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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:33

people used to do this all the time, didn't they? Work away from home to make a living, go to where the work was and often leave family behind.

Yes but is OP willing to do the same. She hasn't answered but my guess is she wouldn't be as she hasn't really been looking for work even locally for 4 years because she has enjoyed being home with my children, so I doubt she would be prepared to work in a different country from them and hardly see them.

Megrim · 04/02/2014 09:34

FWIW, I think your DH should seriously consider taking the job, even if you're not going to be financially better off. They do say it's easier to find a job when you've got a job. If it's only short-term he won't miss out on the DCs too much, you'll find it hard at first (I'm speaking from experience here), but you'll all adapt.

Just be aware that some places in Scotland are expensive, ie Aberdeen would not be a cheap place to live.

LoveWine · 04/02/2014 09:35

Have you explained yet why you can't all go to Scotland?

I think it's because she will lose her benefits? And she'd rather not do this for a chance to find work.

brokenhearted55a · 04/02/2014 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyInDisguise · 04/02/2014 09:38

She has. It's short term employment and they can't afford the cost if the move.

If it was me I would take the job. Nit different in books than people who are working off shore, the military and a lot of other jobs that involve quite a lot of traveling.
I mean the wording different 'country' is misleading IMO. It's still the uk not Spain, the USA or Australia!

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 09:40

OP - perhaps you need to think a bit more long term for the pair of you, if there's been no work for either of you for 4 years, then perhaps holding out for the local economy to improve is a bad choice.

If he takes the job in Scotland, you could all go. You could look for work that fits round when he was working (could you contact care homes, often they will need people on weekends/evenings). You could show him you are prepared to do the work too.

If there is no local work, is no propsect of any and your DH doesn't want to be in a different country to his DCs, then you can all go. You mention rent being paid for you if you intern, then I assume you are renting which means you are very flexible about leaving. Your DCs are all pre-school so you wouldn't be messing with their education. This is the best time to go for 6 - 12 months as a family to get your DH some more recent experience and improve his CV.

If you aren't prepared to make the scarifices too, it's unfair to ask him to.

(Personally, I'd widen the search, anywhere in Europe/Middle East, you have nothing to stop you and no prospects where you currently are, get yourselves sorted before your DCs are at school.)

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:41

It's still the uk not Spain, the USA or Australia

Ireland is not in the UK

Doh!

apachepony · 04/02/2014 09:42

I think calculations have been done (sorry in a rush so can't fin detail right now) to show that to match the benefits available for a 2 parent 2 child family in Ireland, you would have to be earning over €45,000. So a minimum wage job will definitely leave them worse off.

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 09:43

Lady - I don't think the OP is in Northern Ireland, so it is a different country. Mind you, I live in Kent and I know a couple where he commuted to France for 6 months... (was just across the channel, but still, it was rather winning the top trumps on bad commute stories)

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:43

Yes, if you got a full time job in a supermarket, would you be worse off than on benefits?

Genuine qustion. I'm interested.

LoveWine · 04/02/2014 09:45

So what is the solution apachepony - they don't work for the rest of their lives as they will be worse off and Ireland picks up the bill? I don't pay taxes in Ireland so don't particularly care but I'm frankly amazed at people's attitude towards relying on the state because "they want to stay home and enjoy their children".

Megrim · 04/02/2014 09:46

I know people in Aberdeen that commute to Norway, the Netherlands and France.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:47

OP, do you intend to still claim all your benefits and rent allowance if your DH takes this job?

If so, it would be more understandable and I think you would be being less unreasonable towards your DH.

Roshbegosh · 04/02/2014 09:48

This kind of thing will turn us all into Katie Hopkins. It's mad.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 09:49

Rather contradicting yourself in one post

OP's DH really does need to take any reasonable opportunity going,

^Yet OP should not take any job going*

Can you really not see the difference, Redshifter, between taking any "reasonable" opportunity and taking "any job going"? OP's husband has been offered a job which is more or less in his field, which might well lead on to better opportunities, which will provide an income for the family at least equating to what they get on benefits, and which offers full time work which he has not had for 4 years. That is not the same as taking "any job" which may well leave the family worse off than they are now. Yes, if the OP can find a job which does not leave the family in that position, fine, but that is not relevant to whether her husband should take this job which is on the table now.

Roshbegosh · 04/02/2014 09:50

Redshifted, fraud then. Hope people doing that end up in jail. They can enjoy their children from there.

WilsonFrickett · 04/02/2014 09:51

You'd get 15 hours free childcare for your 3 yo in Scotland. Just sayin'

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:51

I know people in Aberdeen that commute to Norway, the Netherlands and France

But this is not financially realistic in a low paid (or even median wage?) job.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 09:51

YABU

He doesn't want to move away from his family and you should respect that.

Have you been applying for jobs abroad with the intention of leaving your babies with him while you work away?

NeoFaust · 04/02/2014 09:54

DRIPPING with gender privilege.

The poor guy shouldn't have to abandon his family and miss out on his children just because you want the SAH lifestyle.

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:56

Nennypops thank you, you put that better than I have been able too. I'm really upset right now. I feel terrible about being On benefits and no I would not lie and say he left me so that I can keep that money. All of our families/friends work it's not like feckin benefits street. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and the quickest way out is oh to take work even abroad. We are in cork btw. We struggle enough financially without me taking a job that leaves us worse off. I know how that sounds bit that's the truth of the matter.

OP posts:
nennypops · 04/02/2014 09:57

All these people saying OP should get a job are rather missing the point that she's not the one with a job offer on the table, and that realistically she is highly unlikely to get a job that will leave the family better off than they are now. Also all the judgy people who say the family shouldn't be on benefits are equally missing the point that she wants her OH to do something that will potentially get them all off benefits long term. None of that stops her looking for a job herself, but a decision needs to be made now about this job offer - pontificating about what should have happened in the past or hypothetical jobs that OP might get is not really relevant at this point.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 09:57

The poor guy shouldn't have to abandon his family and miss out on his children just because you want the SAH lifestyle.

RTFT

She doesn't want the "SAHM" lifestyle. She got pregnant when she was in college and has never had a permanent job.

She lives in IRELAND FFS, where the economy is fucked and jobs are not easy to come by.

Fucking gender privilege? Fuck off.

TeacakeEater · 04/02/2014 10:01

OP I understand that you have to make logical decisions according to circumstances you are in right now.

FWIW I can see why it would be the sensible option for your DH to take this temporary job to give him a better chance of finding a permanent job.

But you too are in a position of needing work experience too to make the most of an upturn when it happens (and it will!). During the 90s recession I was on UK jobseekers allowance and I was allowed to earn a small amount working a few hours and still be classed as available for work. This combined with voluntary work helped my job search. Is there any leeway for you to pick up a few hours work while your DH is around to look after children. Explore every tiny opportunity be it paid work or voluntary.

Best Wishes.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 10:03

Don't feel bad for being on benefits.

That's what they are for.

I think you're right that you guys need to change your circumstances and a move is definitely something to consider.

But him moving away from the family and only seeing you at weekends will have a MASSIVE impact on that family - it will affect his relationship with his babies, your relationship with each other. That's an AWFUL lot to give up so that you will be financially no better off.

Think about it in the medium term - if this job leads to other things, are they likely to be in Cork?

Have you been in Cork the whole of these 4 years when he's been struggling for work?

I think you both need to sit down and figure out a way through this situation that doesn't involve him moving away from the family for no concrete benefit. That he might get another job doesn't seem enough of a reason to split your family up for a significant period of time.

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