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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
fedupfedup · 04/02/2014 20:15

Yanbu. She can visit when you're ready.

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 20:15

......or the fathers, lets not forget Mishmash

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 20:18

Mintyy.

The op has very clearly said that if her own mother was not looking after her older child she would also prefer her not to be around for the same amount of days.

Those who are worried because you have boys, why do 3 days matter to you so much?

And as for doing what your told and not being overbearing,why on earth would you not do so when it comes to situations where you are not in charge and why would you want to be overbearing

MrChow · 04/02/2014 20:18

I'd be mine concerned at your 'DP' than your mil. These issues need addressing ASAP.

MrChow · 04/02/2014 20:19

*more

Inertia · 04/02/2014 20:19

Justalil and Bowlers- it won't be about you.

When your son's partners give birth, the priorities should be the health and welfare of the new baby and the mother- not your delicate sensibilities.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 20:20

bowler when the baby's start coming out the fathers arsehole or cut out of his belly I'm sure you will have more if a say!

I should think that the human race would be extinct if that was the case!

It's scary how many MILs think there needs should be put before the labouring mother. Weird

FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:22

I'd be inclined to tell both your in laws and your so called DH to fuck off. His behaviour sounds dodgy. Is he always this controlling and supportive??

pianodoodle · 04/02/2014 20:23

It's definitely one of those times where mother and baby come first and if there's a partner he should facilitate that.

I've just had my second and this time have kept visits shorter. I remembered from last time being very teary on day 3-4 when my milk came in and also being mortified of my giant boobs and being very uncomfy, so I asked for in-laws to visit before this happened rather than wait til I was bursting into tears every five minutes and breaking into sweats!

I think the OP is sensible in that she isn't anticipating stress for no reason rather she's seeking to minimise it due to inconsiderate behaviour last time round.

If I went to visit a newborn without being mindful of how mum might be feeling then it would be my own fault if I wasn't welcome next time...

FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:23

That should read unsupportive. Is he a mummy's boy? He needs to grow up and put you and his children first.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:26

I agree with the posters saying it's your DP not your MIL.

My mother gets in a right flap having to drive or visit somewhere new, that's annoying but not really designed to get at you on purpose.

Why did your DP have to shout at you, that's the problem. So it sounds to be like you can't face the state your DP will get into coping with a bit of flapping. Well he should just get on with it after you have just had a baby without giving birth.

I do get depressed at some of the MIL stuff on here, but honestly 2 days or 5 days isn't too bad I don't think.

If it was me and my MIL asked why I didn't sent visitors at the hospital I would be very tempted to say because your son gets all ratty when he has to organise anything.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:27

Why is he a mummy's boy if he wants his mother to visit her new grandchild at the hospital?

It's a perfectly normal natural thing to want.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:27

It's not about doing as your told, it's about being respectful of other people, can you really not see that?

oh dear poor future dil

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/02/2014 20:28

Just it would be so much easier if there were a book of universally agreed rules for MiLs.
Obviously we want to be kind and considerate and all those other sensible things, but what's kind and considerate for one person is rampant interferring to another.

Take making a cup of tea in DS/Dil's house. In some cases, it would be considered rude to be 'in my kitchen cupboards' and in others, to not make a cup of tea would be 'expecting to be wited on'.

And I remember very well being so outrageously hormonal that if someone so much as looked at me sideways I'd have been in a stew. Grin

This is why I think the best way forward is to try for the kind of relationship where DS is responsible for steering DM right if we get things wrong and also being responsible for being clear about what he wants too. I think men have often dipped out of doing that and left DW/MiL to get on with it. They need to step up.

Sorry - OP - I know that isn't helpful for you at the moment.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:29

No one is saying. MILS needs come before a labouring woman.

Some oeoole are just pointing out that the woman just wants to visit the baby.

I don't really get why oeoole get so het up about it either, both times I let any close family that wanted to visit. They brought biscuits.

FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:29

He's a mummy's boy if he hasn't got the cojones to front up to his mummy wummy and tell her to back off.
Some of these anti OP responses are insane!
OP YANBU. End of.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 20:30

What do you mean poor dil?

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:30

He's not suggesting she comes into the hospital and peers up OPs vagina.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:31

piano

If I went to visit a newborn without being mindful of how mum might be feeling then it would be my own fault if I wasn't welcome next time...

Exactly some people are just so in ward looking and selfish and stupid!

My own DF helped to turn my first borns birth into a horrific nightmare and was surprised when he wasnt welcome second time round, he then pushed and forced himself on us a few week later and then, went and tried to repeat the same behaviours that had ruined the first birth!

I just thank myself for taking measures to stop him coming to the birth, at least a few weeks aftr I was calmed and stronger to deal with it....needless to say he has not been welcome since.

People who are this pig headed and stupid need to be dealt with in a strong way.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:31

Did you click your fingers when you said end of?

Anyway like I said OP the weekend after seems reasonable enough if you don't want them at the hospital.

FunLovinBunster · 04/02/2014 20:31

It's not about the woman wanting to visit.
It's about this woman making unreasonable demands and behaving unreasonably.
It is also about the man child who can't or won't back up his wife.
Christ on a bike.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 20:32

But she doesn't just visit the baby, she causes a lot of stress and anxiety on the lead up to the visit. Her behaviour has caused a row between the op and her dh but he is as blind as some of you at seeing this is not about him or his mother, it is about someone who is about to have major surgery and wants to spend some time bonding with her new family, why is that so difficult to get?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 04/02/2014 20:33

FunLovin are you ok?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:33

harold

both times I let any close family that wanted to visit. They brought biscuits

Good for you, some peoples DP and in laws seem to bring barrel loads of crap with them, not biscuits.

HaroldLloyd · 04/02/2014 20:33

Why is she making unreasonable demands?

What unreasonable demands is she making?

Asking can you visit the hospital is NORMAL.