own pocket.

There was REALLY nothing untoward going on, and he was the one person I could talk to. He persuaded me, over the course of a year, to tell SS what was going on. (This was before teachers had to report straight to SS, and he HAD tried, but my mother had persuaded SS that everything was fine, and the SW hadn't spoken to me alone, but in front of my mother...)

I bumped into him a few months ago, in a lift at a train station. I gave him a hug and said thank you! (Even though it was 18/19 years ago!)

Mr McCrone, you were an amazing teacher and an even more amazing person. I will be forever indebted to you for giving me the confidence that I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was being treated.

There is probably nothing odd going on, it is far more likely that your. DD just 'gels' with this teacher and feels able to open up to them.

Why does a male teacher talking to a female pupil automatically have to be suspected of being a paedophile or something?!

Could it not be that the teacher is just a nice person?!

And if he hadn't shut the door, I NEVER would have felt able to talk to him.

Goodness knows how much MORE damaged I would have been had I spent another 4 years living with my mother. It was the doors closed, private chats with this teacher that gave me the confidence to change what was happening to me. If they hadn't happened, I would have put up with the escalating abuse.

Why should male teachers be viewed with such suspicion? A female teacher wouldn't face the same scrutiny, not even with male pupils.

Right. I've RTFT now. I think that actually, your DP IS treading a very fine line. UNLESS he is doing what my old Maths teacher was doing, and getting the girl to a point where she can 'fix' whatever issues she is having.

I'm in two minds here - if the pupil NEEDS some one to talk to, she is very unlikely to talk to them with a door open. VERY unlikely. And as your DP is her form tutor, for a pupil, that us the obvious choice to go to talk to, especially if you get along well with them.

However, it does sound like your DP might be the one talking to the pupil, and that isn't on. A pupil should not have to bear the stresses of their teachers.

Great posts Couthy, and great teacher, but I'm glad the assumption is the other way round now, too much has been hidden behind the veneer of respectability in the past, nothing should be assumed either way.

I'm sure the OP's DH is lovely, but without boundaries he's just some bloke inappropriately spending time with a child. An important part of being a teacher are the professional boundaries, I only want adults who know how they're expected to behave round my DD. If they don't know or refuse to comply then they're not being a good teacher.

It can take a while to find you feet as a new teacher. Students wanting to spend time with you is a good thing, but you can never forget that you are the adult, they are the student, and what young people want is not always what is best for them. It is never a teacher's place to burden a student with their problems. Whilst we have a responsibility to care for our students, a top priority has to be to protect ourselves from any hint of impropriety, or we won't be able to do our jobs. As a new teacher, you DP WILL be watched, and his actions will not go unnoticed.

If he is questioning his career choice, he needs to speak to someone about that. Has he been assigned a mentor? Or he should approach his HT. Alternatively, he may have access to counselling through his union if he is a member. He should not be using a student to discuss his problems with.

Not weird. I can think of two teachers from my childhood who were wonderful friends.

I was very upset when one died last year, we were still very close.

Have just read all the thread.

I think DP should refer the girl to the school counselling service. If she is coming to him for support.

If DP is using the girl to support himself, that is very untoward.

Definitely a more loaded case than innocent friendship either way.

He is not an experienced teacher. He needs to get support from his mentor/line manager at school because he is placing himself and the girl in a very risky situation.

If he can't/won't approach them himself, then I would strongly consider asking to speak to them myself in light of his apparent breakdown a couple of months ago.

He sounds like he's being pig headed and rather arrogant, ignoring warnings and all sorts from the school, and just sticking his fingers in his ears and going 'la la la I'm right la la la'... And unless HE changes then he's going to end up out of a job and more.

Poor you op

The issue I have is that a LOT of pupils won't talk to a school counsellor or head of year, they want to talk to a teacher that they feel will listen to them without judging.

The teacher I gelled with, who helped me so much, would have looked on the outside like the least likely person I would have offloaded on - he was in his early fifties, at the time, he was 'just' my maths teacher, and I hated Maths, he was male, I was a very odd 14yo girl who listened to Nirvana and smoked dope...

Yet he was the only person I felt I could open up to.

If that avenue is taken away from pupils, by insisting on open doors etc, they may not talk to ANYONE. I certainly wouldn't have spoken to anyone else about my home life, as I was embarrassed as I felt that I was to blame and that I deserved to be treated like I was being treated.

Without that teacher, I would never have changed my view on that, I would never have understood that NOBODY deserved to be treated that way.

Safeguarding is such a concern now that I think he's heading for trouble if this continues, I'm afraid. I agree with most of the posters upthread.

Op there's a few issues that you both need to understand and take action with.

Firstly if he is on a warning as a teacher he is in a real possibility of getting the sack. Why does he not seem to be talking this seriously? Why is he still doing things he knows he will be 'told off' for? Why is he leaving himself so open? Has he actually told you what they talk about? She could be being bullied or she might have a crush on him. I would have expected him to have told you why she spends so much time with him. He really believes she's the reason he's not getting his work done, does he always need someone to blame when things go wrong?

I think attraction is more than just looks. Might he be attracted to being the centre of her world? It'd make you feel wanted certainly.

It's interesting that you feel he might be at risk from unfounded "accusations"
By whom?
Other people might start and spread rumours that is true.
But from the pupil?
Is the belief that children make up things about adults behaving sexually towards them so widespread?

Every day?

Thanks for replies. I went to sleep last night.

Amanda, I think it's most days, certainly every lunch and break time as he cites this as the reason he doesn't get much done during the school day. He isn't struggling with his classes behaviour but with marking and planning.

I think he will struggle to get a new job at this rate as he didn't pass his first term and from what the school are saying he's not making progress towards passing his second.

So it seems he just has trouble maintaining rules and boundaries.
How do the other teachers manage to keep the kids out of their rooms? Maybe he jut needs to ask them how they do that.

Quite apart from the CP and professional boundaries issues, if he is finding the workload stressful then spending so long focused on this one pupil is not helping. He needs the break-time - when does he eat, go for a walk, chat with adult colleagues? It sounds like he is losing 2h of his day, every day. No wonder he is struggling with marking and preparation.

Perhaps the child needs him, but his judgement is skewed over this issue.

Perhaps he realises that he has made a career-choice mistake, but cannot admit it and is trying to get fired so that he can escape from teaching, without having to say "I was wrong".

Quite apart from the CP and professional boundaries issues, if he is finding the workload stressful then spending so long focused on this one pupil is not helping. He needs the break-time - when does he eat, go for a walk, chat with adult colleagues? It sounds like he is losing 2h of his day, every day. No wonder he is struggling with marking and preparation.

Perhaps the child needs him, but his judgement is skewed over this issue.

Perhaps he realises that he has made a career-choice mistake, but cannot admit it and is trying to get fired so that he can escape from teaching, without having to say "I was wrong".

There was a case in the press recently where a teacher got the sack for becoming running buddies with a sixth form pupil and they ended up spending an awful lot of time together. There was no sexual relationship involved but it was felt that the lack of understanding of professional boundaries in place meant that this relationship had become inappropriate.

Inappropriate relationships don't have to be sexual, as teachers we have a duty of care to our pupils, a pupil wanting to spend every break and lunchtime and after school talking to a teacher isn't normal, and he needs to pass this to his CPO sharpish, to protect them both.

Is the belief that children make up things about adults behaving sexually towards them so widespread?

Sadly, it's not out of the realm of possibility. When (if?) the teacher puts an end to this relationship, there is no telling how the student will react. You need to protect yourself and your reputation.

Please bear in mind that it's not just the teacher who has a reputation to protect. The student also has a reputation worth protecting.

Couthy - times have changed - we regularly stayed behind school with the male music teacher, he used to take some pupils to music stuff outside of schoo, would often give pupils lifts & tbh a lot of the girls had a crush on him! BUT, nothing untoward went on & it's contributed to some of my happiest memories of school!

The first year of teaching IS a big learning curve & OP's dp really does need to do everything by the book or he won't pass his first year.

I can remember when i was about 13 14 and i had a crush on my Chemistry/Physics teacher.

I look back now and he did nothing to discourage it really, if any thing he encouraged it by singling me out for praise, asking if i would go and take care of his and his girlfriends cats whilst he was on holiday, talking to me after class.

I was so screwed up in the head, i don't know if he thought he was helping. I was young, self harming, suffering depression and acting out to see if someone would care.

He left when i was 16 after being my teacher for those subjects for 2 years.

Your DH is treading a very thin line, even though he is most likely just trying to help her. If i were at school now in the same situation i was 15-16 years ago, then it would most likely be flagged up far more.

Saying that our IT teacher got arrested and sent to prison for indecent images of children and being a paedophile. WE all knew as kids he was just no one believed us. But i know thats off topic