To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

[Sallystyle]

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

YANBU. I also dislike the talk of fights and battles. It seems so inappropriate to me.

There's a great book by Barbara ehrenreich, called 'bright sided'. It really takes apart the American popular obsession with positive thinking, prompted by her own experience of how people reacted to the news she had cancer.

Take care of yourself. Grief is such a strange and terrible process.

Sometimes it is actually braver to stop treatment and accept what is happening. All too often doctors and nurses just keep trying this treatment and that, almost as if it is a personal insult that their patient is dying, when really, what that patient really needs is to be kept out of pain and for their families to have the chance to say goodbye and for them to die in peace.

Expat - I am so sorry.

Expat I am so sorry

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate the good thoughts and care.

Oh and a shoulder to talk on, not in

YANBU. The positive mental attitude bullshit that accompanies cancer is as bad as the snake oil bullshit.

People say shit like this to make themselves feel better, mostly. It's a human condition and frightening, so this kind of twaddle gives a false sense of security against the fear of it. It strikes babies and small children who cannot control their attitude or focus on a 'fight'. It's all down to luck, often, whether one lives or dies of it.

My child got a very aggressive, uncommon form of leukaemia.

YANBU. My Mum died in her forties from cancer. She was the strongest, most stubborn lady you could meet.... but it was just too much, too late... and there was no more fighting it.

She had massive surgeries, all kinds of horrible procedures, chemo, drugs... etc etc.. but eventually she said she'd had enough, she was tired.

It wouldn't have changed the outcome.

It really angers me when people make a big deal about 'fighting' cancer - medicine fights it for you, positive thinking doesn't come in to it.

YANBU. Its not a battle. Its a disease and if its aggressive and advanced it doesn't matter how strong you are, you will sadly die.

And to suggest someone died because they didn't fight hard enough is just awful.

Exactly, expat. It goes hand in hand with the "Oh it'll be alright, I KNOW it will" and "everything happens for a reason" and "I believe if you want something badly enough it'll happen."

As many people know, all the above is sheer bollocks and people only say it so they don't have to be the ones who have to provide genuine comfort and handholding.

I am so, so sorry about everyone's losses

OP - YANBU, I, thankfully, haven't had any experience of cancer effecting anyone close but I still get when people talk about a patients 'attitude' influencing the end result. I am sure having a positive attitude helps in some respects but it can't cure you, can it!

I also get irritated when people talk about how intelligent, beautiful or successful someone who died was when these attributes don't actually matter. For example, when children die it's sometimes mentioned if they were straight 'A' students. It seems a strange thing to say. Although, obviously, if it helps those left behind with their grief then I suppose it's ok.

yanbu i havent read the thread , but totally agree with how hurtful those remarks can be to you , same as when a couple die within a few months of each other and people say they couldnt live with out each other, its like saying your still alive so you never loved your husband that much , it does annoy me .

I too hate the rubbish that some people come out with., even though I know they are trying to be helpful and positive. We recently lost my sister -in - law and another friend to breast cancer. Both had young children both wanted to live so so much and both fought so bravely. Neither of them managed to 'beat' cancer.
I'm really sorry for your loss. xx

I also get irritated when people talk about how intelligent, beautiful or successful someone who died was when these attributes don't actually matter. For example, when children die it's sometimes mentioned if they were straight 'A' students.

Yes, ToBeSure, I get that completely. It's like someone who is beautiful dying is worse than someone who isn't, or a parent dying is more tragic than someone who hasn't got children (before I am flamed - all unnecessary deaths are tragic, it doesn't matter who the person was, they were still someone's child, partner, friend).

It is also really annoying when a person dies and suddenly everyone has something nice to say about them, when they never bothered to be nice to them before.

"I don't think so. I think the comments are all about the individual writing them. If they thought about the other person, they'd realise they don't help morale at all. I think all this business about being strong and brave is another way of saying "I don't want to hear about the pain you're in. If you're feeling weak and lonely and frightened, please don't tell me. Let's maintain this illusion that you're brave and strong and then I won't need to make an effort to listen to you."

hackmum I agree with this

SamU YANBU, and please don't feel you should apologise in any way for mentioning your family's experiences. If you can't do it here, where can you?

. Tunnocks, that is so very hard.

My ex-MIL died from cancer in October. She was the strongest, bravest woman you could ever meet. And she died. So, imo, YANBU to hate all this brave battle talk and I hate it too.

My child never lived to grow up and have the children she desperately wanted, due to disease. She wanted to live.

Expat... I'm so sorry

Oh expat .

And Mrs DV . You are right, people really should think.

This thread has me crying now.

I still have flashbacks of seeing one of mine sob over their dad's dead body. That image will never fade I am sure. Watching your children in so much pain is cruel and it feels like my heart is being stamped on repeatedly.

And then I read comments from Mrs DV, Expat and many others who have also been hurt by these insensitive and cruel comments and feel angry that people can say such horrible things. I know they mean well but it doesn't make it any less hard to hear/read and it is cruel to many people reading them.