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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:47

Leave the bastard.
Result: no lousy DP behaviours and no crappy MiL.
Gavel.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 20:47

I hardly think a bottle of wine between two people constitutes a 'piss up. Hmm

wishful75 · 04/02/2014 20:47

I hope to God I'm never as inconsiderate to a future dil as some are on here.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 20:47

You would put your son off just because you may be expected to wait 3 days to meet his baby?

FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:48

GAVEL.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:48

His fault YES her son, SHE put so much stress on him being needy and demanding he flipped out. Both un neccasary extras in the theatre of having a baby.

Then they both had some wine to calm down, dis regarding op.

Great.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 20:49

I will show her my grandmas treat cupboard, full of sweets and crisps.

That should have her running for the hills.

FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:49

My iPad battery is about to run out. Good luck with the birth OP.

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 20:50

Well, now I just really wish I had girls. At least I might be allowed to look after existing dgd and be allowed to have a little peak at the new baby....

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:50

Rain, are you for real?

Your excusing the behaviour of the partner because he took a few calls from someone flapping about directions?

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 20:51

HA, you would get trampledunderfoot in my effort to get to it and jump in,right now I would swop my own grandmother for a twix

squoosh · 04/02/2014 20:51

People on this thread are loco.

NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 20:52

I didn't want to see my in-laws when I was high as a kite, catheterised, trying to get to grips with BF and in lots of pain.

I was happy for my own family to see me in that state as they are my family, they raised me and have seen me in a lot of bad ways!

I don't understand why so many say there is no difference between your mother and your mother in law? Surely it's just obvious that they are not the same?

Anyway, our families all were fine with that, and understood perfectly well.

I don't think that someone in hospital post CS should be told who they have to see. I think that they should see who they feel up to seeing.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:53

No I am not excusing his behaviour at all but unless he has been to anger management classes since last time, I am not sure how his needy mother with her constant phone calls whilst her dil is in labour or having the op, is going to produce a different result.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:53

What so if your husband is a volatile knob you just tippy toe around him and avoid him getting overwrought? Ey?

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:54

What else are you going to pin on this woman? Global warming?

TheBigJessie · 04/02/2014 20:55

Erm, having daughters isn't a licence to be an overbearing self-centred wazzock either. Sure, she's more likely to be conditioned to put up with it, but some of us, some of us, well we do grow up to tell overbearing women to fuck off and then fuck off some more.

Smile
NiceTabard · 04/02/2014 20:56

Same as there is a difference between my dad and father in law, and my brother and my husband's siblings.

I dont' think it is abnormal to feel that way TBH.

Of course people have different relationships and stuff, but fundamentally you were raised by your own family, they have seen you through puberty, shared a house and a bathroom, for years, all that stuff, I think it counts for something really.

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 20:57

So her DPs relationship with his mother counts for nowt then?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:58

Well it is her son she has raised....

I would say, Harold, whatever issues her DH has, just at the time of a new life coming into this world, safely....is not the time to be risking out bursts.

I think, its best that op deals with her DH issues, a little down the line.

Or, perhaps you think, she should be talking him down whilst on the operating table, after yet another call from MIL...

OP wisely knows that stress is a trigger for her DH and that his mother causes him stress...she is trying to avoid this trigger..

simples...no? Confused

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 20:58

NiceTabard you've just confirmed my fears. Your DH parents are very much second class citizens in your family. Your parents come first. So much for posters saying considerate mils are fine. Doesn't work that way it seems.

Got to leave this thread now. Way too depressing.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:59

So her DPs relationship with his mother counts for nowt then?

Id say it counts for something....but whatever it counts for, Id say if that dynamic produces a stressed and shouting husband....it counts for less....on the day, and the days after the birth.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 20:59

When I had my eldest child it was normal to stay in hospital after for 8-10 days,husbands/partners were restricted to visiting at visiting hours on the post natal ward and other visitors were discouraged for the first 2 full days after delivery.

Many aspects of that were bliss

TheBigJessie · 04/02/2014 21:01

DP isn't giving birth. My MIL got in the room based on her relationship with me...

And I note that when my husband had an operation, he was pretty picky on who came to see him after surgery!

TrampledUnderfoot · 04/02/2014 21:01

On MN , MILs stop being someones mother and just become TheMIL.

Very depressing thread.