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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
caruthers · 04/02/2014 15:22

The OP isn't wanting to work or move away so that really doesn't apply does it

She says she wants to work but her actions don't exactly support that.

Piletka · 04/02/2014 15:23

Would the OP be treated the same if she was Bulgarian and the job was in the UK?

I don't care where you are from - I'm all for people moving around to improve their economic situation (by working).

amicissimma · 04/02/2014 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caruthers · 04/02/2014 15:26

amicissimma

Why does it just appear to be HIS job to support the family?

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 15:29

Also, why if you are only renting, DCs are preschool and the DW has no job to tie her to their home town, would you not all go? Thta's the bit I don't understand. DH had a job offer last year overseas, we debated it at a family, but at no point did we consider me staying in the UK and sending him on his own. We're a unit, unless you really can't all go, surely it's normal for all the family to go?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:33

Because moving costs money? And then you've got to get the family settled (away from all family and friends and support networks) and housed and probably apply for any help you are entitled to and survive and a much lower income until that is all sorted. IF you have no back up, no pot of saving to rely on, that can be incredibly hard. And it's a temp contract. So then what?

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 15:35

Nobody said moving will be easy, but it is not impossible. What is the alternative...not take any steps to improve your situation "because it can be incredibly hard"?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 15:40

No, but move all the way there and then...move back when the contract ends? Or find yourself both unemployed again, with no means to get back home?

DrewsWife · 04/02/2014 15:44

I live in Scotland. The job situation here in improving. My husband moved from South London and the quality of life is so much better here than there. He says so.

Consider moving here. There are a lot of Irish people living here and the quality of life is good. It's not expensive either. Lots if fab areas to choose from.

I also think of hubby can't get a job you should try. He can stay at home and look after the kids. There is no need for both of you to be off work. Sorry if this sounds mean but someone has to and it's modern times.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 15:51

It can be impossible. Ties to elderly relatives. Health concerns. Language considerations, or future employment can be region specific. Not everyone's belongings fit in a suitcase.

All I can sqy is, OP, it will get better. Yanbu to be frustrated at the situation, but if you are not flooded yourself, if you have your health, and you have something that keeps you in Cork, it is not all bad. I really hope you and your dp can find work and a way stay in Cork.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:53

jellyandcake

I agree with you.
I don't think a person should be forced to live away from their family. But the issue here is that the OP expects her husband to do this even though she is not prepared to do so herself.

She "loves Cork" and "enjoys time at home with my children" so does not want to move abroad to work away from them. I understand this but find it unreasonable that she expects her OH to do so.

I am not bothered by the benefit aspect at all. I am only bothered and trying to answer her original AIBU question, about her expectations of her OH.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 15:58

If it is a low wage, it is not improving the situation, it is making it worse with removals/storage costs and travel and the costs of redirected pist, chanfe of phone network, setting up broadband and services in a new place, buying info on getting to know a new place, making new friends and so on. Waiting lists for pre schools and nhs dentists. By which time, it is time to move again. It isn't like setting up a new business from something tiny in a flourishing economy in a busy city.

DolomitesDonkey · 04/02/2014 15:58

Op is being a little immature by complaining that she's waiting for an opening in her perfect job. Welcome to the real world - 49 years old I am and nobody is offering me 100k to play with ponies. So instead I do what it takes to put money in the table.

I think that's the problem people are having - that she's choosing a lifestyle and it's simply up to her hubby to fund it. In which case, she married the wrong bloke.

To a poster who told me it wouldn't be possible to work regularly as have children of 1 and 3 - well toots, I'm looking at 'em AND I've worked! Parenthood and bringing in a wage are not mutually exclusive!

DolomitesDonkey · 04/02/2014 15:58

Erm, I'm 40, not 49! ;-)

redshifter · 04/02/2014 16:01

Would the OP be treated the same if she was Bulgarian and the job was in the UK?

I did think this too.

I welcome immigrants. I just hope that people who are encouraging OP to emigrate to the UK and claim HB, benefits, free healthcare and no tuition fees in Scotland, are as welcoming to Romanians and Bulgarians etc. when they want to move here from a poorer economy to improve them and their families lives.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 16:03

Exactly DolomitesDonkey, good point.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 16:04

I just hope people are as welcoming to all foreingners.

And encourage all foreigners to come here for work. Not just Irish people.

DrewsWife · 04/02/2014 16:09

The nationality didn't cross my mind. And wouldn't as I have a diverse friends group. I would say to anyone. I also didn't say about benefits. My hubby moved up and got a job super fast.

I am an ex benefits advisor myself. But if one partner is expected to live by a set of rules the other couldn't bear then that is wrong.

I wouldn't want my husband to move away to work ad not take me and the family. To be fair I don't like the lifestyle in London but thankfully he got a job here so we didn't need to test that out. But on saying that. If I had to then I would. It would annoy the life out of me and I would have to get emergency parcels of plain bread and tattie scones ;)

But I don't agree with splitting up a family. Their children are young enough that a move would not affect them.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 04/02/2014 16:09

It's interesting that people keep shouting about youth unemployment.

The OP is 33.

Igglywiggly · 04/02/2014 16:15

Nenny my point is that she said she chose to be a sahm to her children because she enjoyed being with them yet she 'expects' her DH to sacrifice being with them. It is unfair for a mother to 'expect' a father to go for weeks without seeing his own children.

The op could have been looking for a job herself for some time now.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 04/02/2014 16:16

I did wonder why the OP wasn't suggesting she or the children would miss him or acknowledging how hard it would be for him. But my disbelief was directed at the posters saying of course he should go as though it's an easy and clear-cut decision. Skype does not compensate for actually being there and there is far more to supporting a family than just providing the money. Being there, physically and emotionally is vitally important - I believe the job I do as a mother is far more important than my paid work and similarly, dh's job as a father is more fulfilling and valuable to his quality of lifethan his career. We work to pay the bills, but spending time as a family is what makes us happy. As I said, I'd rather pay taxes to support the welfare state than see families split up.

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/02/2014 16:20

Caja the OP only mentioned her age quite late on well after her mention of having her first child whilst at college. Most people at college are young people.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 16:21

why the OP wasn't suggesting she or the children would miss him or acknowledging how hard it would be for him.

I found this a bit strange too. Came across as a bit selfish and hypocritical to me.

I agree with your other points too jellyandcake

GemmaWella81 · 04/02/2014 16:31

Has it finally clicked that it's a troll thread? How obvious can it be?!!

I can't believe someone could be so hypocritical...

And the posters saying it's fine for a father to disappear for months on end... Like you'd accept that if a man was pushing a woman into moving abroad

amicissimma · 04/02/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.