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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
SoulJacker · 04/02/2014 09:08

Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

Nowhere has the OP said that her OH has been unemployed for 4 years.

If this was a permanent opportunity that may lead to other things then I think the move would be more reasonable but it sounds like it's yet another short term position. Why do you think this is more likely to lead to something better when the others didn't?

dreamingbohemian · 04/02/2014 09:09

In that case I think YABU. Before splitting up the family you should at least really try to get a job and your DH can stay at home. When you need the money you can't be precious about wanting to stay home because you enjoy it. You'll have time to work PT and study when they're at school.

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:10

I have not got big ideas on only doing a fancy graduate job. When I mention internship it's full time hours for €50 a week, this would Be very difficult financially as travel costs etc mount up but I would be delighted to do it as it would mean better prospects for me. As i said earlier, by me taking any job it would make our situation financially worse off.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 04/02/2014 09:10

How would you be worse off on a minimum wage job but not on an internship?

LoveWine · 04/02/2014 09:11

As I said....this is what being on benefits for a long time leads to...people refusing to work.

Sirzy · 04/02/2014 09:12

So you can afford an internship working for pretty much nothing but still needing childcare but you can't afford to work in a minimum wage job?

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 04/02/2014 09:16

Why don't you all move to Scotland? Then you won't have the expense of his going back and forth, he'll still get to see the children every day, and it gives you a new job market to explore. You don't have a job tying you to where you are now and your DCs aren't in school so it wouldn't disrupt their education.

dreamingbohemian · 04/02/2014 09:16

sorry x-post

My question remains though, how could you possibly be better off working FT for 50 a week?

An internship is no guarantee of a job. These days it's often just a way for companies to avoid paying people properly.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:16

as I have enjoyed being home with my children

But you expect your DH to be in a different country to your children and hardly see them? Confused

Jeez!

You asked whether YABU. I think you need to answer whether you would take this job before we can answer you.

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:16

I would be slightly better off on internship as i could keep medical card, rent allowance etc for the duration. I don't know what I would do re childcare ( if oh not working obviously he would mind them) if he was working I could afford some childcare.

OP posts:
KeinBock · 04/02/2014 09:17

When I mention internship it's full time hours for €50 a week, this would Be very difficult financially as travel costs etc mount up but I would be delighted to do it as it would mean better prospects for me.

I'm sorry op, but I honestly think you're being rather naive here. Even if you were lucky enough to secure an internship, this is fairly unlikely to lead to anything more permanent. I know many fairly recent graduates who have had half a dozen or more internships, none of which has led to anything more permanent.

MrsOakenshield · 04/02/2014 09:19

people used to do this all the time, didn't they? Work away from home to make a living, go to where the work was and often leave family behind.

He should take the job. You are quite right to say that it is easier to find work if you are in work. It may not be for long.

Quinteszilla · 04/02/2014 09:19

Internships are gold. You are hardly likely to get one from the position of benefits and caring for your own kids is not going to make you stand out to future employers either. you have not showed willingness to work hard in the same way as taking any job while looking does. My friends dd got a rather fab internship in a national fashion mag after doing he hard slog in an Ice cream bar and a shop, doing insane shifts. They liked her hardworking nature. Just because there is hardly no pay does not mean they are not cherry picking.

LoveWine · 04/02/2014 09:20

I think the problem is not about childcare, travel costs or minimum wage jobs, it's about the OP not wanting to work and expecting her husband to provide for the family on his own.

AfricanExport · 04/02/2014 09:21

YANBU

The longer he is out of the job market the less likely it is that he will get back into it. You are right in that it could be the stepping stone he needs. I would be fuming of my DH didn't take the job and vice versa. I would certainly take it if it was me.

In a previous job hubby was sent off to Aberdeen and York, for months on end, when the kids were young. That's life. It's not a biggy but then again we have moved much further to ensure we both have work.

Personally I think that turning ones life around requires sacrifice and planning. It doesn't just happen. Wink perhaps he needs to be told that.

BrianTheMole · 04/02/2014 09:23

Have you looked for work in another country yourself?

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:25

It's not that I don't want to work. I am currently limited to the jobs I can apply for. Me working Min wage would not improve our situation we would be worse off.

He had a higher earning potential at the minute. The reason I want to to masters is so that I have hover earning potential eventually. I am well aware that i need to be working before I do masters, that is just my long term goal.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 04/02/2014 09:27

What sort of thing are you looking for? What experience do you have? Life or work wise?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 04/02/2014 09:27

Why can't you take a job while he stays home with the DC? That way you don't have to pay out for childcare. Or, you could do what a lot of couples do - one works during the day, the other works evenings/nights/weekends so that there aren't any childcare costs.

I just think it's very hypocritical of you to expect him to work full-time, way from home, so you can, "stay home and enjoy time with your children". Why can't he enjoy time with his children while you go out and work?

justmyview · 04/02/2014 09:28

Where is the job offer in Scotland? How long would it take / how much would it cost to travel there? Ferries are not expensive. He might be able to come back quite often.

Roshbegosh · 04/02/2014 09:28

How do you think you will ever be employable with a long benefit dependency lifestyle history? You have never taken charge, having babies while DH is not working, pissing about studying for a masters (big deal - that won't give you an edge on its own).

Yes as someone said you can pretend he left you to fiddle more benefits and sit on your arse gazing out the window telling yourself there's no other way. Your children will miss him and he will miss them but you will be happy. Or you can all have a life of depending on the tax payer waiting for Ireland to pick up. Yes, it's all Ireland's fault and that crash not your responsibility. When it does pick up will you get a job or will the job go to a young graduate with a bit of drive? You sound selfish, lazy and pathetic.

justmyview · 04/02/2014 09:28

And how long is the job contract that he's been offered?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 04/02/2014 09:28

Are you saying you get more on benefits than you would if you worked full-time in a supermarket or restaurant?

TeenageTrauma · 04/02/2014 09:29

YABU

And pretty selfish too. You have said you have enjoyed being home with the children, do you not think that's also true of your DP? Why does he have to sacrifice his time with the children so you get more time with them

Would you take a job away from them? Or are you looking for work that means you can spend as much time with them as possible?

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 04/02/2014 09:29

Have you explained yet why you can't all go to Scotland?

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