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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 21:02

She did not say anything that even came close to them being second class citizens.

She just said they had not seen her desperate for a shit.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 21:03

So people say that women who are post-surgical, high as a kite, catheterised, trying to get to grips with BF and in lots of pain, should have to see people they don't want to?

The reason my parents came was to give DH a break and check I was OK after surgery. They are used to looking after me - they are my parents.

I don't want to have to try to make conversation with me in-laws when there is a piss bag by the bed, I'm on opium, bleeding heavily, trying to get to grips with BF and so on.

Really there are others who don't think that a woman should be allowed to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible in that situation?

I am honestly surprised. That seems, well, a bit odd TBH.

pictish · 04/02/2014 21:05

I am nodding along with Harold here.

As usual MN gets its collective knickers in a self righteous knot over absolutely nothing.

The dh wanting his mum to visit his new baby makes him a mummy's boy.
The mil phoning her son and asking for directions is causing undue stress on a vulnerable woman.
Sharing a bottle of wine to celebrate is a selfish piss up.
The paternal grandmother wanting to visit the new baby in hospital is an unreasonable demand.

Just listen to yourselves.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 21:05

Some of my friends had their mothers or sisters at the birth with them.

On the basis of this thread, if their MIL / SIL had wanted to be there they should be allowed as it's only fair?

IamInvisible · 04/02/2014 21:06

I must be really odd because I wanted MIL to visit in preference over my mother! Unfortunately MIL wasn't able to, so I had to listen to my mother tell me I had failed because I had had an epidural after 24hours of contractions every 5 minutes and then needed a ventouse! MIL would have plumped pillows, made me drinks, helped me shower etc.

I don't think it is too much to ask for your MIL to visit the hospital for a couple of hours to see the new baby. Or maybe she could come to your house while your Dmum is still there looking after your DD. Your DD might like having someone else there for a couple of hours and you might welcome someone giving her a little bit of attention in the early days.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:06

If you don't want visitors just say so, fine,

The MIL in this scenario I am really struggling to see what she has done that is so wrong.

If OP says I'd rather you wait until the weekend and she starts running around with an axe then maybe. At the moment she is just trying to arrange when to see the baby.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 21:07

pictish

Your getting confused here, I think you mis read..

The mil phoning her son and asking for directions is causing undue stress on a vulnerable woman

The mother is making constant phone calls and bombarding him with questions and the son is getting stressed and taking it out on op.

.

BettyBotter · 04/02/2014 21:08

As the mother of sons this kind of discussion really saddens me.It's so true that there is a heirarchy of grandparents. Sad

On a practical note, pre-empt the stress by:1. telling MIL the shortened visiting hours and make it clear it will just be a short visit, 2. Give her detailed instructions of parking, maps and how to get to the ward now, plenty of time in advance. 3. Give her an easy task to do that will actually help you and allow her to feel needed e.g. bring a microwave meal for dh when he gets home, 4. Explain in advance that you don't know how you'll feel after the CS so you may need to ask all visitors to leave.

And 5, Enjoy her visit, enjoy her excitement and enjoy sharing your beautiful newborn with a doting granny. Good luck Smile

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:08

WHICH IS NOT HER FAULT.

It's HIS fault.

Boaty · 04/02/2014 21:09

For every loco MIL there will be a loco DIL, ...the difference is a generation...
I had 2 DS and 1 DD and I have 2 DGS by DS1
I was taxi home first time..dropped them off put the kettle on, made a cuppa and left. While she was pg with number 2 she kicked out my DS within days of making sure she had got pg
Second time her sister did the taxiing but then had her mother/sister/niece stay the day excluded my DS. We and DS saw the babe 3 weeks later...
Although a mother has right to say who she sees if a DD is close to her mother then her partners family, particularly if they have split, will come second. or further down the list
She has 2 DS now, she had better hope they pick someone without close mothers in 20 years or will find herself in my shoes! Wink
By the way, I try to be a good, considerate MIL been on here too long but I'm definitely viewed as unimportant in DGS lives compared to other granny. Sad but true.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 21:12

No there's a hierarchy of parents.

If I have surgery my parents are more worried than my in-laws.

If my DH has surgery, his parents are more worried about him than mine.

Because of the parent/child relationship.

If I have had surgery and am in a right state, I want to see my family as they have always looked after me, being my parents.

If DH had surgery and was in a right state, he would want to see his family as they have always looked after him.

Why are people pretending that this is abnormal?

When my children hurt themselves, they want me & my husband, that is normal, it really is.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:13

Well children learn from their family, I think it's important to teach them good ways.

And old colleague has a secret signal with her children to "get rid" of her very nice mum when they are bored of her after an hour or two on Boxing Day after letting her spend Christmas Day alone.

I wondered when she told me that would her children be doing that to her one day.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:14

Having a baby is not normal surgery, it's not like going to see their son after having his appendix out,

They want to see the baby that's all.

whatever5 · 04/02/2014 21:15

I didn't mind in laws or anyone else visiting. However, after suffering childbirth, I think that the mother should be able to choose who does and doesn't visit.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:15

Are your parents the better grandparents though?

ScentedScandal · 04/02/2014 21:16

I'm curious as to what the secret signal could beConfused

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:17

I think it was something like Oh! We have run out of pop.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:17

Do your parents have more right to see your children because you gave birth to them ?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 21:17

Your right, its not normal surgery, its surgery ....when your awake...have you had a section Harold?

Its quite surreal and strange...and its also, major surgery. Oh did I mention your awake during it...

Also, a woman, is flooded with hormones after having a baby and feels, delicate.

Not really in the right state to be shouted at or have extra stresses on her.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 21:18

They want to see the baby that's all

She was given the chance to see the baby the first time and it was a horrid experience for op, causing her stress and hence why she has posted today.

Perhaps if she had been more considerate and kinder last time, she would still be welcome, this time.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 21:20

They want to see the baby.

When I had DS, my mum wanted to know how I was doing. She wanted to see me.

To my in-laws I was just the gate way to their PFB grandson.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:20

Honesty will you stop pandering to this man, he was totally out of order shouting at OP last time and he and you have to take responsibility for his actions and stop blaming his mother.

I had post partum haemophilia for the record and almost bled to death from the episiotomy site after forming huge blood blisters which pulled it open, exposing more of my insides than I ever want to see again after just 2 paracetamol. So yes I do understand these things.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 21:22

But the MIL isn't allowed to want to see you, she's only allowed to see her son if he has surgery.

I give up.

Sorry OP this is all derailing your thread which was simply was it ok to let them come at the weekend and I think that is fine.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 21:24

After a CS I was catheterised with a piss bag hanging next to the bed, on an opium drip thing, unable to have a shower or anything so all padded up and bloody, in a lot of pain, and rather unwashed. I think this is the usual state to be in after a CS.

The other surgery I have bad has ranged from far easier to somewhat worse.

Not sure what "normal" surgery is TBH in this context Confused

Also this: "They want to see the baby that's all." Well yes and my own family want to see ME when I have just had an operation, to check I am OK and help look after me.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 21:25

bowler are you going to limp out now because not everyone agrees with you ? --- yep defo mil trick!

On this occasion the ops parents get more of a look in as they do mean more, they are her natural parents. Just like you would have more access to your son if he'd had major surgery . If he turned round and said " you know what, I feel shit, I just want my mum, no one else " you would be first guarding the door fir your precious son! You wouldn't give a shiny shit if his wifes parents were out side eager to have a little peek!

Sadley some mothers fail to let their sons go. They still see them as ten years old or that his wife has stolen him and it's a fucking contest for loyalty . Thats where the problem lies .

I'm not a mil hater. My first one was a diamond as I stated up thread.

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