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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
DolomitesDonkey · 04/02/2014 13:35

nenny are you saying that a woman can't get a job which can cover the bills but a man can? And in addition to that, a man is incapable of looking after his own children? Jesus wept.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 13:36

Gangie, thanks for posting an update. Whatever the outcome, it is good you are n agreement and that you have both taken stock of all you have done, experiences and qualifications and training that you have each got and accept you're doing the best you can with what you have.

Amd what is wrong with crafts, exactly? Accepting benefits doesn't mean you have to down tools. A lot of women have started businesses using throwaway items to make and sell crafts, or a line of cakes or biscuits at a local coffee house or grocer's or soups and home made bread (or busking) at a local pub.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 13:40

The katie hopkins style streak displayed on this thread is a bit of a nasty skid mark imvho. Maybe time to take those stinky judgeypants off, and grab an atlas some of you!

^

This!!!

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 13:43

I agree too nennypops, but that is part and parcel of what MN is like, there's all kinds posting. :)

redshifter · 04/02/2014 13:48

What sort of work was OP going to get over the last 4 years that would have fitted in with that and provided an income to cover all living costs and childcare?

She had her OH or childcare.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 13:48

Why are people so anxious to condemn without bothering to read what they're condemning?#

Dolomitesdonkey, please don't put words into my mouth. Of course I'm not saying that a woman can't get work that pays the bills while a man can. What I'm saying is that a man can't get pregnant - I hope that isn't too controversial for you? Therefore, given that OP has children who are aged 3 and 1, she could could hardly work right through the past four years as had been suggested in the post I was replying to, and the reality is that employers wouldn't be falling over themselves to offer her well paid jobs. Given that she got pregnant accidentally while she was in college, when she had baby no. 1 she was hardly in a position to take a well paid job immediately the baby popped out, particularly as she lives in an area where the economy is fucked, and particularly as DH was working from time to time so not in a position to guarantee child care. When she got pregnant with no. 2, her DH was working and it would have made no sense for him to give up work so that she could try to get a shop job or something similar.

Yet again, take off the judgypants, people.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 13:50

nennyare you saying that a woman can't get a job which can cover the bills but a man can? And in addition to that, a man is incapable of looking after his own children? Jesus wept

JESUS WEPT

Exactly

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 04/02/2014 13:50

I agree with you that taking this job might lead to something else and on that basis he should take it.

You might not be better off financially but that is no reason to carry on letting the state fund your lifestyle. On that basis he should take the job.

It would be hard for everyone for you to be apart but life isn't always easy and sacrifices have to be made as it isn't right to live off the state when you are in the position to work. On that basis he should take the job.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 13:56

Yes! But as OP would be unwilling to do the same if the situations were reversed, she is being unreasonable to expect her OH to do so.

Pigeonhouse · 04/02/2014 14:02

Jesus, can I say again, the OP is not 'letting the state fund her lifestyle', her family is struggling to make ends meet in a particularly shitty recession, with mass unemployment, and getting benefits as a result? One in 4 Irish people under 25 is unemployed. The unemployment rate was 12.5 % in Dec 2013, and it's only that low because huge numbers of people have emigrated to look for work. The government is trying to encourage emigration - asking people to accept minimum wage jobs in other EU countries - to try to cut welfare costs.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 14:03

The reality is different - my comment about crafts and making soup and cake are meant to be a joke. It just isn't possible to make money out of doing that kind of thing in a situation where no one else has money to buy those luxuries. People will only pay for childcare if they have jobs and no relatives to help for free, so if everyone else in your area is either not working or got family nearby, that is not something that will help either. In a recession you have to take low or unpaid work to keep in the job market but there isn't any point in doing that so far away that you have to pay for lodgings elsewhere and travel on top.

If the economy picks up and there are new jobs in the area, then there could be jobs for men and for women, but a person cannot be all things to all employers.

LessMissAbs · 04/02/2014 14:05

I do think its a shame to turn down a job offer and remain on benefits, simply to remain on benefits, or repeat the unsatisfactory situation of long periods of unemployment interspersed with unreliable work. I'd personally find that left me so worried the delights of Cork would fade in comparison. Just how great can Cork be? I've been there, and it was nice, but I think broadening your horizons, even in the short term, never does any harm, and I think you both sound a little bit inactive and complacent in the job searching arena OP.

nocheeseinhouse · 04/02/2014 14:19

Yabvu.

You get an evening job, DH does the childcare. Or, you all move, and you get a job which fits around his, or at least try. You can't afford to faff around. We'd all love more time with the kids. Move with him. You've got loads of options, you're being "why don't you-yes but."

Other people (the people who pay for your benefits) get on with it, and work hard. If there are no jobs, then fair enough, but if you need to move for work, you move. Tax credits may well mean you are no worse off, if you're in Northern Ireland. I don't know the Irish system, but you need to get a kick up the bum, by the sounds of it.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 14:20

She had her OH for childcare.

But not for carrying the children or giving birth to them. And that could have put just the teeniest spoke into getting a job in an economy with such high unemployment.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 14:33

Nocheese, rtft. What evening jobs? There are no fecking jobs!
How can her dh do childcare when he is in Scotland?
It costs money to move from Ireland to Scotland, where are they to get the money for that, then?

We are in the priveleged position of being able to move around with DH's job, or him having the pick of well paid jobs if he's prepared to work abroad on contract work, which he has done for the best part of 20 years. I have moved around with him all over the place and that has meant I haven't had a career and I've done pt and voluntary work. I could have claimed benefits but never have since his salery has always covered what we need. Now we're both in well paid jobs and we pay taxes to help out people in great need, not to look down our fecking noses and pretend to be charitable, so you can count us out of your simplistic and completely ignorant and viscious equations!
Hth.

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 14:35

The katie hopkins style streak displayed on this thread is a bit of a nasty skid mark imvho. Maybe time to take those stinky judgeypants off, and grab an atlas some of you!

The judgement here doesn't come from the fact that the OP is on benefits or that Ireland is in a difficult economic situation and jobs are difficult to come by. It comes from the fact that the OP hasn't really done enough to get a job (as stated in one of her previous post) as has expected her husband to provide for the family while she stays at home with the children. She hasn't complained that jobs are difficult to get, she has said that she prefers to stay home with her kids and not move from Cork (as she loves it) while her husband goes abroad for work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this in a world where you are in position to support your family, but not where Ireland is footing the bill while being on its knees.

caruthers · 04/02/2014 14:38

The op is VU.

Her career and life are all she seems to be caring about.

How would her partner support both himself and his family on a low paid job?

Does she want him to live under a bridge and eat at soup kitchens whist he sends his wages back to support her lifestyle choice ?

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 14:55

I have never needed to live on benefits and hope I never will. I do passionately believe in the welfare state abd will always be happy to pay taxes to support it. The welfare state and NHS are two reasons to be proud of Britain and it horrifies me that some people seem so keen to dismantle them.

I would never, ever advocate people leaving their families for work. Fine, some people choose to be in the military or on oil rigs but most people don't want to live away from their families. To be apart from each other and our children would break my heart and would break my husband's heart. That people feel such contempt for benefits as to casually declare a man should live in another country to his own children for months on end because he has the misfortune to be living somewhere gripped by recession despite his best efforts to work hard is unbelievable to me. I wouldn't leave my own children for any job, not ever. I would never expect anyone else to do so either. Fine for people who make that choice because of the career they want, not fine to compel people to do so out of poverty caused by a global recession.

Roshbegosh · 04/02/2014 15:04

Having the children in these circumstances was the OP's decision. It doesn't make her a victim. Nor is it a justification for living her life on hand-outs.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 15:06

How would her partner support both himself and his family on a low paid job?

RTFT. There is nothing that says it is so low paid that he wouldn't be able to support himself or his family. And the objective was (1) so that he would have on his CV a full time job, which he hasn't had for 4 years, thus putting him in a better position to get a better paid job; and (2) so that he could possibly make contacts to improve his longer term prospects.

But they've decided not to go down that route anyway.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 15:09

Gawd. Roshbegosh, where does she say she wants to live her life on handouts? She's made it perfectly clear she wants to get work.

Having the first child was accidental, no-one is immune from that unless they're totally celibate, and she became pregnant with the second child when her dh was in work. It's hardly unreasonable when you have one child to try to have another fairly soon afterwards.

caruthers · 04/02/2014 15:15

nennypops

The job he's taking wouldn't allow him to get home to see his children very often because she said it would be "too expensive". hinting that the job her partner is taking isn't that well paid.

Her studying for a masters is more important than his time with his children.

How much paid work has she done in 4 years?

She needs to find work and contribute to her own lifestyle.

Piletka · 04/02/2014 15:15

That people feel such contempt for benefits as to casually declare a man should live in another country to his own children for months on end because he has the misfortune to be living somewhere gripped by recession despite his best efforts to work hard is unbelievable to me. I wouldn't leave my own children for any job, not ever. I would never expect anyone else to do so either. Fine for people who make that choice because of the career they want, not fine to compel people to do so out of poverty caused by a global recession.

I think most posters here are saying that she should relocate WITH her husband to Scotland so they can both have a chance of getting a job. The OP however doesn't want to leave Cork as she likes it so much. She is the one suggesting her husband move abroad for work (without his family).

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:19

Would the OP be treated the same if she was Bulgarian and the job was in the UK?

Piletka · 04/02/2014 15:20

Where does she say she wants to live her life on handouts? She's made it perfectly clear she wants to get work.

Saying that you want to get work and getting a job are two entirely different things. She has been on benefits for the last 4 years and prefers to stay home with her kids while her husband works. There is no need for her to say she wants to live on handouts, it is pretty obvious as she hasn't done anything to change that.

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