Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
redshifter · 04/02/2014 10:03

fraud then. Hope people doing that end up in jail

I agree, morally it is fraud but many people choose to live apart and only live together at weekends, and the way they do it is legal.

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 10:04

right you want your husband to take a jo in scotland just because it is a job he is away from his family he will essentially have 2 homes to run he will need to live in somewhere and pay bills, why dont you look for a job in Scotland and he can stay home with the kids,

NotYouNaanBread · 04/02/2014 10:05

He should take it, but you should all go - if you're on benefits, then you are essentially footloose and fancy free, right?

Have you been looking for jobs overseas for yourself too? How did this one come up?

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 10:05

OP: Well yes you are right I have not been looking for work as actively as I should have been as I have enjoyed being home with my children.

JoinYourPlayfellows How is she not after the SAHM lifestyle??

redshifter · 04/02/2014 10:06

But him moving away from the family and only seeing you at weekends will have a MASSIVE impact on that family

He won't be home weekends. More likely every few months if he's lucky.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 10:09

He won't be home weekends. More likely every few months if he's lucky.

Yes, you're right. I know that.

Scotland to Cork every weekend on a low-medium wage? Not happening.

But I was (foolishly) trying to counter the "oh, it's a great laugh only seeing your children at weekends and commuting to the other side of the world every week"

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 10:10

would you really be worse off if you all went? You would have to pay for somewhere for him to rent in Scotland anyway as well as in Ireland, your total food bill will be higher with him sorting things for himself (after long hours, is it going ot be a lot of convinence foods that are more expensive that cooking from scratch?) and you cooking for the family. If you all go, you'd be entitled to child benefit at least (unless he's earning over £50k) and you might be entitled to other help as a family.

If hes not found local work for 4 years, how likely is it he'll find local work once this contract in Scotland is up, is it more likely he could build a career there?

Igglywiggly · 04/02/2014 10:10

I'm sorry to say,op, that I also think yabu.It seems mightily unfair to me that you expect your DH to work abroad and go without seeing his DC for weeks at a time when you say you haven't worked for the last four years because you enjoy spending all your time with them.

You've said that your DH has had short term contracts during the last four years and that the Scotland job is short term also, I don't really understand how this job will develop his career prospects when the others haven't.

I find it a bit confusing that you can't find a full time non-graduate job because child care is an issue but you can do a full time internship.

Can you find part time work where you live, evening, week end or even night work so your DH is available to work full time during the day?

I think your masters degree will have to remain a long term ambition and that you need to be a bit more practical about your current circumstances.

Do you need to consider re-locating as a family within Ireland to where the jobs for you both are?

Perhaps you both also need to look for jobs outside of your chosen fields.

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 10:11

you are right Red he wont be able to afford the ferry every weekend or even a cheap flight will be few and far between, OP why dont you just get up and move with him your children are young you dont need to stay where you are

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/02/2014 10:11

Where it is is quite important if the OP wants to consider going.

If its a short term post in Ullapool then you are unlikely to have any more opportunities there. Aberdeen OTOH is booming, there are plenty of shop-type jobs going, you might be able to get a Saturday job and still have more family time then you would have if he went without you.

TeacakeEater · 04/02/2014 10:13

The OP doesn't seem in pursuit of a luxury lifestyle. Like many young people she presumably feels trapped in a low vacancy rate / low wage economic world and at least is exploring options.

Binkyridesagain · 04/02/2014 10:14

Gangie the company that have offered him the job obviously know that he does not live in Scotland, they probably will also know that he has a family. Knowing all this has the company offered any extras to his salary, like paying his expenses, travel home, accommodation, food?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 10:14

If hes not found local work for 4 years, how likely is it he'll find local work once this contract in Scotland is up, is it more likely he could build a career there?

^ This is really worth considering

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 10:15

'She doesn't want the "SAHM" lifestyle. She got pregnant when she was in college and has never had a permanent job.'

So you accidently got pregnant twice? Once in college, and once a couple of years ago? Doesn't sound like planning is your forte.

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 10:16

I spose you have a point Teacake but the reality id they wont be able to afford i dont think to keep 2 places running her husband will need to eat and sleep somewhere the op and the children will need food have bills etc and they wages wont be any better than the benefits they are on but they will need to pay full rent council tax and he wont be able to afford to come home every weekend, which might leave the op resentful and isolated, and the husband missing his family ,

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 10:16

and feeling resentful and isolated*

yegodsandlittlefishes · 04/02/2014 10:22

I think if it were better money, and near enough for your DH to get home every other weekend, then it is a viable option, but this isn't, not unless it comes with a relocation package and free food and board for him, and enough to cover some childcare so you can work pt too. If he has had this job offer, have faith that something else could come up. Could he ask the company that offered the job if there are other, better paid positions in the pipeline?

We've had years and years of it and there have to be limits, there is no point in working away for months on end...unless your husband in in the oil industry and you would move to Aberdeen if he got a well paid job after this one. Then it could be a stepping stone and worth it for a few months.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 10:25

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

Not being unreasonable to ASK him but again we need to know whether you would do the same before we can say if you are being unreasonable to EXPECT him to.

You haven't answered this.

MarvellousMechanicalMouseOrgan · 04/02/2014 10:32

I'd say leaving Cork is the only answer. If you were in the UK you'd be getting free health care, you'd be entitled to housing benefit and child benefit, and I'd imagine most places would be cheaper housing-wise than Cork.

Have you considered moving to NI? Property is dirt cheap, free health care, free prescriptions, you could move in a van rather than needing flights/ferry etc.

Megrim · 04/02/2014 10:32

But I was (foolishly) trying to counter the "oh, it's a great laugh only seeing your children at weekends and commuting to the other side of the world every week"

No, it's not a great laugh, but sometimes you have to do it. We have spent years doing it, still are to a lesser extent, but hey, we have no mortgage, we have college funds for the kids and a pension pot. We wouldn't have managed much of that if we didn't put the hours in.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 10:32

has the company offered any extras to his salary, like paying his expenses, travel home, accommodation, food?

Get real. Very, very unlikely for a low paid or even median wage job to offer this.

mrsjay · 04/02/2014 10:34

can i be ignorant is cork in the south ?

Pigletin · 04/02/2014 10:37

has the company offered any extras to his salary, like paying his expenses, travel home, accommodation, food?

This doesn't happen even in highly paid jobs. Where do people get these ideas??

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/02/2014 10:40

Cork

MothratheMighty · 04/02/2014 10:40

homepage.eircom.net/~decfam/Irelandmap_image005.jpg

It's the yellow county at the bottom Mrsjay.

Swipe left for the next trending thread