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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want the MIL to visit our newborn straight away?

665 replies

floppops · 04/02/2014 14:37

Our second DC is due in a few weeks.
When our first was born I had a very traumatic birth and was discharged the next day when I wasn't really well enough..
My MIL was on her way to see the baby within hours of DD being born ( 2 hour car journey for her). She got my husband in a right flap with constant phone calls and arranging of times,parking arrangements etc. It really wound him up and he went off at me. She arrived - opened a bottle of wine, drank it with my husband and left quite quickly after photos and holding the baby. Didn't help in any way.
I would really like a couple of days with first DD and baby at home to settle in before visitors this time. I'm a having a csection on a Monday and was thinking of telling MIL that the weekend should be ok for a visit?
But my husband thinks this is unreasonable and she should come when she likes. He refuses to support me. So I'm thinking I will have to tell her beforehand. Just worried she'll see that as confrontational or worse disregard my wishes and come anyway...

OP posts:
Mishmashfamily · 04/02/2014 19:04

tamer why the hell should op be banished to the bedroom for peace in her own home??? Shock I take it you have ds or are a mil from hell

JohnCusacksWife · 04/02/2014 19:04

What a sad thread. I have "issues"with my MIL but would not have dreamed of saying she couldn't visit to see her grandchildren soon after they were born. She was so excited & my husband wanted to show off his new babies to his parents....no matter how irritating I find her it would have been churlish and petty to have tried to stop her.

Having said that I would not entertain a home visit so soon if she was expecting to be waited on. If that's the case then surely a visit in the hospital where you don't have to do anything except lie there is the easy solution.

Purplepoodle · 04/02/2014 19:07

I think I would have her visit in hospital but dont take your mobile. Get dh to arrange for her to drive to your house then he can drive to the hospital. Perhaps get mil to meet dh for lunch then if she is late theres always afternoon visiting. That way you dont have to deal with phonc calls or dh stressing as this seems to be the main issue.

Bowlersarm · 04/02/2014 19:07

What a sad thread

Totally agree.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 19:10

I would leave him to clean up after his mum, I wouldn't lift a finger to do a damn thing and at the first sign of him taking out his stress on you I would clearly and loudly tell him to shove it, that he bought this upon himself, that if he'd supported you instead of his mother he wouldn't be in this situation. I would also see if there is a good friend that could come and support you and kick him out of this hospital if necessary.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 19:12

2/3 days after is soon

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 19:14

5 days is also soon

TamerB · 04/02/2014 19:14

I thought she wanted peace and quiet? Why is it ' banished' to get what she wanted? She can join them if she wants to.

TamerB · 04/02/2014 19:18

I am shortly to be a MIL, but I have known her for 7 years, we have a relationship separate from my son, as well as one through him. She is family orientated so is hardly likely to expect me to wait ages to see a baby, and I am not likely to insist. We are just laid back and relaxed and like each other.

wishful75 · 04/02/2014 19:19

The only thing I find sad about this thread is the selfishness and inconsideration shown by family to the op who is clearly in a vulnerable state.

Waiting a bit until the op feels stronger and more able to cope is really not to much to expect.

Pimpf · 04/02/2014 19:22

Tamer, that's great, hope you have a fab time with you gc, but can you not see, your situation is very different to the ops.

Oriunda · 04/02/2014 19:22

I had a cs and my mother visited the next day and my father the day after in hospital (PIL live abroad so came after 3 weeks). Personally I'd get the visits done whilst you are in hospital, where you have some control over visiting hours. You could always task a friendly midwife to keep an eye on you and intervene if things are getting too much.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 19:24

It's not peaceful or quiet to be upstairs listening to people talking and passing around your brand new baby that you want to be with.

Inertia · 04/02/2014 19:28

TamerB - if everyone was laid back and relaxed then the OP probably wouldn't have posted her concerns. Clearly everyone isn't laid back and relaxed, because last time round the MIL spent hours haranguing the new parents , getting pissed and leaving OP to clean up, while the OP's husband subsequently got so angry he took his temper out on the OP and sat drinking with his mother. Now that doesn't sound like a laid-back and relaxing environment for any new mother- bully for you if you managed to be relaxed under similar circumstances, but I don't see why any vulnerable, recovering new mother has to put up with bullying from anybody.

Floppops- based on your description of how your MIL and H acted last time round, and how he's behaving now, I really do think you need to try to enlist the support of the midwife , and ask for a note on your file asking for support if your husband becomes angry in hospital (is he likely to actually be violent?) - and it might be safer for all concerned if MIL visits while you are still in hospital and other people are around.

yonisareforever · 04/02/2014 19:28

Floppops of course your not being U.

You are very sensibly and wisely working to avoid a situation that has created a precedent for what might occur soon in similar circs.

You are being very wise in trying to avoid a similar repeat...

You must put yourself first no one else is going to.

Reading this thread, I feel like I was alone in wanting family members to share in our joy

No, I wanted others to share my joy too, and it turned round and bit me on the bum

Which is why i council any pregnant lady to put her own needs first.

Mintyy · 04/02/2014 19:30

Well, I'm amazed. I thought I was the most hard-faced, independent, family-shirking poster on Mumsnet, but when I had my dd in truly traumatic life or death circumstances, and was in hospital as a result, I was happy to have visits from my dmum, my dbrother, my ddad, my dstepmum, my dstepbrothers (aged 18 and 22 at the time) and my dparentsinlaw.

They were all overjoyed to welcome a new addition to the family and wanted to see her. I couldn't blame them.

And all the time they were milling about I was bleeding, crazed with no sleep, worried about dd's condition, trying to establish breastfeeding, trying to recover from a crash c-section with the residue of a general anaesthetic in my body. But I never thought I did anything extraordinary by welcoming those members of my extended family to come and see her. She was their dearly beloved too, not just mine.

I see now that lots of mumsnetters feel I did something unwarranted and extraordinary. How awful.

JassyRadlett · 04/02/2014 19:30

If OP's DH thinks his views on who gets to visit in hospital or during recovery are equal to OP's, I suggest he book himself in to have his spleen removed on the day of the birth. Then their positions will be analogous.

The positions of both parents are not equal during and immediately post-birth and it's ludicrous to suggest otherwise. And I speak as someone whose MIL met PFB 3 weeks before my own mother did. My MIL is ace.

I think the suggestion is that if you don't want to not be treated 'equally' as MILs, not behaving like an entitled arse would be an outstanding place to start.

ShadowOfTheDay · 04/02/2014 19:30

I also had a cs - felt like death warmed up for a few days - everyone came during visiting time at the hospital in the 3 days I was kept in - was nice to have some variation in who I was seeing, nice to have someone to hand the baby to so I could rest and nice to have a bit of fuss made over me for once....

it also meant no one was too desperate to visit when I got home... so had 2 days of peace and bonding just me DH and baby... lovely...

TamerB · 04/02/2014 19:30

I have no doubt the MIL is difficult!

TheBigJessie · 04/02/2014 19:32

As far as I can tell, my MIL visited earlier than any other MIL on the thread. She was there at the birth and having newborn baby cuddles less than 15 minutes later. And I don't regret that. And I still think the OP is being reasonable!

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/02/2014 19:35

The difference is mintyy, you wanted to and you felt able to.

AnitaManeater · 04/02/2014 19:35

YANBU
With DS1, ex mother in law was stood by my hospital bed while I was having a post section blood transfusion, waiting for DS to be brought back up from intensive care, telling me 'what a shame it was that I had been cut' trying to force homeopathic remedies on me and generally being a passive aggressive twat. DS was 12 hrs old and I'd only just come round from the general anaesthetic. I hadn't really had the chance of a cuddle with him.

With DD, my new improved MIL appeared the same day. I know the inlaws had been hanging around the hospital but where DD was born at 3am and I was disacharged at 7am they went home without a look in at that time in the morning. I was feeling fine and didn't mind close family but she brought DPs auntie with her who I had never met before. She was lovely but I was sat on the sofa making polite small talk when I realised I had a massive streak of post birth blood all up my arm. I also must have looked a bit like satan as I burst all the blood vessels in my eyes.

With Ds2 and another c section, we drove home via MILs so we could get it over and done with. Then we got home, my mum was there and so was my sister. Me and dsis get on ok but we aren't close. They decided to order a Chinese, so we had flapping about where the menu was, who delivered, who had cash, where was the cutlery, where were the plates etc. Then they all sat eating and watched me struggle with newborn DS and a csection wound trying to get out the sofa to the table. Final straw came when DD aged 2, decided to slink off to to the loo. She couldn't get downstairs, I went to get her but DD jumped at me from where she stopped halfway down. I caught her, but where I was feeling pretty faint from the section 24hrs before I fell. Nobody even put their fork down to help me up or see what the matter was. I had a bit of a hissy fit at that point.

So OP, you are not being unreasonable. I'd just see how you feel and not agree to anything at this stage. As far as I'm concerned a new mum must have her wishes respected and every need attended to!

Original poster
floppops · 04/02/2014 19:36

Inertia no not violent just really snappy and anxious. Which he will be anyway-handles stress very badly. Everything's a bit of an argument with him when he's stressed.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 04/02/2014 19:36

I think op doesn't feel able to because it is her mil.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 04/02/2014 19:41

Oh for Pete's sake, just let her see the baby but put a time limit on it. Tell DH if you have to overhear any fussy phone calls, then the visit is cancelled. Just lay down the boundaries and everyone is happy.