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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect oh to leave the country for work?

274 replies

Gangie · 04/02/2014 07:52

Job offer yesterday. It's in Scotland ( we are in Ireland) it's not in his actual field but similar. The pay is not great, we prob would not be any better off than we are at the moment ( on benefits though Confused)

I want him to go because it's a job and it's easier to find work when you are working. He doesn't want to take it as he will be away from us (2 kids 3, 1) and not gaining anything ie. money, experience.

Currently not talking after huge argument. Its 4years since he has had full time permanent work. He has had sporadic work throughout this time and works hard and long hours when it's there.

OP posts:
littleredsquirrel · 04/02/2014 08:50

Is it a short term job? Doesn't look that way. The OP wants her DH to use it as a stepping stone but she doesn't say its a short term job.

What is your field OP? perhaps those in the know could tell you whether moving might also help you? Or is it something where you have to be in Ireland?

nennypops · 04/02/2014 08:52

You can't afford to move, your husband doesn't have a job, you don't work either, you have two small children and you want to get a masters? I am quite shocked.

Oh, come off it, littleredsquirrel. She didn't say she wants to do it now, she said she wants to do it "ultimately" but recognises she can't afford it now. Read the message properly before you jump down her throat.

Quinteszilla · 04/02/2014 08:52

Yes it applies to both of them.

Frankly, two adults knocking about refusing work for what eve reason, not a graduate job, not the right type or country is lazy, and a bit pathetic really.

VelvetSpoon · 04/02/2014 08:54

This thread just highlights why there is such an issue with people relying on benefits for years and years, it becomes acceptable and then they can't be bothered to work.

I feel he should take the job without a doubt. 4 years unemployed is a long time to be out of the workforce, frankly any job he can get after such a lengthy period of unemployment is better than none.

It's not an ideal situation that he has to work in another country BUT imo it's better than not working at all, and sitting at home on benefits for another 4 years...

canyourearme · 04/02/2014 08:57

Yanbu.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 04/02/2014 08:58

OP, would you take a job that meant you wouldn't see your DH and DC for weeks at a time? Because if you wouldn't consider it, YABVU to expect him to do the same.

Personally, I think you both need to lower your standards. You can't just accept work in your field if it means you rely solely on benefits for four years at a time in between. Why can't you apply for retail or bar work? Lots of flexibility and evening/night shifts which can help with childcare costs. I think it's very naive to just look for internships or work in a certain field, especially with the economy in the state it's in.

nennypops · 04/02/2014 08:58

YANBU. After four years out of full time work he really does need to take any reasonable opportunity going, because the longer he is out of work the more difficult it is going to be to get back in. If as you say it's not a long term job, it's not as if DH will be isolated from the family for years on end.

All those people saying OP should take any job going, remember that taking an unskilled job will simply leave the family worse off than they are now. It may get them off benefits, but it won't solve any financial problems and OP's husband still needs to take this job.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:00

you could all move over there for not too much money.

Housing benefit would probably be needed. I'm not sure if you entitled to HB straight away when moving to a new country. You need to check this OP to see if the whole family moving is a possibility. I think The government is trying to tighten up this sort of thing for immigrants but not sure about it, so do check.

LoveWine · 04/02/2014 09:01

This is what being on benefits for a long time leads to...refusing work. I can' believe that in 4 years neither of you has been able to find job...not even as a cleaner or a construction worker?

LIZS · 04/02/2014 09:01

She said she wants to but can't afford it op didn't say she wants to, she dismissed the suggestion as too expensive and she wants to do other things . Why would moving and living in Scotland be more expensive. Unless he is working on oil rigs you would see more of him and potentially develop those contacts you seem to value - for yourself too. Staying put clearly isn't working for you or oh .

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:01

Well yes you are right I have not been looking for work as actively as I should have been as I have enjoyed being home with my children. Also when oh is working he earns good money so during those times we are surviving well. I guess I have been holding out for a permanent job for him so that I can stay home with the children and study and go back to work part time. I just keep thinking that things are picking up in Ireland and he will have work soon but obviously that has not happened and I can no longer go on hoping.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 04/02/2014 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:03

It's all very well to say yes do any job.. But if both if us were on minimum wage we WOULD NOT be able to afford childcare. What am I to do strap them to my back an get oh with it?

OP posts:
littleredsquirrel · 04/02/2014 09:05

nennypops on the one hand I agree with her that her husband should take the job but I also think she is being highly unrealistic even thinking of a masters when she doesn't have a job. I appreciate she said she can't afford it but at the same time she is looking for an internship not looking for a job.

I work in law and see hundreds of graduates looking for work in law. They are not all going to get training contracts/jobs in law but some of them won't take anything else and just seem to expect that they are entitled to have a job in their chosen field just because they went to university and got the relevant degree. Actually they are far more likely to develop the skills they need through taking work in another area and demonstrating a good work ethos than just waiting and waiting for the right job to come along (which for most people it simply wont). I'm not saying the OP is in this category, she hasn't come back to say whether she is also looking for other work, Im just saying it happens.

None of this changes the fact that I think her husband should take the job after this long unemployed and they should all relocate to live in scotland.

Sirzy · 04/02/2014 09:06

So he has been working just on temporary contract and you basically want him to take a full time job to fund your lifestyle choice while he never gets to see his family?

Sorry but that last post makes you sound very selfish.

Joysmum · 04/02/2014 09:06

Thought so Gangie

In which case it's time for you to man up and get work so your DH doesn't have to go abroad. If I were him, I'd resent your attitude of trying to push him into something he doesn't want to do so you could enjoy time with the children he won't see! Hmm

Original poster
Gangie · 04/02/2014 09:06

And yes by me working any job (ie min wage) we would be WORSE off!

OP posts:
littleredsquirrel · 04/02/2014 09:07

ok she has now been back.

Joysmum · 04/02/2014 09:07

X posted with Sirzy. The husband has more patience than I would. Where's the equality in this marriage?

LoveWine · 04/02/2014 09:07

I think OP, you mentioned the real reason in your previous post - you have enjoyed being home with your children and have not been actively looking for work. Being a cleaner (for example) doesn't mean a minimum wage job. If you are worried about childcare, at least one of you can work, right? Or you could work weekends, nights, anything even part time?

redshifter · 04/02/2014 09:08

After four years out of full time work he really does need to take any reasonable opportunity going, because the longer he is out of work the more difficult it is going to be to get back in.

The same applys to OP.

OP should take any job going, remember that taking an unskilled job will simply leave the family worse off than they are now.

Rather contradicting yourself in one post

OP's DH really does need to take any reasonable opportunity going,

Yet OP should not take any job going,

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/02/2014 09:08

Whereabouts in Scotland? Could you really not move with him? Give notice on your current house or rent it out and with the children being preschoolers you can all squash in together if needs be.

I would actively discourage DH from taking a job that meant he was away from home, moreso if he couldn't come back every weekend. But OTOH I am willing to move temporarily if need be (although we are in a city which is a centre for his speciality).

KeinBock · 04/02/2014 09:08

I may be wrong, but it does rather sound as though you are restricting yourself to a career-enhancing role (internship etc), rather than looking for any available job (waiting, bar-work etc). Is this the case? If so, YABVU to expect your dh to travel abroad to work at a dead-end and not especially lucrative job.

Quinteszilla · 04/02/2014 09:08

You are very keen for it all to be ideal for yourself... One of you will have to compromise but right now he is the one with a job offer. It would be a bit silly to say you should both now commit yourself to find work and who ever gets lucky first takes it.

Bonsoir · 04/02/2014 09:08

Of course he should take the job. No brainer.