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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 19:42

I think the fact that her mil sits about drinking and expecting to be waited on by her dil when she has just had a baby is more the issue than the fact that she is her mil.

Animation · 04/02/2014 19:44

"The problem here is your DH. Why on earth is he taking ANYTHING out on you"

Exactly!!!

That's how I see it as well.

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 19:44

Would a MIL stripping off a half hour old baby complaining it was too hot in the room while the new mum was stuck on the bed after have CS asking her not to but being ignored. THEN fucking off outside for a fag leaving baby in the crib out of reach of new mum. Leaving her to get bollocked of the midwife , when she had to call for assistance

Inertia · 04/02/2014 19:45

Floppops - it sounds like he thinks it's ok for him to treat you as his emotional punchbag because he's stressed, even when you'd just given birth. Many people handle stress badly, but most of us are able to prioritise the needs of a woman who has just given birth over our own tempers.

Do you think he'd take it well if you explained that you don't want his mother to visit immediately because you know it will make him stressed and angry, and you really need him to be focussed on the new baby and helping your oldest child get used to things rather than getting angry and taking it out on you? I wish I had an answer for you, it sounds as though what should be a joyful time is likely to end in upset.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/02/2014 19:46

Mintyy, nobody would suggest you did anything "unwarranted". You were the new mother, the one who should be listened to. You were happy for the party to come; they came, they saw, they milled around, you didn't mind, it's all good. The point the OP is making is that she is not happy to welcome high-maintenance relatives and she should have that choice. The unwarranted bit comes in when people push themselves where and when they are not welcome.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 19:48

Oh for petes sake she's tried laying down boundaries and it hasn't worked, her dh refuses.

Minty, great that worked for you, but it doesn't for the op, why should she suffer? You didn't do something something unwarranted or extraordinary, you did what was right for you, why can the op not do the same for herself?

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 19:50

If I was MIL and someone had just gone through labour or section to give me a precious grandchild I would certainly be waiting to see when they wanted to see me. I wouldn't be putting pressure on my son to then force a visit if I wasn't wanted.
Then when they were ready I would come in with huge bunch of flowers just for DIL, choclates and probably a special gift for her....a necklace or something special to say thank you. No matter how much my natural urge would be to shove the breeder aside, I would try my best to make sure she had everything she needed and not to wait on me.

I would remind myself of the pain and emotions I felt after birth and I would remind myself, that I had many years yet and days adn months to see my grandchild and to be totally respectful of my dils instincts for her baby in the immediate after math of giving birth

Tryharder · 04/02/2014 19:50

For heavens sake.

I cannot see how your DH is being a 'prick' as he has been charmingly described. He simply wants his own mother to be able to call round, see the baby, take a photo and then bugger off again without his wife throwing a hissy fit over some perceived unreasonableness.

Some of you on here need to have a word with yourselves.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 04/02/2014 19:52

Tell your DH that your mil can visit on the Tuesday. Tell him that if his mother needs directions, that Halfords does a wide range of Sat-Navs & he can pre programme with directions to the hospital.Any other arrangements are as yet to be decided and are not up for discussion at the moment.

rumbleinthrjungle · 04/02/2014 19:52

Floppops, sorry you're feeling stressed, I can well understand you wanting to avert what happened last time.

It sounds like your first plan is to try talking directly to MiL and seeing if you can enlist her support to visit on the weekend. Maybe sharing that last time dh was stressed and you're worried about it and you'd really appreciate her support and her visit when you're home? It's worth a try. If you think she may then just work on dh to say she can come on the day, or will just come anyway, it may be as others have said that plan two is tipping off the midwife in advance that you may need their help for this visit to be kept short and low stress, which may avoid you having to worry so much about it if you know they have an eye out.

Plan three may be that if she is going to come to the hospital, are there any ways you can arrange in advance that help avoid dh being flapped by anxious phone calls. Can she park at your house if that's a familiar route and can someone be organised to drive her in? Can she park at your house and your dm will make her a cup of tea and fix up a taxi for her? Would you feel calmer sending dh to go and get her himself?

YouTheCat · 04/02/2014 19:53

So it's okay for him to be verbally abusive to his just-given-birth wife because he can't handle the stress of his mother then? Hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2014 19:55

If a DGM is able to visit and help with DC1 and support DH, great. If she is there only for a flying visit, great. But surely this is one of the rare times a mum can be indulged, bonding quietly with her newborn, DH bringng along DD, not feeling invaded? You know - enjoy some quiet time as a family, have all the lovely skin to skin contact, establish feeding, and not have the newborn passed from visitor to visitor. For every MNer who thinks this is being controlling and unreasonable, there may be another who felt vulnerable during labour and up to a week post-partum.

If otoh OP you feel strong enough after the Monday, a ward won't necessarily be a haven of peace, you might be up to MIL visiting you there before you go home. Suggesting this to DH might go down better than predicting a total veto.

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 19:55

you yes it seems so!

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 19:56

Hellelujah rumbleinthrjungle

Thank heavens. At last a sensible, non-hysterical post.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 19:56

Try harder, are you for real?

The thing is, it's not just popping round to see the baby then buggering off. It's the causing a lot of stress on the lead up to the visit, sitting there doing bugger all, expecting to be looked after. It's the husband not supporting his wife when she needs it most.

Animation · 04/02/2014 19:58

Yes You like he can be as stressy as he likes - poor DH!

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 19:59

I felt up to visitors and happily welcomed them, I was shocked that Mil treated me so rudely saying loudly with a voice full of sorrow "oh Noooooo She looks like you Rain" then went onto tell baby how she would get some decent food at her house...and so and so forth.

justalilmummy · 04/02/2014 20:03

This sort of thing is what worries me considering I have 2 boys....

RainYourRottingMyDhaliaBulbs · 04/02/2014 20:04

just why does it worry you, your going to be a great MIL are you not, respectful and kind to your dils...make friends with them and so on,....

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 20:06

Yep, worries me too just but apparently as long as we're not overbearing and do as we are told, we'll be just fine.

onelittlepiglet · 04/02/2014 20:08

My pils came to stay with us and see dd when she was two days old - I had only just got out of hospital after an ok birth but with a bad tear. I was exhausted and just wanted to be with dh and dd. I didn't want any visitors - my family or his.

My pils were rude, unhelpful and my mil tried to take my baby out of the flat while I went to the toilet. It was like I didn't exist or matter. I thought it was because I was a dil and not her actual daughter.

Fast forward a few years and my sil (my Mil's daughter) has just had a baby. Pils stayed two weeks and barely did a thing to help them. Got annoyed when sil's husband asked them to wash their own plates up (rather than him coming home from work and having to do it), took the baby off her at every possible opportunity and basically took over every thing.

Just shows its not about being a mil or not - some people are just by unhelpful and rude!

Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 20:13

Sounds like a plan bowler ah a potential mil understanding her needs don't come before the mothers Grin

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 20:13

It's not about doing as your told, it's about being respectful of other people, can you really not see that?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 20:14

That's the crux of it. Some people are just rude and inconsiderate. Their status as MIL is second to that.

We're taking two days old versus five days. She's not being told to wait weeks. I bet most people couldn't even tell the difference between a baby at two days and one at five.

eurochick · 04/02/2014 20:15

Try looking at it from another angle. If it was MIL in hospital, having had major surgery (let's say a hysterectomy as it's abdominal surgery, like a CS, and also comes with an emotional aspect), and she didn't want visitors immediately, would there be an outcry on here if DIL wanted to visit and her husband/FIL intervened to ask her to stay away for a few days as MIL wanted some space?

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