To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

[Sallystyle]

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

yanbu at all OP. Thoughts with all those who have lost loved ones to cancer, and best wishes to all those on thread having treatment/waiting for test results.

I fear they are also going to lose two grandfathers this year too.

One has throat cancer that treatment so far hasn't helped and the other has cancer in his bile duct and gallbladder. I have awful health anxiety and petrified that I will get cancer next and they might lose me too.

I was looking through my child's Facebook as that was one of the rules of him having it, and I read a message from his friend. His friend had told him to keep his head up and keep strong and never cry. My little boy told his friend politely that while he knew he was being nice he doesn't have to be strong all the time and it is ok to cry, get angry and break down and it's strong to allow yourself to do this. I was SO proud of him.

again to everyone who has lost someone or dealing with cancer themselves. I wish cancer would just fuck off but it seems it is all I hear about lately and it is SO scary, it seems to be happening to younger people more often too, or maybe it just feels that way?

And thanks for the kind words and support, it means so much to me.

Oh Sam- your son sounds amazing, how old is he? What a sophisticated understanding he has of himself and his situation.

Like you, I have had periods of health anxiety over the last year. One month, I saw the GP 3 or 4 times, convinced I had (various different types of) cancer. It's exhausting and you have my sympathies. x

That son is 12, nearly 13.

They are 14, 12 and 10.

I am sorry you have had HA too.

It's horrible.

I haven't been to the GP for 6 weeks now. I never used to go to the doctors until my ex got ill. Now not going for 6 weeks is something to celebrate.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable though. These types of cancer-fighter-strength comments are meant to be all about positive thinking, and inspiring cancer patients and their families. I don't think the implication is that those that die from cancer are less strong, more that the cancer was more vicious. That is how I see it anyway.

Sharaluck. The only thing I would ask is that if this is true, why do the vast majority of cancer patients hate this sort of comment? Most people with cancer are too polite to say how rubbish this sort of platitude can make them feel, so well meaning people will carry on saying it. Lots of cancer patients don't benefit from this type of stereotyping. Please listen to them.

Personally I think this thread has been incredibly useful if it only makes a few people rethink what they say to others who are suffering.

Why would anyone be "inspired" by something that doesn't work though? Positive thinking or negative thinking do not cure or worsen cancer. It's no more than being "inspired" by a placebo.

These types of cancer-fighter-strength comments are meant to be all about positive thinking, and inspiring cancer patients and their families.

Oh really?

Well thanks and all that but I really don't need fatuous clichés to "inspire" myself or my family.

Positive thinking - what a crock of glib patronising shite that is.

HA here too.

Great GP though, who knows our family's sorry tale always gives me the time of day.

I am lucky with my GP too and my poor dentist.

I live next door to my dental practice so have had a lot of times where I have dropped in because I think I have oral cancer.

I am waiting for a specialists appointment for a lesion type thing my dentist is not worried about and two GP's said was nothing.

It's been there months now and hasn't changed but I still worry. I was referred in december after I cried and my dentist just hugged me bless him, they marked it as non-urgent so that put my mind at rest for a while. My appointment is at the end of March so no one but is worried

but me*

Sam, what an ordeal you have been through. I think people are just trying to be nice when they say those things because they really don't know what to say. Still, it is annoying the little platitudes and other nonsense. The oh he/she was so brave and never complained rubbish.

My ex also passed away from cancer. We were together 20 years. I go no support or acknowledgment about his death at all. Nothing. That was much worse than if someone said you are so strong blah blah.

After he got cancer and passed so suddenly and young at 57, I am paranoid about getting sick and dying. I'm 52. It has turned into a health anxiety.

Hi OP. Firstly sorry for your loss, and for your girls.
I think that the reason people do this is because we, as a society in general, seem terrified of things arbitrarily occurring. So often when something bad or sad happens people talk about karma or fate or other ideas of predestiny or 'justice' or strength to overcome disease or mortality.
My mum lost her husband in a car accident after months of him being in a coma and one of the things she most frequently said was 'why him, why me. Why us? Of course the answer was simply, 'because it was possible that it could happen'
I think this questioning and need to attribute ourselves with the ability to overcome, due to some 'power' that we have over adversity, is because to face the facts (that actually shit things happen because they can and that they can happen to any one of us no matter who we are and how good, bad, strong, weak or middling we may be and there's not a sodding thing we can do to stop it.) is too much for many people. Because if that's the way things really are then we're all so vulnerable and a lot of what we do could be seen to be futile. So they say comments like the ones you mention to convince themselves that if it happened to them they'd have a chance, that somehow they could change the outcome.
I know that noneo f this helps how shitty you must feel when you read those comments, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that tonight.

YANBU. It's offensive and downright stupid and extrapolates to any terminal disease, not just cancer. I had a close friend who was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour, she had no chance of survival but had to endure loads of inane comments from well meaning but ultimately ignorant acquaintances saying things like "you never know, you're a strong person, you can beat this" blah blah fucking blah. Sorry for what you're going through, you don't need this shit.

Nail hitting head with that post, Tarte. Absolutely bang on. It's a way of control and of, on some level, distancing oneself from the reality that it can happen to anyone - not just those who are brave, strong, positive, etc.

I agree expat. Tarte did nail it.

I agree re Tarte's post- I was nodding enthusiastically while reading it. It's about people not wanting to accept that they don't have complete control over what happens to them.

This is the kind of situation where facebook is a very unhelpful medium.

There is nothing wrong with saying things like 'what a fighter', 'you've beaten cancer', 'you're so strong', 'you never gave up' etc to the cancer survivor. They deserve those kind of encouragements and most cancer survivors I know appear to experience a kind of pride and sense of achievement in their success (I can't say for certain because they only people I've been close to who've had cancer have died).

Those comments however, are not aimed at the eyes of the loved ones of those who were not so lucky. They're not meant to make anyone else feel that a person who died did the opposite of those comments. Nobody (I hope!) would say to the family of someone who has died 'what a loser' 'they lost to cancer' 'they were so weak' 'they gave up' etc.

The positive encouragements don't have opposites. It's not a strong or weak, winner or loser kind of analogy and unfortunately social media means that people have to read comments aimed at survivors while thinking of their own tragic loss. Which sucks. But doesn't mean that the survivor doesn't deserve the comments (people should perhaps learn how to private message!!).

Here's a case in point. 2 days before my Dad died a relative of mine posted this on his facebook wall (this was before the days of statuses and messaging being used a lot):

'Hey Uncle X, hope today has been a little easier on you. I just want you to know that you're the strongest and most inspiring Godfather I could ever have wished for. You keep on fighting, Uncle X, the world (and me!) need you around one hell of a lot longer. Love and positive vibes, xx'

the day he died the same relative posted this:

'RIP to the strongest man I've ever known. You never stopped fighting. I'm so sorry, there are no words.' xx

Both of those messages are filled with the positive fight metaphors, even though my Dad had died by the time the second one was posted. The relative had no thoughts that my Dad had 'failed' or 'given up', he was still a strong fighter, even though he died.

All cancer sufferers are strong fighters imo, regardless of their outcome.

And I firmly believe that positive thinking helps.

And I firmly believe that positive thinking helps

How? How does it help?
How does it stop cancer cells from mutating?

None of my personality attributes or flaws will impact on my outcome in any way shape or form because the cancer cells don't have magic little positivity receptors on them.
I despise this tyranny of positivity and the pressure it exerts on patients.

I am not brave I am terrified and I am not going to pretend otherwise so that the rest of society can feel less scared.

It doesn't stop cancer cells mutating. But (according to my Dad this is, I haven't had cancer myself) it keeps you calmer, more focused, keeps your mind active, allows you to have more meaningful moments with those you care about and take away the bitterness that just makes you want to scream and cry. My Dad believed that his mental approach gave him more days than another approach would have done. I don't know if he was right but it certainly wasn't my place to tell him he was wrong.

I asked him once if he was afraid. He said, 'no. What have I got to be afraid of?' I said (I was quite young and very immature for my age) 'dying. Isn't it scary? Does it hurt?' and he told me that he believed he would have all the time he needed to do everything he needed to do. And he did. After that he went quickly. Coincidence? I don't know. But it helps me to believe that he had that element of control over his own fate.

you are right op. surviving cancer is sheer luck, catching it early and good treatment.

my lovely mil died of cancer and trust me she was a fighter who wanted to live.

so sorry for your loss. xxx

cancer cells don't have magic little positivity receptors on them

That sums it up harticus, well said.

'I am not brave I am terrified and I am not going to pretend otherwise so that the rest of society can feel less scared.'

TOO RIGHT. I'm curious, too, if 'positive thinking' helps, how does this apply to babies and young children who really don't even understand the entire concept?

My child's bone marrow was fundamentally flawed and produced immature white blood cells with two desperate mutations instead of healthy white blood cells. All the chemo in the world could not cure her of this.

We tried to be as positive as possible, NO ONE wants to see a baby or child with cancer.

She still fucking died.

She, and others like her, don't need more 'positive thinking' and trite phrases. Her doctors need money and funding to try to figure out what causes this and how to better treat it, because this decades old chemo and these stem cell transplants are crap ways of doing it, but all they have just now.

'surviving cancer is sheer luck, catching it early and good treatment.'

And, often enough, having a type that even has a decent treatment, or anyone at all. No one survives DIPG.

That's what frustrates me the most: the number of late diagnoses as a result of GPs misdiagnosing.

And why the difference in waiting times between different types of cancer even when at an advanced stage?