To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

[floppops]

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

I am surprised that people risk producing a mini MIL! I take after my father's mother so it is just as well my mother liked her!

IME getting visits out of the way quickly when you are still in the hospital is advisable.

The problem here is your DH. Why on earth is he taking ANYTHING out on you. Tell your DH she can come and visit when you're in hospital, for a quick visit, and that he needs to manage her visit without involving you.

YANBU not to want her to come. But on the other hand she should be able to see her new grandchild. I don't think asking her to wait a few days is too much. Get your DH to make the arrangements. I don't think it's worth making a big issue of it though if she insists on coming.

This is one of the reasons i dread DS having children. MILs are always the one made to wait to see the baby, its definately a control thing.

Good on your DH insisting his mum can come, she is just as important to him and your mum is to you.

That's fine happymum, the next time the OP's dh has an OP his dm can visit before the mil. That's a comparable scenario.

HappyMummy Was that hyperbole or are you genuinely misinformed?

An op, ie operation.

I can't get my head around it being so important to see a baby that is not yours with in hours. Very weird behaviour.

I'm just taking a wild stab in the dark here Pixie, and I am guessing you are not a grandparent. Am I right?

That's not to say that grandparents should be allowed in immediately post birth if it doesn't suit the parents, but to say that it is weird to want to see a grandchild at the earliest available opportunity and even to say that it is 'not yours'....well, as I say, I'll put it down to your lack of experience.

My grandchildren are mine in every way that counts. Of course their parents have absolute say over their upbringing, my visiting times, etc etc, but they are my flesh and blood (including the one who is adopted) and no mistake....

HappyMum ?? really ??

An op, ie operation.

Really glad you clarified that Iggi, my mind was boggling!!

I'm scared. My Ddil gave birth by ecs yesterday and is going home tomorrow. I am going to visit on friday.

In my defence I live a 6hr drive away and as my DH will be driving up for work anyway it makes sense to combine the visit. I will take champagne, chocolates and lunch, which I will make myself together with any other drinks. I will not expect to be waited on. I will also get some shopping in and will probably stay for about an hour.

I was invited.

AIBU?

Read my posts happy mum. I wasn't the last one to see my grandson in fact I saw him before my dil did. It's the kind of mil you are that makes the relationship. Don't generalise. That's not fair on lovely girls like my dil who treats me like a mum.

Rissoles mazel tov and enjoy!!!

Carruthers

of course the father is an equal parent but I meant it in the sense that it is her child not the mils and therefore her decision. I didn't think that needed explaining let alone be considered strange.

rissoles doesn't sound like it! Congrats

I'm not really sure why the posters who don't want to have to deal with visitors (not overnight guests) can't just go and have a rest upstairs when they're due to come. Dh can take the baby off your hands for a bit and take him/her downstairs to show off to guests. He can be the one to make them cups of tea if he doesn't have the guts to tell them to make their own. Give him strict instructions to tell them you're having a much-needed sleep so don't want to be disturbed. And to chuck them out after an hour.

Then everyone gets to have things relatively their own way. Mums don't have to deal with visitors plus gets some rest, pils get to meet their grandchildren, dh gets to show his newborn off, baby gets lots of cuddles.

The easy solution, Curly. I can't see the problem- leave it all to DH.

Because we don't all live in houses with an upper floor to hide in? Because some guests stay for hours, and you might want to see/feed your baby in that time? Because some visitors complain about the state of the house/talk about how bad (fat) you look? Because some dhs just won't cooperate with your plans?

I think that's the way to go Curly. It sounds like an ecellent 'everyone's happy' plan. Also, with both sets of GP there, there will be plenty of opportunity to make a HUGE fuss of DC1

My MIL and mum were invited the same day and arrived about the same time. No control issues. Everyone was lovely, helpful and kind. I was still pretty keen for them all to leave sooner rather than later! I was too tired to be around people, I wanted space to breastfeed, my emotions were everywhere. I liked having visitors but I wanted their visits to be short. I think any new mother has a right to peace and quiet after the birth and if her visitors won't respect that, they shouldn't expect an invite. If it happens to be the OP's MIL who will cause stress, the OP has a right to try to minimise that.

I don't see how it is weird to want to see a grandchild when you are all excited. You make it sound like a possession, Sock

the bottom line is if your not the mum or dad then it is not your baby. It's equally as lovely to see a baby that's 2/3 days old or even a week old as it is to see one that's a few hours old.

I would say it was much nicer because after a few days when you have been invited your clearly wanted and not making anybody uncomfortable either emotionally or physically.

If the new mum is happy and quite comfortable after a few hours then great but if she's not then getting all upset or feeling pushed out and being dramatic for the sake of a couple of days is most certainly wankerish weird behaviour.

And I quite deliberately say new mum and not new parents because the mum is the one whose comfort levels need to be accommodated after all she's the only one who has physically given birth.

What difference do a small amount of days actually matter to anybody when it comes to welcoming a new baby, it does not matter to the baby it's not as if they care about socialising,your not going to miss anything at least not anything that you have the right to witness.

There comes a time in everybody's life when they are done with having their own children often their children have children of their own,no matter how much you love them or want to recapture those precious moments makes no difference. They are no longer your moments.those moments belong to the parents,often the most considerate thing is standing back and smiling to yourself because you know that your child is having the same experience you had.

That's the main job when being a parent getting them to a point where you can stand back.

She's not asking for weeks she's asking for a few days,if those few days are important for her comfort your excitement does not matter.

rissoles no you sound lovely! i am sure the champagne etc wil be much appreciated. you sound very thoughtful.

curly for me our bathroom.was downstairs so i didnt want to be upstairs in bed. i just wanted to relax on the sofa with my nrw baby.

as it was with ds1 my mil and dps aunt and partner(whoi had met once befire) arrived when i was still in hospital afyer a three day labour, bedbound by spd and trying to bfeed.

my parents waited til i got home.

ds2 my mil looked after ds1 and so came to hospital after birth. stayed a day was lovely.
dps aunt and her partner tutnef up the day i wasdischargef, stayed for days with dog thst i am aallergic to.

My bet is it is all a control issue and OP doesn't want anyone else holding her baby or being in her kitchen etc when she isn't there and MIL wants to see her grandchild and since the father is her son she should be able to come and go as she wants. If everyone is laid back and relaxed you don't get these problems.

My DB and SIL held my parents in law at arms length after their first child. Two weeks wait and all that. I saw how much it hurt my parents and did wonder how much harm a ten min visit would have made. My parents are perfectly lovely sane people. They could rationalise and understand what my DB was saying about them wanting space with their new child, but I think they were taken aback by the way they felt in the weeks after the birth.

I had MIL and my parents down straight after both my dcs were born. DC1, awful hospital birth, everyone stayed for about half an hour. DC2, lovely home birth, MIL came for an hour, DM and DF a bit longer, but even they didn't stay for more than a couple of hours. Everyone felt wanted and included. And then job done, we had all the time we needed afterwards.

No one needs to have visitors if they don't want them, and not wanting them a day or two after major surgery with a newborn and an older child sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

I don't get the urging to 'get it over with' while still in hospital - the only things you need to 'get it over with' about in life as far as I am concerned are unpleasant absolute necessities like tax returns and dental checkups. Visitors in the immediate post-natal period are not mandatory.

Neither my parents nor my partner's met our baby (also CS) for three weeks after he was born. Having a newborn and trying to get breastfeeding established seemed like quite enough to be going on with..