To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

[Sallystyle]

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

Fucking hell @ some of the things people have said to some of you. I am appalled :(

Because my parents died close together, I got a lot of 'at least they're together now'. Errrr, no. Dad is under a tree at the burial ground and mum is still in a cardboard container at the undertakers. (Sorry mum, we're waiting for some nicer weather for your ashes day).

I suppose people think that it just seems like a logical thing to say. I don't find it particularly helpful, but I also don't find it offensive and I don't think it's in the same league as some of the comments that other posters have discussed.

expat thats awful, what was she wanting, your sympathy?

some people

YANBU so sorry for your loss.
It drives me crazy too my lovely dad was given 9months he got cancer at sg4 and it was agressive.
Nothing pisses me off more than those stupid beat cancer crap
You just cant compare cancers and he was youngish very fit and healthy he could have jumped on one leg with an IV of green tea and it wouldnt make any difference.
I hate that it implies he was in some way weak.
I should avoid fb i think.

I've no idea. What would possess someone to ring someone whose child died and say that? I was speechless and she just ranted on. Weirdo. I just hung up after a while.

My friend has cancer. People keep telling her she is brave and will beat it and to stay strong and to fight etc etc...

She gets pissed off with it. She told me she is not fighting it. She said she is dealing with it by doing all she can to increase her chances of recovery which she says is no guarantee.
She also said she is not brave - she has no choice but to get on with it.

The last thing she wants is pressure from people telling her to stay strong because sometimes she feels anything but!

expat Sorry to say, she just sounds like a massive drama queen who had to make it about her. People like that get lots of mileage out of other people's tragedies. Glad you hung up on her :)

I am saddened, but not surprised at what some people come out with.

While the "battling" analogy may be helpful for some people, I've yet to meet one. I have met people with cancer who go alone to appointments because they cannot put on a brave face.

My mum died of cancer 24 years ago at the age of 48. I can remember being upset by newspaper headlines at the time saying the exact words you mention OP about some celebrities who had/ died of cancer. It did hurt as my mum tried her best to be better but 24 years ago hospitals did very little when people were diagnosed with cancer.

YANBU OP. It makes me cross every time I hear that rubbish, and makes me question the judgement of the person who says it. Find something else to say, it isn't hard....

YANBU. I work as a palliative care nurse and both my parents died far too young from cancer. It's a hideous, random disease and sometimes no amount of "fighting" or "battling" vs make a difference.

Only read one page so sorry if this had already been mentioned, but it is fantastic you have such a good relationship with your ex - DH's widow. This must be helping you all (esp your DC) with grieving.
Sorry for your loss.

I saw this www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-26669971 and it reminded me of this thread.

It's about American car workers, who used to be well paid and are now unemployed. They believed that they succeeded on their own merits, and now the jobs aren't there, they are blaming themselves. Unemployment is seen as a personal failure.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum and dad from cancer, and two years ago I was diagnosed with a 4cm tumour on cervix. I HATE HATE HATE when people say you're strong, you'll beat it, etc. to make things worse I'm on a support board full of people getting the all clear and getting tattoos saying "I kicked cancers butt" and "I'm a survivor". It really upsets me. The implication being if cancer kills you, you didn't fight hard enough? Or weren't strong enough?. Vile.

X