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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 18:42

Tamer, that is a ridiculous thing to say. OP just wants some peace and to have some time to recover before her mil descends and her 'd'h starts blaming her for his stress. Not everyone's in laws/parents are lovely and helpful you know?

5madthings · 04/02/2014 18:43

was crap! my parents waited afre days.

ds3 my dad looked after 1&2 and was at home when we were discharged so daw him.

my mil came uo a frw days later as did my parents.

the aunt and partner wre asked to wait a few days and so didnt visit for 6wks...

ds4 my mil visited within a few days and then my parents. aunt and partner again a few weeks later..their chouce.

dd my mum saw her in hospital as she looked after othet 4. mil a few days later and then both my parents.

aunt and partner a few weeks later.

we did what we wantedfor no 3, 4 and 5. it was fine.

Mineisthefinalword · 04/02/2014 18:44

There comes a time in everybody's life when they are done with having their own children often their children have children of their own,no matter how much you love them or want to recapture those precious moments makes no difference. They are no longer your moments.those moments belong to the parents,often the most considerate thing is standing back and smiling

Again Pixie I ask....are you a grandparent? I am not disagreeing with the logistics of what you are saying and of course post birth the physical needs of the mother and baby are absolutely paramount, but I promise you that when you are a grandparent the thing about not wanting to see a grandchild in the very first moments will come back to bite you on the bum...and you will be glad they did!

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 18:44

Curly I didn't want my baby 'taken off my hands' for a bit. I wanted to keep him with me and have my own peaceful space to rest and adjust. I was really happy to see family and have my baby welcomed but any suggestion that someone might 'give me a break' by taking my baby had me bristling. And it sounds like the stress for the OP comes before the MIL's arrival with the multiple phone calls causing lots of tension.

tyaca · 04/02/2014 18:45

Yes, but half an hour of my time had such a huge impact. It set a tone, I guess and said you are DH's mum, you are important to him, me and our new child.

HamletsSister · 04/02/2014 18:46

What about suggesting your MiL goes to your house and comes with your Mum and first child to see the baby. That way, she can leave the car at your house (no parking issues) and time can be limited by your Mum and the needs of your first child?

MauriceMinor · 04/02/2014 18:48

These threads depress me. Dread being shut out when my DS has a family of his own one day. Whoever said it's control is damn right. I've caught myself doing if with my MIL on occasion and have to pull myself up on it.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 18:49

I'm just taking a wild stab in the dark here Pixie, and I am guessing you are not a grandparent. Am I right?

No your not right

BeeInYourBonnet · 04/02/2014 18:49

Reading this thread, I feel like I was alone in wanting family members to share in our joy. I couldn't wait for DPs and DILs to meet our pfb ( and my DPs pfg). They were so pleased and it was lovely (although I wouldn't have wanted them to stay all day!). However, unlike OP, I trust my DH to put my needs first, and get everyone to clear off before outstaying their welcome.

wishful75 · 04/02/2014 18:49

A woman who has just given birth and had major surgery shouldn't have to justify her choices about having visitors in her own home.

if the op doesn't want to deal with visitors that is entirely her perogative.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/02/2014 18:50

I am all for seeing who I want when I want - I don't care what the relationship is, I don't care how unpopular that is either. However - your MILs visit doesn't sound stressful, a flying visit to get a pic with the new born doesn't seem stressful at all in fact - your DH being a total selfish stressy arsehole on the other hand... I would be more worried about a DH who went off at me at all, let alone just after birth than I would be anything else! Your MIL isn't the issue!

BrandNewIggi · 04/02/2014 18:51

Tamer did you read the OP? What a strange post.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 18:51

Tamer are you joking? I don't want anyone else holding my baby..please what nonsense. With my DD both grandmas held her for ages hours after she was born. I had no problem with that just the getting pissed on the sofa whilst I had to stand about collecting glasses etc hours after PPH.

OP posts:
Mineisthefinalword · 04/02/2014 18:51

No you're not right

(sorry even when I'm cutting and pasting I can't let a wrong your/you're stand!)

Well.....bugger me is all I can say. And vive la difference!

SauvignonBlanche · 04/02/2014 18:52

Ignore them saucy jack......Personally I am really hoping to be like you after my cs!

Shopping with 2 DC's 2 days after major abdominal surgery - yeah right, good luck with that.Hmm

Lavenderhoney · 04/02/2014 18:53

Hospital might be easier as its all controlled. Depends on how you will feel after major surgery, not being able to walk and a newborn to look after.

Its not about her, anyway. Your dh sounds a bit of a knob, tbh. Why don't you let him look after your dc at home and ask your dm to come to the cs?

Then your dh can field calls, and come to the hospital afterwards. He sounds like he won't be much help. And he will have to turn off his phone in hospital. She can follow the signs as I presume its signposted and park where it says " car park" how hard can that be?

Not all mil are lovely. Lucky you if they are.

TamerB · 04/02/2014 18:54

It isn't ridiculous, YouTheCat. OP simply goes to bed, leaves DH to organise visitors and show off the baby. My guess is this wouldn't suit because it is a control issue - as is MIL.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 18:54

I usually hate the mil bashing that goes on on mn, but in this instance the op is right.

It's not just about a grandmother seeing her grandchild for the first time. It is about a woman due to have a baby in a few weeks time who is stressing about a visit from another person (in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter who the visitor is, dm, dmil or the sodding pope!)

It's about a visitor who thinks her needs are higher than that of someone who has just had major surgery.

It is about a husband who has no backbone and refuses to stand up to his mother and support his wife who is about to undergo major surgery.

How can anyone who says the op is being unreasonable not see that?

BeeInYourBonnet · 04/02/2014 18:54

What was your DH doing whilst you were collecting glasses OP? He sounds a bit useless.

TamerB · 04/02/2014 18:56

I wasn't intending them to have the baby for the day!! DH only has to take her down for 10 mins and yes I have read OP or I wouldn't be replying. Hmm

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 18:57

People saying this thread depresses them as a future MIL - do you intend to make multiple stressy phone calls on the arrival of your gc and then as OP has stated, get pissed on the sofa expecting your DIL to clean up after you? Because if you plan to be reasonable and considerate, I am sure you will be welcome. It's not about this woman being a MIL, it's about her being an unreasonable and inconsiderate guest!

TheBigJessie · 04/02/2014 19:01

jellyandcake I presume they are. Perhaps they got their copy of How to make Friends and Influence People mixed up with How to make Enemies and Alienate People?

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 19:01

happy I wouldn't say it was a control thing! I'd rather say it's an indication on how the MIL is perceived - ether a help or hindrance.

I moved in with my first mil when I had dd1, ex mil was wonderful and really looked after us both. I missed it this second time round.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 19:03

There is no argument about the capabilities of my DH being hugely limited. That I cannot change at least not in the next few weeks. All I can do is change my behaviour to make things tolerable for me.
Of course he's an idiot to not stand up to his mum, to put his family's wishes before mine , his child or his own, for stressing about it all and for stressing at me even after birth. I know that. If anyone knows how to magically change that instantly please do share. I have my reasons to be with him and they are not the issue right now. I cannot just say such and such to him and he'll do it. Doesn't work-he refuses.

OP posts:
FlockOfTwats · 04/02/2014 19:03

I'm with sock.

My dad didn't see either of my sons for a good while (hes a two hour drive from me) and nor did OHs parents (also a two hour drive). No one was upset, just how it is.

If someone feels shit abd doesn't want to see you i think you'd have to be a shitty person to impose yourself on them for any reason.

My best friends brother invited me round to see her and her new baby 3 HOURS after shed given birth, without even asking her (Obviously, i told him no, i would wait for an invite from HER and threatened painful consequences if he invited anyone else without her consent!)

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