To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

[Sallystyle]

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

SamU2...my mum died when I was 13 from cancer, she was 43. At the time I had some fab friends who would just listen to me talk about the awful details & let me sob my heart out. Any teacher (or adult) who suggested counselling made me feel defensive (a bit like suggesting I was weak?!). I went through every emotion possible; anger, denial, grief etc & even now I get a variety of feelings depending on the moment (21 years later). Life is good now though & I just wanted to say this because although you & your DC will be suffering right now my experience eventually gave me the realisation that life can be short & you must live it! Still miss my mum lots xx

I am very sorry for your loss

I think you are being a bit unreasonable though. These types of cancer-fighter-strength comments are meant to be all about positive thinking, and inspiring cancer patients and their families. I don't think the implication is that those that die from cancer are less strong, more that the cancer was more vicious. That is how I see it anyway.

So many sad situations

I'm having a biopsy for suspected throat cancer next week and have already had stupid comments about being strong and positive.

Oh, and that a biopsy has a 50 / 50 chance of being cancerous / benign

someone explicitly said to me that death came quicky because [my loved one] just gave up and didn't fight hard enough. Some people believe this - that disease is in the mind.

It is hard to know what to say sometimes.

My lovely DSIL died of Cystic fibrosis. I never had any problems talking to her about her health because she was very open about her feelings. I thought that because she had had a lifetime of experience of being ill that she had developed her own ways of dealing with things. She could be quite feisty and opinionated with doctors and nurses when she needed to be and would call them up on things if she felt they were saying the wrong things.

One thing I remember is that sometimes she just wanted a big moan about everything - I used to feel glad that she didn't feel that she had to be 'brave' and 'strong' all the time.

Who is inspired by twaddle like this? Give me a break! They don't need 'inspiration' they need better treatments, better drugs, better financial support. NO amount of 'positive thinking' makes a blind bit of fucking difference.

'over the last few months I have been coming to the conclusion that a lot of things people say are for their own benefit unfortunately.'

This is true.

Someone recently has put Alex's excellent treatment response to "good karma".

I wish it was true. Bad things happen to very lovely people because sometimes life is just a bitch.

Thanks for this thread, I don't know anyone close to me that has had cancer but I would have probably said your a fighter or cancer will not win ect.

Hopefully I will not have to but in the event I do at least I will know what not to say.

My heart goes out to all the posters who have shared their experience with cancer.

I don't see the point of "positive thinking". It doesn't make any difference IMO and so it may be better to spend one's energy elsewhere.

I don't think positive thinking makes me feel any better but I feel I have to appear to be positive so that those around me can cope with what I am going through.

Honestly most days I feel like sitting in a corner and weeping. Instead I get up I go to work, I lead a normal life and when people ask me how I am coping I say I am fine. They don't see me at 3am when I lie awake wondering if I will still be alive to see ds's 10th birthday this summer.

It won't be positive thinking that gets me through this it will be the wonders of science and a huge amount of luck.

I'm sure they are intended as inspiring 'positive thinking', but they are nonetheless thoughtless at best.

Surely, Shara, the sheer number of people on this thread who have or have had cancer, or who have lost a friend or family member to cancer, and who have explained why the battling/fight/strength figures of speech are unhelpful, even counter-productive, makes you see that?

Plus you seem to be suggesting you can cherry-pick 'fighting' language about cancer, and only mean it 'inspirationally'. You can't. If you go around spouting guff about how someone is a fighter who can 'beat cancer' etc, if the cancer is incurable, you are sticking them with the flipside of the language - and associating their illness and death with defeat, weakness, vanquishing, giving up.

I had cancer twenty years ago.

I was bloody furious and absolutely terrified.

I hated the treatment and wept and wailed my way through it all.

I smoked and drank too because I was stressed and scared.

I was very lucky to survive, it was certainly not from my bravery and strength.

Sorry about your poor husband.

((((difficultpickle)))

I know what it's like to be under the cloud of cancer 24/7. I felt like I was on a tightrope. (I put a brave/cheerful face on it too, but moaned and complained constantly to my DH )

I found it helpful to tick off each round of treatment, count down the days till surgery etc. Well, it helped a bit. And to stay right away from anyone at the hospital who complained. (Or ate cheese and onion crisps.)

Op, I totally agree with you. To hear 'such and such lost their battle' when you know just how brave they have been sounds so inappropriate and wrong.

And it also puts so much pressure on people going through hellish treatment. Why should they have to put up a positive front all the time? If they want to moan and admit they feel shitty, so they bloody well should.

Someone I loved very much recently died of cancer and she was very angry in her last weeks. Not a super human saint - a real person going through the hardest time of her life.

Well I am truely sorry if I offended anyone, but I can only speak from my experience and positive thinking is the only thing keeping me going, especially with the fact Im soon to be separated from my very young dc for treatment. It is rotten bad luck, but I hope to think I might have some sort of control over the situation.

Sam, I had cancer two years ago, and am still dealing with things after having three surgeries, and I'm going in on Monday for another one. I HATE HATE HATE comments like this with a passion. I'm a member of a cancer support group and even they are doing it.

All this so and so lost her fight today,so and so is an inspiration?! Oh and all these bloody tattoos (I love tattoos don't get me wrong) with the logo and survivor underneath with a butterfly. I've got a sick sense of humour, was saying to dh I'd get my cancer back if I dared get a survivor one, that's my sort of luck. I'd never get one about cancer. I'm so glad you spoke up because people go all snotty about it at the cancer board, saying who am I to deny them comfort- I'm just saying my opinion.

Oh and if your a winner if you "beat" cancer, does it make you a loser if you die? Sorry for ranting and so sorry for your loss xxx

I think people of often say things for their own benefit - like 'gosh you're such an amazing mum. I couldn't do what you do' to me because I have a child with severe SN. I mean, what does that actually mean? They would not parent their child if he/she developed SN? Like I have a choice?
It's distancing. On a level they don't think about it 'rather you than me'

But to be fair I think it is the sort of thing we hear do often we feel as if its right. It's unthinking and knee jerk and words people reach for because they are talking to someone whose grief and/ or life is beyond their imagination.

It's human nature to try to say something positive because we think that's supportive.
Sometimes I wish people would say 'Christ how utterly shit'

One of our best friends has recently been diagnosed with advanced stage cancer and we try to ask him what we can do rather than tell him what we think he should hear.

Difficultpickle, shara, I wish you both all the best for your treatments and I hope for recovery for you. It must be utterly terrifying.

badday It's so good to read that people are learning something from this thread- thank you for saying that you'll be careful with your language if you are ever in this situation. Sadly, cancer is so common that it is likely to affect someone you know at some point.

A bit off-topic, but I was reading yesterday of a family in my area in which the 3 year-old DC1 has cancer (brain tumour) and the father is having treatment for leukaemia. What awful, shitty, rotten luck that is in the cancer lottery for that poor family :(

Sharaluck you may want to have a look at this thread. Lots of support and not just for breast cancer. I've got a weird very rare form of cancer (not breast cancer) and everyone on that thread really supports each other. I've found it helpful to ask questions there too. Good luck with your treatment. I think the worst for me is knowing I will be away from home and from ds for many weeks.

I'm off to hospital for at least 4 weeks this week (the first of several admissions one of which may be up to 3 months). I'm currently trying to finalise plans on who will look after ds when I'm there (single parent so no dp/dh to help), who will do the school runs, where he'll be at weekends. I've also had to get my consultant to negotiate with the hospital for ds to be allowed to visit (usually children aren't allowed

I also think that lots of people have different ways with coping with cancer whether they are the patient or the loved ones and friends of someone with cancer. For me I am rubbish at asking for help so I'm lucky to have some friends who have just stepped in to do things without me having to ask (as they know I wouldn't).

I'm so sorry for everyone who is living with cancer and who has lost people to cancer.

I totally understand the fury and despair at these kind of comments - I hate them too.