Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
Orlea · 04/02/2014 11:15

OP, we don't have kids yet so not the same situation, but in the last few years my DH has taken several short-term contract jobs all over the country and abroad (Europe), sometimes travelling home at the weekend but not always. He did it primarily so as not to have big gaps in his CV, as by the time he'd paid for travel and accommodation, there wasn't much left from his earnings. He is a contractor so gaps are fairly normal, but more than a few months at a time and he would have started to look less employable. He's now in a long-term contract where a lot of people he now works with, previously worked with people he met on some of these shorter contracts, so there is an element of networking which might be useful in future if it's that sort of industry.

So I see your point about getting his CV to look better even if you wouldn't be financially better off, but if he doesn't think that's enough of a justification for leaving his family, it's not fair to make him feel guilty as it's a big step to take... sorry that's not much use really, there's no easy solution Sad

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 11:16

Gangie* you have not really said why you wont move with him

DolomitesDonkey · 04/02/2014 11:29

Op, 2014 is the year it all turns around right? Well then it's time to pack your suitcases and head to Scotland as a family. You can move all your stuff "as and when" - I bet people can help out with advice in cheapest way to hire a van/cheapest ferry crossing etc.

Coming to the UK you will not have to worry about healthcare bills, food and clothes are way cheaper, someone mentioned the free daycare - and, coming from the eu you'll get "free" uni - oh, and have we touched on council house lists for eu immigrants? Wink

Cork never has been the land of plenty for most, and it's a cunt of a drive to Dublin.

I know you've not said where in Scotland you're going - but it's going to be an awful commute to cork.

We are moving from the eu to Scotland this weekend - for us it really is the land of plenty! Am happy to chat by pm. Smile

WilsonFrickett · 04/02/2014 11:32

You might even get a free Masters OP... there's not a ton of funding for second degrees (none if your first degree was funded) but there are some around, depending on subject...

candycoatedwaterdrops · 04/02/2014 11:33

I also don't get why you won't move with him.

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 11:33

DolomitesDonkey it doesn't sound like OP is willing to move...only expects her husband to do so.

DolomitesDonkey · 04/02/2014 11:37

I saw piglet - but she needs to grow up and grow a pair. Cork is not giving her all the opportunities she's looking for. If she wants good things for 2014, she's going to have to face that head on and stop sitting on her arse doing crafts all day! Wink

bodygoingsouth · 04/02/2014 11:40

it's tough. those saying you are unreasonable it deoends.

work is work, my dh had to leave us and go to Australia for 6 months. that was bloody hard as I was left with working full time, 2 kids still at home and supporting 2 at uni. but we needed the money. bills need to be paid and food out on the table.

obviously we couldn't all locate him.

however op your kids are young, personally if neither of you have found work where you are and there's this opportunity I would all go for it.

out it this way, what's to loose and the weather is as Shite in Scotland as Ireland. Grin

trust me it's bloody hard living apart.

MissDuke · 04/02/2014 11:42

OP what a tough situation. Why does your DH not want to go? Is he a good father, usually well involved in everything? How do you think the kids would cope? Have you looked into what you would be entitled to if you all moved?

Do you look for jobs right across Ireland? And the UK? It could be that he could get work in NI and you could all move further north, even to Donegal or whatever so he could commute?

I am sure you have thought of all that already, good luck sorting it out.

judogonzales · 04/02/2014 11:44

Of course he should take the job. And if it is OK and seems to leading to something more permanent then you should probably go and join him with the kids. In the meantime both of you look for other opportunities elsewhere.

dobedobedo · 04/02/2014 11:45

YABVU.

We moved from Ireland to England because there were no jobs at home. DH could have moved to England alone as he had a job set up and I didn't, but we're a family. In it together. We borrowed from family for moving costs. Sold whatever was too big to bring with us. Hired a van and did it ourselves. Moved ds's school. It was very hard - but we could now both find jobs! And we're doing better than we ever have. I'm not working in my "chosen" field, but you can't have everything - we're much happier working, having money, being able to afford a car and even a holiday last year.
Amend your plan. Forget about this internship thing for now and don't make your poor dh move away from his children and family.

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 11:57

I'd like to thank everyone for all your comments. We have just had a big discussion and have decided he will not be taking the job.

I guess I went a bit crazy initially as I am so frustrated at being stuck in a rut and I really do want to turn it around. He is in the process of completing a cert in a new field that has excellent prospects and it's Almost done so we are actually in a better position than last year. I have taken all your comments on board I have a lot to think about. I really don't want to move I love Cork, but maybe it's the only way.

I have been volunteering and have done some other training courses as well as looking after my 2 children so I haven't been sitting on my ass doing 'crafts' as someone wrote......

OP posts:
Pigeonhouse · 04/02/2014 12:06

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh on the OP. Ireland is fairly comprehensively economically fucked currently, with no signs of recovery, hugely high rates of long term unemployment and poverty. Yes, it's worse than the UK by some way at the moment, and large numbers of Irish people are emigrating for work - some to the UK, in fact. I did myself, and for years I commuted between Ireland and England. It was a thoroughly miserable experience, and the expense of travel and running two places to live shouldn't be underestimated.

And Cork has suffered more than many other places, as a small city with what used to be a heavy industry economy that never quite recovered from the recession if the 80s. It's also a long way from Scotland. People are living on benefits and food banks - the OP is in a very common situation.

Whether she is being unreasonable or not - and I see both sides - she deserves sympathy, not the kind of benefit-bashing and judgemental ism she's got from some posters.

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 12:11

Thank you pigeonhouse Smile

OP posts:
Roshbegosh · 04/02/2014 12:16

If being on benefits in Ireland with two children equates financially to an income of £40+K as someone claimed earlier then Ireland will stay well and truly fucked economically. Watch the brain drain. It's the people making an effort you have to feel sorry for, not this OP.

MrsMoon76 · 04/02/2014 12:19

Another Cork (west) woman here Gangie but now living in NI. I wouldn't leave again if I could go back and make that choice. I miss it and should have stuck it out. Salary here in NI is piss poor and I miss my family. A 6 hour drive home is crap. I think you are making the right choice in not pushing him to go. apart from anything else you know yourself the massive cost of flights to Scotland (unless its improved since I last flew there 5 years ago).

mayorquimby · 04/02/2014 12:19

Unbelievably selfish.

LessMissAbs · 04/02/2014 12:20

YANBU - people work all over the world. Scotland isn't that far from Ireland and its short term anyway. I have a friend who did just this, from Ireland, for 6 months and ended up with a very well paid job in Ireland on the back of her experience gained.

But - get a job yourself! And why not move to Scotland? There are loads of jobs here, but a lack of people qualified to do them. Why stay somewhere both of you struggle to find work?

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 04/02/2014 12:33

I think you got a bit of a hard time there OP.
I realise youve decided now that he's not going, but you need to factor in exchange rates if you are considering working abroad. He would have been paid in sterling, and you need a different bank account so that youre not paying to exchange the currency every time he gets paid.
Theres tax issues too.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 12:45

have always worked and have had permanent jobs. In fact I worked in Scotland myself

Yes. But my question is, would you work in Scotland now while your OH enjoys staying at home with his DC

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/02/2014 12:45

Well done for coming back with that update op. I how that something turns up for both of you soon.

VenusDeWillendorf · 04/02/2014 12:46

I agree pigeonhouse.
Unless you've been in her shoes, I'd say back off haranguing the OP.

The katie hopkins style streak displayed on this thread is a bit of a nasty skid mark imvho.
Maybe time to take those stinky judgeypants off, and grab an atlas some of you!

OP, ime, it is easier being poor and on welfare in Ireland. People aren't as judgemental, I suppose, and most of what you want out of life is free- fresh air, beauty, poetry, music.
I lived in Galway on very little as a student and had 'the craic': didn't feel poor at all. Lived on the same in Surrey and had a shit time. (Surrey isn't great at the best of times to be fair, and the job was boring as hell)

Have you contacted your citizens advice bureau OP- you may be entitled to more than you think, and also to go on a FÁS training course, with childcare. Things are never as bad as you think. Even with water rising!

Good luck.

TheCraicDealer · 04/02/2014 13:03

Soooo you’re willing to sacrifice his career, his prospects and his family life so that you can stay at home with the babies, then “achieve your potential” with a masters and an internship? I know you’ve sorted out this particular “bump” with him, but to be honest it doesn’t sound like you’re giving much thought to how your ambitions could impact family life. He shouldn’t have to take the first job that comes along to bankroll you and your dream career. As we way in the North, catch yourself on.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 13:26

It seems mightily unfair to me that you expect your DH to work abroad and go without seeing his DC for weeks at a time when you say you haven't worked for the last four years because you enjoy spending all your time with them.

You have noticed the ages of the children, right? What sort of work was OP going to get over the last 4 years that would have fitted in with that and provided an income to cover all living costs and childcare?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 13:33

Best of luck to you both, Gangie :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread