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Original poster

To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

291 replies

Sallystyle · 08/02/2014 09:57

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

OP posts:
growingolddicustingly · 10/02/2014 00:57

ThanksSam

My husband died of cancer 4 years ago this New Year's Eve past. My real bugbear was the thoughtless comments I had from nurses (yes) and friends immediately afterwards. "I know what you are going through because my nan died last year"; "I understand how you feel because my dog died recently" (I kid you not!).

They had no fucking idea what I was going through. All my future, my hopes, dreams, plans died with my husband. I had to make a new future for myself and my DCs; new plans. I loved my nans but it wasn't the same when they died. I love my dogs but you have to be kidding me! I didn't scream in their stupid faces because what was the point - they were trying to be empathetic in their cack handed, non empathetic way. People can be very unthinking even when trying to come from a good place. God, I feel good getting that out of my system.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 01:16

"I know what you are going through because my nan died last year"; "I understand how you feel because my dog died recently" (I kid you not!).

Parents bereaved of a child get this, more often than you think. It's crushing. You do not expect your nan to live for another 70+ years. Losing a child is a LIFETIME of loss, of all the things Nan got to do, but they will never. They never get to BE a nan, or a parent, at all. And people think it's the same thing?

And your dog has a max lifespan of about 20 years, you know this when you get a dog. Dogs aren't expected to become adults, drive a car, get a job, have boyfriends or girlfriends, grow roses.

Also the, 'You can have another baby.' Sure, let me go pick up a replacement child at a supermarket.

Even Kevin Wells, whose daughter Holly was murdered, age 10, nearly 12 years ago, has been told, 'Isn't it time you moved on?'

To where? Where do you move? Never-fucking-never land?

Stuff mostly starts to roll off you because, as MrsDeVere points out, it's mostly said for the benefit of the speaker.

chocoluvva · 10/02/2014 01:23

That must be sickening expatinscotland. Losing a child is surely every parent's worst nightmare.

Stinkyminkymoo · 10/02/2014 07:41

I'm sorry to hear about your husband Hmm

YANBU, I lost my uncle, godfather and a dear friend to cancer within 14 months, DF & DGF on the same day in December.

I feel the same as you, none of them had a chance and went downhill very quickly and then suddenly died. I've always found it secretly insulting as I feel it insinuates they couldn't be bothered to fight it or weren't strong enough when I know this wasn't the case.

In fact I know only 1 person who has survived cancer Hmm

TarteAuxRiz · 10/02/2014 07:46

I think most people are terrified of death because of its meaninglessness and so cast about for something, anything, to say to make it 'better'. People just don't know how to 'handle' the bereaved at all. There should be manuals for this situation. Actually I think just having someone there to listen to you talk and say very little, or hold your hand in silence is really valuable. I don't actually know anyone who can do this!!!

bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 08:02

why talkat all. just be there to listen. just be there to cook,clean,drive, help in any way but mostly just listen.

Original poster
Sallystyle · 10/02/2014 08:12

Thanks again everyone.

I just want to point out again that he was my ex husband, father to three of my children.

I don't want anyone to read another post from me about my husband then think I am a faker or something Grin

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 10/02/2014 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firesidechat · 10/02/2014 09:48

Manic I know you mean well, but I have to disagree with you.

My husband will probably be having cancer treatment for the rest of his life, but even if he did somehow "beat" cancer, he would hate, hate, hate to have anyone attribute this to any strength on his part. It will be because the treatments have improved and because of our health insurance and because of an excellent consultant who we have known for over 6 years now.

Do you think my husband relishes the prospect of being "positive" for the rest of his life, just so other people can feel better.

As it happens, we are quite positive people and we still enjoy all the good things in our life. That doesn't stop the tears and distress when we have to drive to the clinic in the middle of the night and endure painful, undignified procedures and the occasional emergency op. Sometimes the mere thought of any kind of fight is draining beyond belief. So we don't think like that and what's more it will have absolutely no impact on the final result.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 09:52

Any belief one has control over one's fate in such a situation is an illusion.

maillotjaune · 10/02/2014 09:59

Manic my DH was negative. Terrified, even, despite the type of cancer he was diagnosed with having a good prognosis when detected early (pretty shit if caught late).

He is clear 2 years later and this has nothing to do with positive thinking. Should I worry that his gloom makes recurrence more likely? He fears it, certainly, but that is normal isn't it?

firesidechat · 10/02/2014 10:24

Something I haven't said yet is that we are incredibly thankful that my husband is still here and relatively well. It has been a hard slog at times, but it could have been so much worse. We were lucky - it was caught early and he responds well to the treatment (not everybody does sadly).

Some of the posters on here have gone through such terrible sadness and I'm so sorry.

MrsDeVere · 10/02/2014 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sallystyle · 10/02/2014 11:42

My ex was determined to see Xmas day. His last wish was to see our children on Xmas day.

On the 10th Dec I was sitting with him while he told me he believed that the reason he was still alive was because he was determined to see Xmas day. He told me that he knew he was going to make it and then after that he would be ready to go. I kind of believed him.

That evening he became delusional, on the 13th Dec he died.

He never got his wish. His positivity didn't help after all.

OP posts:
LuckyBitches · 10/02/2014 11:47

YANBU

My brother has cancer, and he's not "fighting" anything. He doesn't have the energy. He's submitted himself to the treatment process, and that obviously feels right for him. He needs rest.

harticus · 10/02/2014 12:40

Manic - the positivity thing really worked for you and your Dad and your family ... and that is all that matters.

But one size never fits all especially when it comes to illness.

I absolutely love life and I shall do all I can that is scientifically proven to try to make sure I am here to raise my son.

If one day an extensive robust scientific study proves that "positivity" is effective against cancer then I can assure you I shall be bouncing around like Anthea fucking Turner on a space hopper.

bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 12:47

what I find really sickening are cameras in old people's homes celebrating someone living to 100 etc. a reporter usually asks what their secret is and a daft reply like never smoking and a glass of whiskey a night or walking 3 miles a day is trotted out.

I want to scream no no no you are just bloody lucky. there is no secret. it's luck.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 10/02/2014 14:45

I have a little mental blacklist of people who have said stupid/inappropriate things to me at vulnerable times - times of grief or suffering or just when I've been exhausted by the plain old plod of supporting a loved one through cancer treatment.

I tell DH that I've moved on from them but I haven't. That grudge list still lurks around!

harticus · 10/02/2014 15:44

Oh yes MissBetsey - the grudge list!

My top 3 arsehole comments:

Me - I have cancer.
Friend - Eurgh icky.

Me - I have cancer.
Friend - Have you made a will?

Me - I have breast cancer.
Friend - Oh who doesn't these days?! Everyone has got it - it's like the "must have" disease. You'll be telling me you're bipolar next.

IceBeing · 10/02/2014 15:51

No way - especially that last one...

Thanks to you all.

chocoluvva · 10/02/2014 15:52

The response I got that I appreciated the most was the friend who just said - "Oh no."

expatinscotland · 10/02/2014 15:54

The top prize I can give goes to this random person, I think it was a friend of a friend, not really sure how she got my mobbie number.

But she troubled herself to ring me a few days after DD1's funeral to tell me she didn't go along (I hadn't noticed, tbh) because she had a child the same age and it was 'just too painful'.

Thanks for that, bitch. I hung up on her.

chocoluvva · 10/02/2014 16:09
Shock

No support from that person then.

vladthedisorganised · 10/02/2014 16:20

Oh expat - I'm so Sad and Angry for you..
OP, YANBU. It drives me barmy too. My mum died four months from diagnosis and she was the biggest 'fighter' going - it was diagnosed at too advanced a stage. She was 63.

What really got my goat was the amount of crap people spouted about such-and-such a lifestyle 'causing' or 'curing' cancer - as if going on the sodding 5:2 diet would get rid of a malignant tumour overnight. No, she didn't smoke, yes, she was reasonably healthy, and yes, I think it still would have happened if she'd had a wheatgrass juice every morning for the last 10 years.

And don't get me started about pink. I am possibly ungrateful, but 'wear it pink to beat cancer!!!' doesn't actually work unless you're raising money for cancer research I work with some right idiots

I have a grudge list and a hug list so it kind of evens out.

Flowers for everyone on here.

nosleeptillbedtime · 10/02/2014 16:26

Yanbu at all. I remember Clare Raynor saying she didn't like these comments as they may make the bereaved person feel, 'why didn't he live me enough to fight?'. Sadly some people seem to think positive thinking is magic, and this is the pernicious effect of that way of thinking.