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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 21:27

And the other way. When MIL was unwell, I said that whoever she wanted to see, should see her whenever, if she wanted time with just DH and the girls ie her own family then that was fine. Whatever she wanted. It was up to her.

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 21:29

Oi Mishmash - having a dig, much more mil like Wink

There's nothing more i can say. I don't agree with you. I agree with Harold. Nothing more i can say really...

TheBigJessie · 04/02/2014 21:30

No, it's not like "normal" surgery- it's worse. There's hormonal stuff all over the place and you aren't allowed to recover in peace and quiet, and hardly anyone seems to care about you.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:34

Then you have 3 plus years of sleep deprivation to boot.

LeepyTime · 04/02/2014 21:36

I totally agree with Nice Tabard, obviously after I have just had a baby and am exhausted and weepy, in pain, bleeding etc, I want my own mother/sisters to be there and to tell the whole birth story to, as they will comfort me and know me and I feel cosy with them. Obviously they will be glad to see the baby too, but the main thing is to see me and how I am after such a life-changing experience. They will see the baby for the rest of its life. On the other hand, the MIL is mostly there to see the baby and we have to make chit chat and it is JUST NOT THE SAME as having your own mother there, I am sorry I don't understand how people can say, well if your mummy visits on day 1, then MIL has to also. They are just totally missing the point. You can say to your own family, I really am too tired and they will leave after 5 minutes (which mine did) whereas you won't be able to say that to MIL and they will feel like they have to stay for a decent length of time (2 hours) when really I am trying to breast feed for the first time in front them and feel totally awkward and embarrassed and stressed every time the baby squeaks in case I have to try to feed again ! And I actually love my MIL but just not straight after giving birth. Well that's my tuppence worth!

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:38

Maybe leepy people should be treating them more like that and asking then to leave if they are tired, and then it wouldn't feel like such hard work.

mysister · 04/02/2014 21:38

M

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:41

Its her sons child too.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 21:43

Her son did not just have major surgery unless of course he did, if so he gets to decide whose visiting so soon post op.

mysister · 04/02/2014 21:44

I think yabu.she s only coming for a short while,drinking wine with ur H?good,so you are left alone,why standing around picking up glasses?go to bed!as others said the real problem is your H getting stressed,If you wont/cant deal with that no,try and give your Mil clear directions etc now about the hospital.
sock your baby is 14 weeks and you didn't let family visit yet??very precious.the same people keeping family away will then complain of not having "support" and on-call baby sitters,and they wonder why!!!

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:45

She's not allowed to see her son then?

Ok fair enough.

OneStepForwardTwoBack · 04/02/2014 21:46

Pity people don't start with what the baby wants on day 1 of - the baby wants mum, and dad should protect them. Mum should see who she needs to see to recover and bond a bit with baby. Most probably, not always, she wants her mum. Yes it must hurt a bit when you are the paternal grandma, but surely to be big and gracious about it will pay dividends in the future. The baby will never remember which granny it saw first. I have two sons btw.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:48

Yes always remember you are 2nd best.

Know your place MILs.

purplebaubles · 04/02/2014 21:48

Totally agree with Leepy above.

It is different, wanting your own mum there immediately but not necessarily your MIL.

MIL ruined the birth of our first child for me, and it certainly not bloody welcome at the birth of our second child! Incidently, am expecting a boy second time round so hopefully some time long in the future, I will be a MIL. And as a MIL, I would not be demanding to see my grandchild so soon. I would respect the wishes of the mother (who is not my child, and who has possibly gone through a rather traumatic birth!) and I would wait my turn to see the baby!

3 days post labour for me, episiotomy/forceps delivery, in agony, could barely sit down, struggling to breastfeed - MIL snatched our 5lb baby off me, didn't even ask if I was ok, and took DD out of the house! Disappeared for a few hours!!

Obviously, not all MILs are the same, but it is different for the mother of the mother iykwim. Especially as a first time mum.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 21:50

Remarkable lack of concern for post-operative people on this thread Confused

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:50

Well that's clearly outrageous behaviour and warrants your response.

What on earth was she thinking?

wishful75 · 04/02/2014 21:51

That's an excellent point one step. The baby's needs sbould always be first in this sort of situation and in the early days what he/she needs is a comfortable, unstressed, healthy and well rested mother. Gavel lol.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:52

End of

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 21:54

Disappeared for a few hours with your newborn? Blimey, that is the mil from hell.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 21:54

Have you detonated a bomb Harold?

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:56

The OPs mil is not planning on running off with her grandchild though.

She wants to visit for a couple of hours and drink wine

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 21:57

sock your baby is 14 weeks and you didn't let family visit yet??very precious.the same people keeping family away will then complain of not having "support" and on-call baby sitters,and they wonder why

My family are more than welcome to visit,unfortunately my mother is incredibly sick at the moment and has been for a few months her husband is looking after her my brother is looking after her business so it does not go down the pan as well as keeping up with his job and they all live at the other end of the country.

And in 21 years I have never wanted a on call baby sitter or any support that I did not pay for.

I am however going to visit them in the next few week as soon as she feels well enough to cope with all the children. But thanks for assuming I was not allowing it.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:57

She would need directions to run off with the baby...

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 21:57

..and may need a few directions to the hospital...

YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 21:58

It's not even a matter of anyone 'being allowed' though. It is what is best for mother and baby and that people should have a bit of respect instead of imposing themselves on others.

There are plenty of examples on this thread of perfectly reasonable behaviour from mils who step back, communicate with their dils and behave like decent human beings. I don't think the dh or mil in this situation are behaving with the OP or her baby's best interests at heart.

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