Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

291 replies

Sallystyle · 08/02/2014 09:57

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

OP posts:
tunnocksteacake · 08/02/2014 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wordsaremything · 08/02/2014 19:30

Oh love xxx

Original poster
Sallystyle · 08/02/2014 19:41

My friend lost her child and she hated it when people would tell her how they wouldn't be able to live if their child had died. It made her feel like people were trying to say she was either amazing for carrying on living or that they would care more if their child died.

Another insensitive comment which is often thrown around.

Again, I am sure they don't mean anything negative when they say it but it's still a shit thing to say to someone grieving for their child imo.

OP posts:
IceBeing · 08/02/2014 19:41

tunnock I thought of you as soon as I saw this thread. I saw your original thread about your DH and have been thinking of you on and off. I am glad to here your DH is still with you and so sorry to hear how hard things are. Thanks

Wordsaremything · 08/02/2014 19:44

Just wondering, have you tried CRUSE? I've heard they are incredibly supportive.

I am only now getting flashbacks, six months on- but mine was not a traumatic 'far too early' bereavement but an elderly dad whose time had come. It is still very upsetting and intrusive though. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I'm on good-ish terms with my ex and get on very well with his first wife.If anything were to happen to him, I can envisage a similar scenario.

Please gEt some support for yourself love. Your burden is impossibly heavy. You sound lovely.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 08/02/2014 19:50

Of course you aren't being unreasonable.

But people tend to make these comments to make the person who 'survived' cancer feel special/good about themselves, it's not saying something about someone who hasn't fought cancer.

I mean if someone passes away from cancer the comment is usually 'cancer always takes the good ones away' so it works the same way.

I'm sorry it's upsetting you though I am sure that was never the intention.

toomuchtooold · 08/02/2014 19:52

No YANBU at all. It's so fucking depressing if you've lost someone to cancer and I can only imagine it must be pretty difficult to take if you're going through cancer treatment. If positivity is what makes you pull through then does that mean if you're getting sicker it's your own fault? It's such a stupid thing.

My dad died of lung cancer, it was stage 3b when they found it, you can be as positive as you like, nobody comes back from that.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 08/02/2014 19:54

Oh and with the 'I couldn't live' comment I'm afraid I have made that comment myself, but never to someone who had a relative with cancer or who had lost someone to cancer, only to close friends and family but still insensitive I do understand but it's just how I feel - as someone who just couldn't bare not having my child (like every parent I imagine) it was just what the first thought was in my head.

antiabz · 08/02/2014 19:55

Yanbu

I hate these too. My friend died a year and a half ago, six months after she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I know the comments are well meant but it really winds me up. Almost like people are saying if she was stronger / had an iron will then she wouldn't have left her two little boys.

Original poster
Sallystyle · 08/02/2014 19:55

Thank you so much :)

The children saw someone from Nelsons Journey but they all clammed up and refused to talk. It was only two weeks after he died and my almost 15 year old got quite grumpy with the counsellor and told her that talking wouldn't bring him back so he sees no point in it. The counsellor is coming back in soon to try again.

Hopefully the appointment with the palliative psychological team will prove helpful.

The palliative nurses were amazing. They sent the boys some baubles as he died just before Xmas and they decorated them and put a message to their dad in them. We have a bit of a shrine going on in the living room, a massive picture on canvas of them all (which I took, I took loads the week before he died) and their baubles are hanging over it. It is quite hard to look at but I don't have the heart to ask them to move it to their room so I have to look at it all the time. If it helps them then it can stay but it can be quite painful to look at, however they get a lot of comfort from it.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 08/02/2014 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 19:58

Yes. 'I would just die.' How do you think that makes us feel? I want to. Every.Single.Day. But I have two little kids.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 08/02/2014 20:03

YANBU. There is no link between a positive attitude and a better outcome in cancer. It's a shitty thing to say there is when people have buried their darling loved ones.

thegreylady · 08/02/2014 20:04

'fighting' or 'giving up' are not opposites. What you call giving up some call accepance with dignity and opting for quality rather than quantity of life. It is a fact which most cancer sufferers come to learn, that once cancer has metastasised (spread) outside its original site then cure is very rare indeed. There is usually treatment for those cases but it tends to be either palliative or experimental.. The choice whether or not to accept such treatment has nothing to do with fighting or giving up.
It is also a fact that some of us research our disease and its treatments so our choices are informed. That doesn't mean we fight less hard than those who do not do that. This is such an emotive topic. As all of us touched by it any way at all can say...IFHC!

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 08/02/2014 20:04

OP, thank you for posting this. Its not something I'd ever given much thought to (very lucky to not have much experience of cancer). I can't remember ever saying it but I've certainly read this (facebook etc) and never given a second thought, but I will do from now on.

Whathaveiforgottentoday · 08/02/2014 20:05

very sorry for your loss as well.

mezza123 · 08/02/2014 20:21

I agree OP, I hate all the rubbish that is talked around cancer, 'fighting', being a survivor, blah blah. I don't think there's a lot of personal choice around whether or not you survive or not. It's ubiquitous in the media though, so I'm kind of surprised that other people think the same way I do.

I hope your children do better with their counsellor in the future.

maillotjaune · 08/02/2014 20:23

I can hardly believe people say things like 'I would just die...'. Obviously they do, it's not that I don't believe it, just can't believe that would ever seem like a sensible thing to say to someone who is bereaved.

Whether you would just die is irrelevant because it's all about you, not the person who has lost someone.

I remember a thread a while back where some people were objecting to 'I'm sorry for your loss' type comments but really isn't that the most appropriate thing to say? I am sorry, but it's about your loss not how I might feel in that situation.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 08/02/2014 20:29

YANBU at all. I hate the fighting rhetoric around cancer.

My dad 'fought' - he died, leaving us, a young family behind.
My mum 'submitted' - she made it, just.

As a daughter who lost her father young, he has never left me. He is there always, in my thoughts and memories every day. I notice bits of my parenting that he did and he's there always for my DCs because of that.

x

MrsDeVere · 08/02/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maillotjaune · 08/02/2014 20:44

MrsDV that's awful but actually thinking about how my MIL reacted to my DH's diagnosis it was all about her friends worrying about her, people saying mass for her, she was devastated etc so I suppose its just an extension of that.

I can understand a quick foot-in-mouth moment followed by an embarrassed apology but to go on and on and not realise...Sad Confused

weebarra · 08/02/2014 20:56

I have breast cancer, it's genetic - I have the BRCA2 gene. I'm halfway through chemo, then double mastectomy, then radiotherapy.
People are constantly telling me they don't know how I cope, how strong I am. I'm not particularly strong, but I have three small children whose lives have been turned upside down in the past few months and we are trying to preserve some semblance of normality for them.
If I survive the next three years, it will not be due to force of will, but medical science.
My thoughts to all of you who have lost loved ones or are dealing with this shit disease.

ArgyMargy · 08/02/2014 21:02

YANBU - I hate this ridiculous attitude too. I'm so sorry for all your losses. Thanks Sad

MrsDeVere · 08/02/2014 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zeezeek · 08/02/2014 21:14

SamU2 - just, lots of love from me. xxxxxxxxxxx