To ask if you would find this odd

[honeystillfortea]

Teenage DD talking to her teacher for an hour after school every day plus every lunch time.

I'm a teacher and over the yars have had several pupils who do this with me. Sometimes they are just misfits who lack friends , others have needed subject specific support , others just want to do extra curricular stuff that isn't part of gcse so not covered in lessons and others have massive issues that they need a trusted adult to help with. You do not know what's going on with this kid.

But were you already in trouble with the school maddy? I'm guessing not, but DP is, he's had more reprimands and tellings off than I can count. At first I thought it was bullying but even I have to admit he doesn't seem to be listening, I just don't know what's going on.

What whatteacher123 says; Inappropriate relationships don't have to be sexual, as teachers we have a duty of care to our pupils, a pupil wanting to spend every break and lunchtime and after school talking to a teacher isn't normal, and he needs to pass this to his CPO sharpish, to protect them both.

I would show him the above as it encapsulates the situation he is putting himself in. This has clearly come to the attention of his colleagues judging but what you said. He really is on thin ice right now.

He needs to refer this girl on and step back. He is in danger of losing his job which will affect his family. That's where his priority should be. The fact he is not enjoying his job is not helped by him not being able to do it properly.

I would guess that having had problems with his managers that perhaps this pupil wanting/needing his help/attention is validation of his decision to teach & make a difference? A bit Dead Poet's society perhaps? I would sit him down, have a big long talk about what he actually likes/feels he's good at about teaching & then think of a plan about how you move forward. He must be feeling really pressured with you needing two incomes etc but teaching is a stressful job & seems likely to get even more so!

First thought on reading the OP was to ask if he was an NQT. Agree with others, he is treading a very thin line and needs to understand that this is all there for his protection. His career could be damaged instantly with any suspicions si early on.

Do you mind me asking why he went into teaching? DH is a teacher and has a good relationship with pupils. They are open but respectful; they can talk and joke with him but understand that he is their teacher.

A number of his colleagues seemingly went into teaching in an attempt to prolong and continue their own safe and enjoyable schooldays. Some even teach at their own old schools! These people seem to try and be very pally with the students and this has led to behaviour on the boundary of both acceptability and professionalism.

is there a risk that your DH is in this category?

He really needs to heed warnings, sounds like he may be lacking confidence in his suitability so is trying to mask that through his insistence that his way of doing things is right?

I think people need to be very clear about roles. Teachers are there to teach. They are not counsellors. If a child does disclose to a teacher then the teacher needs to follow the appropriate procedures in school. Teachers who take it upon themselves to counsel students are doing both their student and themselves a disservice. The only teachers ive known who have struggled with these boundaries have either ended up in prison, been dismissed due to incompetence or left under a cloud of suspicion.

You need to get your DP to listen because he sounds deluded.

Anamoly - how do you suggest I do that??

I think he went into teaching as he thought he'd be good at it. His confidence has taken so many serious knocks, though ... But I'm starting to just despair of him truth be told.

A couple of things occur to me on reading the thread.

1. OP, do you think that your DH may on some (possibly subconscious) level want to fail the year / be asked to leave? He must realise that by failing to following instructions, advice and safeguarding procedures that they can't pass him.

1. He needs to have a serious talk with his mentor about the problems that he's having. As a mentor myself, I can help sort out problems and it is always better to catch them as early as possible. When colleagues hide issues and pretend that they're doing fine, it becomes a huge snarly muddle to sort out when it eventually comes out - which it always does. Marking is a common one. Also, prioritising workload.

I'm really torn on this one.

I confided in one teacher and talked to her a lot. I told her when I was 13, that I had been sexually abused as a child. Later she was also the first person I told about self harming. Obviously she did all the proper things of telling HOY, phoning SS and police but I still talked to her a lot - basically I didn't want to go home, I was full of resentment that my parents had failed to protect me etc. I couldn't really open up to my friends properly but this teacher really understood and I used to show her my poems etc that I wrote about my feelings. I owe her so much. We are still in touch now (after a gap of about ten years) although it's more equal now as we actually have similar age DCs so it's just the odd casual comment on FB. I would never bring up the past as I hate to think how much pressure I put her under back then. :( I would love to say thank you but TBH there are no words.

In this case I'd be worried that a girl didn't want to go home.

I think it's really bizarre that he's not told you even vaguely what she is talking about (is that what you meant by 'he doesn't seem to be listening'? So he's just letting her talk without really paying attention?)

Or is it that he's not telling you? If he's hiding it I'd be worried.

I'm sure my teacher wouldn't have told her DP exactly what was going on with me (not that I'd really mind) but there's no reason why she couldn't have said something vague about a pupil having a difficult time at home and having phoned SS, without divulging anything else. He would've deserved to know if there was something taking up that much of her time (not that it was every day in my case) and possibly making her worried/stressed.

I don't know, I'm just thinking aloud really.

If there is no particular reason other than just wanting to chat then he needs to sort it out - even without any allegations of inappropriate behaviour he could lose his job through not keeping up with his work.

Would he have been better in a primary? Yes, he would have to teach many more subjects, but he would be very unlikely to get himself in a similar position.

(This is assuming that he is actually good at the actual teaching)

BTW just wanted to add that the school was totally aware of the fact my teacher was helping me. Because she did the right thing straight away and reported it, alongside still listening to me when I needed it.

I feel so sorry for you OP, you seem to understand the situation that he is putting himself in.
When you say he has been told off, is that a verbal warning or has it been put into writing?

Op, do you know who your dp's mentor is? I'd give them a ring, if I were you.
At the very least, you are looking at your dp failing his nqt year. He has then chucked away all the time and money spent on getting his teaching qualification. He also has to find another career, not easy at Yeh best of times. The worst case scenario is that he ends up jailed for inappropriate behaviour with a young gir. Whether or not he is behaving inappropriately, he is leaving himself wide open to that accusation and taking no notice when warned to stop.
If he can't take control of this situation. you have to. It is not only his life that will be ruined if he continues to do this.
for you, OP. this is a horrible situation that he is putting you in, but I really feel you need to take control of it, for your own sake.

But how do I take control of it? He's had inadequates in his teaching observations and has come home crying. We've gone through the targets he's been set, but then he changes things, he says they told him to do one thing and then he does it in such a way even I can see its all wrong. But he won't listen. There's this issue with the girl - don't think they talk about anything important or confidential. Just chit chat.

If he wanted to fail why would he want to fail? I can't get my head around that.

He's been advised not to in writing, it wasn't a written warning but the school referred to it as a management instruction.

I'd be worried about the girl not wanting to go home as per fuzzpig above. From your description of her appearance it sounds like she might have trouble fitting in - misfits are more likely to be bullied & indeed abused.

I think your DP is being very naive; he is obviously finding the job difficult - what is the problem here? Is he too close in age to his pupils to feel in control? Why teaching at all? Would primary teaching suit him better? Is he pushing his luck, hoping to be sacked so he doesn't have to do it anymore? Could he be a freelance maths tutor perhaps?

I feel this is all going to blow up & it's not going to be pleasant

Sorry, OP, I'd missed the fact that it was a written instruction. In that case, to speak to his mentor would probably add to their evidence, and might.make things worse.

The issue with him failing his nqt year is not in your control, I agree, but it sounds as if he is failing because hea not keeping up with the workload. The reason he's not keeping up is that he's spending his 'spare' time chatting to this girl, which he has been told not to do. This was issued as a written instruction so that, if he continues, they can sack him more easily. He needs to be very wary of spending any time with this girl. Continuing to meet with her on his own, on an area that's out of bounds to pupils, behind closed doors, after a written instruction to desist is professional suicide, to be Frank.
He is either very, very naive, or he is wanting to.push.then into sacking him so that he doesn't have to face the fact that he can't do the job.

Sorry, on phone so unable to scroll back and edit.
OP, could you get him to take some time off work? Can you talk to him gently about what's behind all this and help him decide if teaching is really for him? maybe he needs your 'permission' to give up.

I'm a teacher and I find this odd. Normal professional practice might be to chat for 10 mins and then check in every so often and maybe refer a problem onto management. Professional distance is important in teaching.

Hi honey

You are obviously worried about this from the perspective of your partnership - right now I would aim to get him to think of this in practical not emotional terms.

He needs that time for marking and planning to ensure he completes his nqt year. He also needs some help obviously with his planning so that his lesson observations improve.

Can he ask his mentor or subject colleagues to meet with him at lunch to help him? If he goes to see a range of people who have good practice as well as his mentor for ten minutes at the start of lunch he will be out of his classroom and then can go back to complete the plan so he has a task that fills his time.

After school why doesn't he start to bring his marking home so he can relax and make a quiet working environment for himself (I mark at home on the kitchen table I really prefer it as otherwise I'm always interrupted)

He needs to pass nqt if he still can and then perhaps consider if the school he is in is the right environment for him or if he needs to rethink

Notice I haven't mentioned this girl - it's easy to put the inappropriate relationships label on things now I heard of a teacher who was warned as she mentioned her son who several of her students knew but she was a single parent - you do have to be careful

It will be difficult for you to raise but perhaps you need to insist that your dp refers her to the pastoral care team if she has issues and if she doesn't as she doesn't take his subject tell him that he needs the time for other things and if he carrys on supporting her then he is letting you down as it means he is not working for you as a team

He needs the help and support of his colleagues to get through this and all his time available if he's that far down the road to failing it takes a lot to turn it around but you can do - often if you involve new colleagues teacher coaches Asts you can see nqts begin to get it and become excellent teachers

Hope that helps honey

Is him committing professional suicide what he actually (secretly) wants?

He's not happy in the job but can't just jack it in because of other peoples/his own expectations when he started out with his training. If other people like his parents are really proud of him and tell other family members it means letting them down too, tons of people seeing him fail, talking about it amongst themselves, judging him. (I'm not saying that's going to happen, but he might be thinking they will)

He wants a way out of it and this is one way?

It would still be inexcusable involving a child in it, but it does seem unusual behaviour, destructive, almost desperate. If he's having mental health problems because of the stress/isolation it can be very intense and you can start behaving in ways you never would in your 'rational' state of mind just to survive.

I can't see whether you've said about him getting help from the doctor, but he really needs to if it's affecting him drastically like this.

And if he's feeling cornered he needs options, the most 'dangerous' situations come about when people don't feel they can see a way out of their situation/the pain. If he does jack it in he needs to just shrug off the teaching, 'I tried it and it wasn't for me, so what?' not feel guilty for how he thinks other people will feel about his decision.

Remember you are the person that loves and supports him

If he cannot put his best interests first he must think of how it affects you

I used to talk to teachers a lot, even from juniors at Primary, I preferred their company to my peers, I probably made a bit of a nuisance of myself, I also helped out more than an average pupil and did things like babysitting and feeding pets but there was never anything untoward going on.

I think that you have to ask him what's going on with the girl, tell him that from the outside it might look odd and advise him to be cautious , I also think that you need to let him get on with his job, even though you are frustrated you need to let him learn from his own mistakes. Rather than trying to tell him what to do how something how about asking him how he thinks the his colleagues would handle the situation, encourage him to get close to a colleague?

I find the fact that he's had a written instruction and ignored it very worrying. Surely it's only a matter of time before he gets near dismissal? I think he does need some help but where from when he isn't listening is problematic.

I wonder if you could go into the school and chat with the head, in confidence. Maybe then they will really clamp down on it. But frankly, he's be looking at getting fired. A teacher shouldn't need to be told not to do this. They're not going to treat him like a naughty child and force him to do his work under supervision, or assign him a chaperone. Schools can be found to be complicit in abuse, and to keep ignoring the issue or offering gentle warnings could land them in a lot of hot water.