Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
TamerB · 04/02/2014 17:09

It is up to DH, if he wants her to visit he can take charge, give her jobs to do.
The problem seems to be that MIL and DIL have not sorted out their relationship, she is treating her like a visitor. When she comes immediately detail her with a job! Or get DH to organise her.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/02/2014 17:10

I'm definitely not commenting on your situatio OP but this stuff does make me think....

There are far far more negative threads/comments about MiLs on MN than there are about DMs.

That means that either the women who are MiLs are somehow more difficult people as general notion or that the MiL/DiL relationship is the issue, which I think is far more likely. Mothers of men are no more likely than mothers of women to be an awkward group.

I think the idea of 2 women 'competing' for who will have more importance in a grown man's life is sad really. I think it's a lot about pulling rank and being queen bee.

It's unnecessary though, surely, because in healthy relationships any notion of 'competition' is pointless. Why would a MiL not love the woman her son chooses and with whom he is happy? And why would a DW not love the woman who has nurtured and shaped the man that she loves?

I just hope beyond hope that my sons find partners - of either gender - who have filled their boots on as much love as they could possibly need as children so that they understand that love isn't a finite resource.

It's a shame that MiL/DiL relationships can descend into 'he's mine - no he's mine'. They are different relationships. This is understood when it's a woman and her mother so why not when it's a man and his mother?

And all the 'she said...she did this ... she did that' on either side? Well what good does that do?

I think it's sad.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 17:11

apoco you clearly have never met my MIL then.

She likes to be treated as dp 'other wife' . Yes indeed it takes two to form a relationship but one one acts like the scorned woman relationships can sour some what.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 17:11

She just wants to see her new grandchild.

She doesn't want to assist in the cutting open of the Ops guts.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 17:13

sented women didn't/ wasn't really allowed an opinion back then did they?

TamerB · 04/02/2014 17:14

I find it very sad too, LetsFaceTheMusic, not to mention depressing.

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 17:16

You know I'd prefer my mother not to be involved for a few days too but we have a DD and I need someone to look after her and she is the best person to do that. So if it's a contest between the grandmas both are on a par with stresseyness but my mother lives near by, knows my daughter better and will respect my wishes.

OP posts:
nennypops · 04/02/2014 17:16

Can you (a) sabotage DH's phone just before going into hospital and (b) tell him that if he tries to offload any MIL-induced stress on you even once you will be calling the nurses to get him chucked out?

Scrounger · 04/02/2014 17:18

Letsface it sounds so simple when put like that, I speak as someone who has a lovely MIL. However stuff gets in the way and it can be difficult to lift up your head and see the overall picture.

I have no problems with my MIL, I do however have problems with my SIL. We used to get on but stuff happened and now I feel that I have to have strict boundaries with her. I can quite see how that can happen with other relationships be they MIL, DM, DF, DFIL etc.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 17:19

So why is it such a big deal to wait a couple of days?

Inertia · 04/02/2014 17:22

The thing that always annoys me on these threads is the way the mother of the newborn is treated as some kind of inanimate object whose health and welfare no longer matter once their grandchild delivery role has been completed. In amongst all the bleating about equal viewing rights for grandparents people lose sight of the fact that a very sore, exhausted, bleeding, leaking, post partum/post-operative hospital patient has just delivered a baby and might appreciate a bit of consideration.

Mintyy · 04/02/2014 17:22

I think its really sad if grandparents (and yes, I even include inlaws in that) don't get to see their grandchildren when they are tiny. A 2 week old baby has already changed enormously since birth. Why not invite her to visit you in hospital? That 2-day turnaround sounds terribly short, btw.

If she won't come to the hospital then welcome her for the same sort of visit as last time (2 hours).

Btw, what sort of "help" did you want her to give you went she visited after the birth of your first? Your dh was there and the baby was a day old. Surely you hadn't fallen behind with the housework in that time?

ilovechips · 04/02/2014 17:23

Just a thought...if it were the MIL doing the childcare and not the DM, would the DM be similarly not wanted until a few days later? (I have no axe to grind here, I'm not a MIL, just genuinely curious - MILs seems to get a much harder time on Mn!)

Mintyy · 04/02/2014 17:24

And I agree with LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance too.

TamerB · 04/02/2014 17:24

The problem with these threads are that the DIL and MIL have never worked out their own relationship, apart from the DH.

5madthings · 04/02/2014 17:24

exactly inertia and god i hope i remember that when i become a grandmother!

and yes of course i will be excited to see the baby but i hope i remember and have consideration for the new mother! she is the one who has just given birth and her health and wellbeing and feelings should be paramount.

remotecontrols · 04/02/2014 17:30

Really, the issue is DH not MIL as lots have said

The last minute fuss can be solved easily. Tell your DH to tell his mum to get a taxi and he will pay for it. He can print all the visiting hours in advance and give her a dozen copies.

Problem solved Grin

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 17:30

I had fallen behind with housework - we were up all night for two nights previous to the birth with false starts to labour, then I started vomiting just as our water got cut off due to a neighbour's burst pipe and then I was in hospital for nearly a week with dh staying with me most of the time but going home to quickly dump dirty laundry and grab supplies. Our house was a tip! So MIL's help was very welcome!

Anyway, after giving birth you are exhausted and emotional and don't need anyone present who will be difficult or inconsiderate. That might be a mother, a MILor someone else but I think the person who is in the most vulnerable state should get to choose who she has in her home. And I say this as the mother of sons in the full knowledge that I may be a MIL myself one day.

5madthings · 04/02/2014 17:31

surely you hadnt fallen behind with the housework ff you mean THEY?! or maybe she had had a difficult preg and not got much done in the last few weeks? or had been in hospital for days?

for us it was just rhe fact we had a newborn who didnt sleep and it was hard enough gettin to grips with feeding etc and the general chaos that was life with a newborn for the first time. (funny how much easier it is subsequently). so pkaying host and having to provide food, drink and lodgings and the asociated etc work was too much.

have to say my mil is now fab, i had ds1 vety early in my relationship with dp so that made it harder but now she is great, will help out etc. but at first we didnt know each other well enough to be relaxed in each others company.

and it was also mor dps aunt who was a pita with visiting. she is like another grandmother to the children tbh. fine now tho she still has her moments and she means well but doesnt always stop and think about the needs of others.

SaucyJack · 04/02/2014 17:33

Are you usually such a giant twat saucy?

Fortunately for my MIL who'll be wanting to meet her new granddaughter when I birth DC3 at the end of the month....... No (!)

Not to mention the fact that my DP might actually want to have in say in when his daughter meets his parents.

basgetti · 04/02/2014 17:35

What Inertia said.

YANBU.

diddl · 04/02/2014 17:36

OP, will your mum be visiting you in hospital with your daughter?

Presumably she will be going home when you arrive home with baby?

In which case, if you want time as a family, it might be better if your MIL visits in hospital.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 17:42

I can't get my head around it being so important to see a baby that is not yours with in hours.

Very weird behaviour.

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 17:45

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance - it could be not that the DM's aren't hard work (mine certainly is!) but in dealing with them, you don't need to factor in your DH/P's feelings.

When I had DC2, I just managed (as much as I could) my mum myself, DH just went along with it, it wasn't him saying "but it's my mum you need to be fair with your mum" he didn't see a problem that the easy grandmother (his mother) got to see DC2 24 hours before hard work grandmother (my mum) because it didn't bother him.

I didn't feel the need to start a thread about limiting my mum's visiting post birth, because I'd worked out how to do it and I didn't need to talk about DH's reaction to it. In this case, the OP has worked out a way to manage the hard work grandmother, but she can't do that as it'll upset her DH, so has to deal with both of them. I don't believe if it was her mum acting in the same way, her DH would have got stressed and upset by it.

Joules68 · 04/02/2014 17:45

Op I'm assuming you will be upstairs in bed when discharged?

If so your DH can bring the baby down for MIL to meet.... You dont need to see any visitors as you'll be 'asleep'