To ask if you would find this odd

[honeystillfortea]

Teenage DD talking to her teacher for an hour after school every day plus every lunch time.

'Agent, he'd come home complaining he'd been told off for closing the door when she was in the room.'

So someone else has noticed he's shut the door when he's on his own with the girl and has felt it was so inappropriate that they took the difficult decision to bring it up with him? That's not a good sign.

I'd want to know the answer as to why he shut the door in the first place.

I wondered whether the girl was actually supporting him rather than him helping her? Could that have happened? If he was having a breakdown at the time it started?

Is it still going on now?

Agree with some
I'm sorry I do not want to be accused of scaremongering but there is no "type/sort" of person that gets into underage relationships. If the girl needs help because of a difficult home life, he can find her a peer supporter, talk to other staff. What he shouldn't do is be having hour long chats alone with her on a daily basis. It looks suspect.

I work through lunch in my classroom and often house some of the more vulnerable pupils because I remember what it was like to not fit in with peers in the playground. However I never have them in my room alone for prolonged periods, always have the door propped open and they generally just sit and do homework whilst I mark.

I do get pupils telling me things and sending me emails via school email about problems. I'm generally nice and approachable. All are passed on to the designated CPO in school. As much as I can be sympathetic it isn't my role to blunder about trying to solve their problems without the proper insight into their situations. The pastoral team have that insight and all pupils are told that we cannot keep secrets and have to pass on anything that makes us worry about their safety.

If your DP was one of my team I'd be giving him some advice and if that didn't change things I'd be alerting someone more senior, for both of their sakes.

My friend is a male secondary school teacher and tells me he would never have a one to one conversation with a pupil, male or female, unless the door was open, there was a desk in-between them and that there was busy corridor outside his room.

You have to be above any accusation. At the end of the day, he cannot deny talking to this girl for hours every day, so if anyone was to point the finger how could he justify what he is doing?

If it was my daughter I would be stopping her. If it was my DP I would be putting a stop to it instantly.

There are no cameras and if she wanted to she could accuse him of anything. On the series of Educating Essex a teenage girl accuses a teacher of putting his hand on her. Luckily there was CCTV footage to disprove it. But if there wasn't, no doubt he would have been suspended pending an investigation.

This needs to stop.

Agent, yeah, I have definitely wondered that, as I think he may see some of the students as 'friends', I know he feels v isolated in the school.

I know there is no type of person who has an under age relationship, but all I can say is I don't believe that to be the case but I acknowledge I might be wrong. The girl herself looks very 'teenage' I am sure she will look lovely one day but at the moment she has frizzy hair, spots, a brace, she isn't really someone who looks either like a child if someone is inclined that way or a attractive young adult. I'm not saying that to be cruel of course.

My worries are along the same lines as AgentZigZag. If he is depressed I'm afraid it may be him who is confiding his problems to this girl.
It is sometimes very difficult to deal with a colleague who allows/encourages pupils to break the rules. It seems that someone has tried to give him some friendly advice.
The other kids will almost certainly be gossiping if they really are spending all this time together out of lessons. For his own sake he must stop this now.

You're not being selfish at all, and it would worry me that he feels he has to bring it into his everyday conversations with you.

I'm not suggesting anything sexual saying this, but it does remind me of when people have an affair and they bring the other person up with their DP, backing them up in a 'well you knew I was seeing them, you should have said if you weren't happy' way.

Either to justify it as being OK because you didn't react in a negative way or as maybe an unconscious pointer to what they're feeling guilty about.

Either way I don't think it doesn't occur to him, and if it really doesn't then he's in the wrong job.

I don't think he's in the right job either! I have to admit I have felt like shaking him on a few occasions, god knows how his colleagues feel. But he just won't hear of it - he's right, they're wrong.

The thing is, if (and it is a big if) he gets through the year he might be able to get another position but not if he's got an allegation of inappropriate behaviour on his record.

He cannot be friends with pupils.

I'm sorry, but if he really doesn't understand why this is so inappropriate he shouldn't be teaching and it would probably be best to get out before he ends up not having the choice.

Op this is not in the least bit appropriate. He had to be told off that this was not on so obviously other people think it too. Surely a responsible adult would think about all the risks by doing this.
Sorry but this whole situation sounds very suspicious. I wonder if any parent would be happy for their daughter to be spending this much one on one time with a teacher.

Seeing them as friends is definitely inappropriate.

Has he always been this way teaching or did it just come on over Christmas?

I'm sure that'd be important if it's only just come on and he's feeling isolated, which is awful, he should seek adult help rather than approval from youngsters.

Honey I think it's obvious you are just concerned for your dp and I'm glad you feel you know him regarding this situation and anything inappropriate.
It's difficult sometimes to broach conversations without offending someone, but I think you are realizing he needs to stop this because it's effecting his work load and is on thin ice already. Good luck with it.

OP the truth of whether or not there is something 'going on' is a separate one.
At the moment he is laying himself wide open to that accusation and if he is already on a warning he will not be able to defend himself. How long has he been teaching ?

He sounds away with the fairies! I'm afraid I'd have lost patience with his attitude - depression/breakdown or not.

He shouldn't be in the teaching profession if he doesn't understand how inappropriate his behaviour is.

It sounds, at the very least, like he is being very naive. If colleagues have already mentioned that having her in his room is not appropriate then if it continues it is only a matter of time before there is an official complaint and he gets into trouble. Even if there is nothing untoward going on from his point of view he needs to show himself to be completely beyond reproach. Safeguarding of children is a huge priority for schools and anything suspicious should result in disciplinary action.
As someone else said, if she has problems then there should be a designated person (child protection officer/head of year) who he needs to inform. Teachers should never promise confidentiality to a student who approaches them with a problem and should avoid asking leading questions. Depending on what they talk about he could be on dodgy ground here as well. He should be sharing the content of any chats with the relevant colleague.
Basically, I think he needs to be really really careful. It doesn't sound like he is being transparent with colleagues and this will arouse suspicion. I think you need to encourage him to see things from the perspective of others. Even if it is all above board, he needs to share information with others or they will think he is guilty.

Thanks for your help. DP is only in his first year as a teacher. He says he doesn't think he's suited to it but then the questions what else might he do - he doesn't know and nor do I.

It's been incredibly stressful for us both and the mortgage just hangs over me all of the time, I just have a really uncomfortable feeling I'm going to be stuck with it and I know it's my own fault for believing in no trusting DP.

There is no shame in being unsuited to teaching. It's bloody hard. It could be that he would flourish in a different school. However he isn't going to get that chance if he doesn't start behaving appropriately. Has he seen a doctor about his mental health?

What's his degree in?

There must be something out there he can do. How old is he?

Is there no colleague he can talk to?

It's probably a ridiculous suggestion, but would he feel more comfortable going into teaching adults?

Although there are obviously still boundaries there, it's much more of a friendly reasonable environment (sorry kidz but it's true ).

Maybe other teachers would be able to answer this one, how long do you think it should take to feel comfortable doing the job? Would you know after a year whether it'll suit you as a career, or does it take time to work through things to get to a place where you confident/comfortable with the set up?

I think sometimes you can feel that you can't do the job, but a change of school can make a big difference. Some people know they aren't in the right job almost immediately. We had one teacher who left his laptop and resignation letter on the school doorstep after 2 weeks!

You've got to talk to him and make him see how inappropriate his behaviour is and the danger associated with it.

Apart from that, perhaps a change of school could help him, if he is convinced teaching is his vocation. Could he switch to an independent school, or a faith school or primary school for example? Sorry if these re completely unworkable ideas, I am not sure how these things work or even if (say) swapping to primary after you've trained for secondary is even possible...

Ah x-post with a few wiser souls than me!

Ive witnessed how these situations can get out of hand. to him now it may seem innocent but kids gossip and he can end up in a lot of trouble. does he say why she's in there? id be demanding to know tbh.

A friend in my tutor group started having a 'friendship' with our form tutor. We all noticed it...and was gossip around the school. This tutor started pursuing my friend a year after leaving school...and it lead to marriage, kids, divorce....

He's playing with fire. He sounds very vulnerable. I would recommend a trip to the GP

I felt fairly comfortable with my subject quite quickly. Like the OP's partner I found some of the rules and restrictions appeared petty. After about two years I realised that there were good reasons for almost all of them.
It is flattering if a child confides in you because you are 'young' and therefore 'understand', but it is vital that you keep a professional distance. In my school even student teachers aren't let loose until they have been told about appropriate relationships.
As he is in his first year of teaching he should have someone to discuss his worries with. Is your DP having problems with his classes ? I have occasionally come across similar situations to this one where the teacher was attempting to be popular.

What do they teach about safeguarding when they're training teachers?

Why would he feel that didn't apply to him? That his relationships with the children/the girl is so special that it makes him different, not that kind of teacher.

Do you have DC OP? How old are they if you do?