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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 08:27

He would not be home every weekend as it would be too expensive.

We agreed that this year was goin to be the year that things turned around for us and that we would do all it takes to improve our situation. I think that just by taking this one ' unsuitable'job it might set of a chain of events - you never know who you would meet. At least it's pro active?

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/02/2014 08:27

I think he ought to take it too, but if he has to fly to and fro every week and rent somewhere to stay that is going to really eat into his pay.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/02/2014 08:28

x-posted. I agree that it might well be what is needed to break the cycle of short term jobs and spells of unemployment.

Sirzy · 04/02/2014 08:29

So when on earth would he see his family?

redshifter · 04/02/2014 08:30

I have been looking for work but I am not having any luck as I have no experience.

Yes. But have you considered looking abroad for work?

Sirzy · 04/02/2014 08:30

And your still ignoring the key question - would YOU take the job?

Quinteszilla · 04/02/2014 08:31

Yanbu.

After 4 years of unemployment he is lazy to turn down paid work.

But I guess that is what happens when people rely on benefits long term. They dont see why they should work if they are paid not to work.

Tailtwister · 04/02/2014 08:32

YABU. Would YOU do it OP? I wouldn't force him if he doesn't want to go and it would make him miserable. I would look at you all moving together, but I wouldn't expect him to do it on his own.

LIZS · 04/02/2014 08:33

Sorry don't understand why you would not be able to go too - what have you got to lose ? Perhaps he thinks you want shot ?

littleredsquirrel · 04/02/2014 08:34

Seriously you want to get a masters? You can't afford to move, your husband doesn't have a job, you don't work either, you have two small children and you want to get a masters? I am quite shocked.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 08:36

You need to consider whether you would move to Scotland for any old job. If you would then maybe you are not being so unreasonable.

Would you move on your own to where you don't know anyone, live in shitty lodgings, send nearly all your money home and only see your children a couple of times a year?

Wouldn't you and your children miss him?

WooWooOwl · 04/02/2014 08:36

If you aren't prepared to take any job that's going then I can see where he's coming from a bit more.

I think he's very much in the wrong for not taking work that's offered to him while he's on benefits, but if you are holding out for unpaid work experience instead of looking for anything that pays, then you are just as bad.

You don't need experience to work in a lot of jobs, and when you have children to support you really don't have any right to be choosy about work when your family of four is being fully funded by other people.

littleredsquirrel · 04/02/2014 08:37

I agree though he should take the job and you should all move to scotland Rent out your house and rent there - it will save his travel and presumably if you can afford for him to travel backwards and forwards there is some wriggle room in the budget just in case you can't rent out your house immediately.

And you need to get a job. Not a lovely college graduate wanting a job in her particular field so that you can then go back to school and get a masters type job, but a job that pays the bills and supports your family.

Joysmum · 04/02/2014 08:37

I was going to say YABU until I saw it was 4 years since he last had a regular job.

Can't help getting the impression from what you've subsequently writing that you haven't tried too hard to find work, ANY WORK, yourself as your standards are too hard. It seems to all be about you and your training.

So I ask, if you'd been offered a job for this money, would YOU have gone and left him and the kids at home?

Only if the answer would be yes would I say YANBU.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 04/02/2014 08:38

She said she wants to but can't afford it. FFS. MN in full on pant hoiking mood this morning I see.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 08:39

They dont see whytheyshould work if they are paid not to work

But OP is being paid not to work also.

SavoyCabbage · 04/02/2014 08:39

I think you should all go. It is not going to cost as much for you all to move there than it is for him to come home all the time and the cost of running two homes.

You can move on the cheap by taking very little, selling what you can't move and getting second hand stuff when you get there.

AuntieStella · 04/02/2014 08:39

Would you accept a job that took you away from your children?

Because, depending on your field, perhaps the solution is for you to extend your job hunting to major UK cities (someone which are recovering well and employment opportunities are finally increasing).

Joules68 · 04/02/2014 08:41

Those saying move.... And rent out your house? They are on benefits, there is no spare money to enable a move! Maybe they are in social housing.... Exchanges are tough to get.

Your studying IMO op is a luxury. You could look for work and try harder out of your 'field'

littleredsquirrel · 04/02/2014 08:42

Hopalongon she didn't say that, she said she was looking for an internship and she wants to do a masters. That isn't looking for a job.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 08:42

You don't seem prepared to take just any job yourself but you expect him to.

YABU

If you took any job OP it would look better on your CV.

Joules68 · 04/02/2014 08:43

And those worried about him nor seeing his family..... It's a short term job. Many men manage. The kids won't be harmed by it either

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 04/02/2014 08:46

OP if you all went, maybe there would be more opportunities for internships for you?

dreamingbohemian · 04/02/2014 08:49

I think he should consider doing it for 6 months and see how it goes. That's not a terribly long time and as you say, it could break the cycle.

It could also give him an idea of how you could all move over there for not too much money. If both of you have been looking for work unsuccessfully for four years then it's definitely time to think about leaving.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 08:49

Youu could just say that your DH left you. That way you could continue getting your benefits, housing benefit on top of husbands pay and you can save for your masters. Your DH might think this is more worthwhile and worth the sacrifice.

I know a fair few people who have done/are doing this.