To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

[floppops]

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP, YANBU to feel the way you do. I actually like my MIL but she has done some ridiculous things over the years, including after our baby was born. And I mean utterly ridiculous, infuriating (to me) and upsetting too. I'll not go into details for fear of the militant pro-mil brigade swoop like vulchers on my princessy protests. At the moment, I cannot forget what she did, but I'm working on patching this relationship for the sake of DH and DD and ultimately she was coming from a caring place. Plus I am not her priority - her son and GD are. I digress. I think for the sake of your family and your new baby you should arrange a short visit, even just 20 minutes, for the sake of everyone. So she can say she's seen the baby, have a photo and a cuppa and then leave. She'll feel included this way. But if it's going to cause you lots and lots of grief, simply say no and stick to the weekend. It is up to you because you are the person in hospital with a new baby to care for. Make sure you give clear instructions to your husband as to what you feel is reasonable and what your expectations are. Such as times and directions etc

Remember it is a very happy occasion and it's lovely to be able to share wonderful events together, it doesn't happen very often. I do feel for you though. I just think a short hospital visit is the diplomatic way forward. Plus this makes you the bigger person and you won't have to explain to your DC why granny always makes snide comments about not visiting them in hospital.

I'm slightly tired of the 'all MNetters are MIL haters and are competing and are pulling rank'. Some MILs do some truly dickish things and others are lovely. MN is an anonymous place for people to vent and seek advice and to ask for help. So, yes there will be frank conversations on here and some that would seem very trivial and petty to others. Perhaps not to the person dealing with it though. And others forget that you are incredibly vulnerable after giving birth and just need some space. So no. Not all MILs should be welcomed with open arms as they take the piss. Some should be tolerated as they are just excited GMs who are caught up in the moment and do / say stupid things. Others are desperate not to offend and still get it worse. And if yours makes you tea and cleans your house - worship at her altar! And I'm very of you

Peace. Oh and best of luck OP

YANBU

My DH did the opposite to yours and put both all grandparents backs up by telling them I'd had a hellish birth with our first and he didn't want anyone turning up and stressing me out for at least a week. I knew none of this! They did all come to the hospital where visiting time is limited and the amount of visitors meant they all stayed for a v short time each. Then we went home ourselves and had some time alone with our PFB.

I still think if you are not comfortable around your MIL, if she has a detrimental effect on your stress levels (and your DH's), get it over and done with. Give her an hour then wheel the baby to the bathroom and have a nice shower.
Some people are relaxing and wonderful and helpful just after birth, others are not. But both grandmothers will want to see the baby fairly soon. Why spoil your first days at home with phone calls and fussing and leave it open for 'just another glass of wine' etc.
Put the person who will bring you stress into the same box as all the other things that will stress you, such as 'lift your nightie let's look at the wound', 'let's get that catheter out now', 'have you moved your bowels'.
Go home, have a cup of tea with your Mum and give her an hour then lock yourselves in and don't open the door till the following week.

My husband was so proud to show his parents our new borns. I wouldn't have denied him that for the world. Putting aside the true mil from hell most of them are just women eager to see their grandchild and I find some of the attitudes on here unbelievably mean.

Yes your MIL was a bit overbearing there after your first born! And your DH was complicit in that. Don't like his attitude to you - he should be right behind you.

I don't see how it is weird to want to see a grandchild when you are all excited. You make it sound like a possession, Sock, and a random stranger!

I don't think he should be right behind a mean attitude. He is all excited- why would he want to keep his mother away, she is bound to be the first person he wants to see the baby!

YANBU I'm with you on this one , I think if it's what you want then you should have a bit of me time with just you dh new baby and your other little one. Dh needs to grow a pair and tell mil your plans, she will have plenty of time to see the baby when your ready

are all.these mils so eager to see their grandchild so overcome by that excitement that they cant stop and think how the new mother may be feeling? fgs the op is asking for a few days! the baby wont even be a week old!

i so hope when i am a mil i am.not so eager to see my grandchildren that i forget about my dil and how she feels.

if you have a good relationship and are considerate ie dont overstay or dont expect to be waited on and perhaps are helpful i with food/drink etc great.

but some visitors are not and want looking after themselves.

makes mental note to rember to visit when convenient and go with nice chocolates and treats for dil who has just given birth! and follow her lead and help as necessary. ie cups of tea and snacks etc, letting her rest and snuggle the baby!

Ignore them saucy jack. You forgot that on MN you're not allowed to just get on with things at a pace that suits you because someone, somewhere, might have found it a bit harder and thus resents it. Personally I am really hoping to be like you after my cs!

Op yanbu but I agree with previous posters that suggest that in hospital at least you can prime the midwives to boot her out after twenty minutes or so. So I would suggest doing that. I hope, for your sake, that your dp is nicer to you this time around, but I think you'll find the hospital staff easy to get on side about visitors!

no its not wierd to be excited...it is rude to let that excitement mean you ride roughshod over your dil feelings when she has just given birth and is likely feeling tender and vulnerable.

"she is bound to be the first person he wants to see the baby!"

Which of course would be fine if she didn't stress him out causing him to take it out on OP!

But as the patient, shouldn't OP get the say on who visits her?

But of course that's often the thing-people don't want to visit the patient, just see the baby!

That's it exactly. I can tell/ask my mum what I'd prefer to happen and on the whole she'll respect my wishes. I can't ask DH to tell/ask his mother as he refuses. I am now thinking I should go directly to MIL with my wishes and hope she listens. But in the past that hasn't always worked as she will just work on DH till I give in to whatever arrangement.

Tamer, why should his mother's feelings override his wife's? And plus he gets stressed out and behaves like a twat towards his wife when she has just given birth.

its marvellous that saucy felt fine after her births and up to visitors etc. i was like that afyer ds3 born on 23rd, home within four hours and friends dropped round the next day.

but it depends on lots of thinhs and many new mums dont feel up to visitors straight away and that should be respected.

Letsfacethemusicanddance

Funny you should say that. I have often wondered how many threads there are in AIBU about my mother! I've personally only ever done one, because as she is my my mother I'd had years of experience of her and got a handle on her behaviour by the time I had children. If she was my husband's mother, there'd be hundreds of them as I'd have no idea how to cope and I'd be trying to work out how.

And no, I didn't allow my mother to visit me in hospital. I realised back when I was 13 that being able to make my own choices about pain-relief would not be compatible with my mother's opinionated diatribes about natural childbirth. (Actual quote: "pethidine should be banned".)

My theory is that women who get all mean about who sees the baby,and police visitors, become difficult MIL in their turn.
It is only on MN that I come across it. In RL a baby is a joy to be shared, particularly among close family. The mother and MIL are not visitors who need to be entertained, they are family who show consideration and get stuck in helping.
I have to say it is only on MN that I come across these horrific MIL who are only interested in the baby and not the mother of the baby!

This is one of those things that I think I'd rather get over with. If MIL, or any visitor, is a nightmare I think biting the bullet is better than dreading it all week.

I'd stay in my PJs as I think when you're up and dressed people assume you're feeling better than you really are. I'd not have any booze in the house if that's a problem. Offer tea, a biscuit and a cuddle then after a couple of hours I'd excuse the baby and myself for a skin to skin feed and a nap!

Finally, I'd tell my husband to either support me and what's best for our family or go home with his mummy!!

The father of a newborn might be an equal parent shortly after the baby is born - but he fucking isn't while the baby is BEING born! It's not HIM giving birth, it's not HIM doing all the hard work and being in pain, is it?
No!
So at the time of the birth and immediately afterwards, there really is only ONE person who matters in decisions and that's the new mother.

People who can't get their heads around that are a bit weird, IMO.

OP - YANBU. Your DH sounds like he behaved like a massive wanker last time, thanks to his inability to control his reactions to his mother - can't see that it's going to be any different for you this time around and it would be unpleasant for you to have him repeat that behaviour.
Perhaps you could phrase your response to him along the lines of "your mother can come if you can control your reactions to her and refrain from behaving like a massive wanker, you know, like you did last time".
(although, frankly, if you want a couple of days without her, that's down to you. She could still come to the hospital and he could take the baby to see her so she could get her Viewing in, without inconveniencing you in any way).

My MIL is one of the good ones, in general. Didn't stop me wanting to scream sometimes when she had hold of DS1 (she stayed with us for 6w, 1 prior to his birth and 5 after); nor wanting to do something truly horrible to DH when he said things like:
"I wish you'd make more effort to entertain Mum" (Fuck OFF!)
"Mum doesn't mind if you breastfeed in front of her" (no but I do and frankly that's more important!)

Anyway. Your DH is the one who needs to sort himself out, and I hope you can get that through to him before the baby is born. Good luck!

Ha ha ha ha ha of course what the dh and mil wants is the only thing that matters!

Not the fact there is a woman that's got staples holding her guts in!! Jesus do you DILs not know you are only vessels for MILs precious >> DGC.......

ha do you want to know what happened with our first.

i had forceps delivery and 3rd degree cut. yet i was dragged out the house less then 24 hrs after giving birth to sit on a hard chair in a pub, because they needed food.

they didnt even pay for our meal ha

tamer I can assure in RL my mil is a pain in the arse.

mummy

HomeIsWhereTheGin

Ignore them saucy jack. You forgot that on MN you're not allowed to just get on with things at a pace that suits you because someone, somewhere, might have found it a bit harder and thus resents it. Personally I am really hoping to be like you after my cs!

You are allowed to have a good recovery. But if you are smug about it to people who do not share your good fortune, you will be called on this fuckwitted behaviour. If you imply or state that someone else's pain is somehow a moral failing, or didn't really exist, you will be called on it. Whoop de doo.