aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

[formerbabe]

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

I wouldn't insist they like my children! DD is a whingey pickle at the moment - I'd be the one rolling eyes and sighing at yet another baby hissyfit. A hello and a response to max 3 of ds's endless questions (after which he'd be asked to let the adults speak or go off with daddy for a roam around) would be fine.

OP - your friends do sound a bit useless, but on the other hand you don't seem to grasp the dynamics involved. Getting to know other people's children takes a while, especially if like me you don't have your own and have to pick up everything up about childcare/child development from scratch.

Babysitting under 3s is quite scary if you don't have experience (what do you do if they're crying? how do you change a nappy? what hazards should you be looking out for?) and for children older than that you need to have an existing relationship with them so they trust you and you have a sense of what they like and don't like.

I used to be very clueless around small children... then one weekend I was staying with a friend who had DC aged about 4 and 1, and on the Sunday morning about 8 she opened my bedroom door and chucked the DC in, saying 'I've had no sleep, I'm totally knackered, can you look after them for a bit?' I was a bit taken aback but I learnt on the job!

Thing is though Shufty my kids are young (3 and 1) so say I invited you around one Wednesday at 2 chances are you'd have to make your own tea while I bfed DD, then DS would badger you relentlessly to play with him and I would spend the time walking DD around, getting snacks, changing nappies, etc etc. Would you enjoy that?

I'm childless and wouldn't offer to babysit a child under school age because... well, they scare me!

How do you get them to behave? What if they need help on the toilet / potty / wet themselves? What if they cry? Etc etc... the only people I know who babysit their friends' children actually are mothers themselves.

I take an interest in my friends children but my friendship is with the mother first of all.

Shufty you said in an earlier post that you might object to someone bringing their children to an afternoon out as children aren't your thing - on that basis I would imagine an afternoon stuck in the house with me and two demanding children wouldn't be much fun?

Chiming in with other posters here -- quite a few of my and DH's (mutual and otherwise) friends now have children. I don't have children for the excellent reason(s) that I don't want to have them and am not very good with them. No acquired experience has ever made me anything but a bit crap and uncomfortable with kids.

I would not be a good babysitter, though I have done it for people who were really, truly in a bind. There are other ways to help and support friends who have kids. Would feel pretty pissed-off if my whole worth as a friend came down to whether I was available for free childcare/whether I could entertain a child. And I'd feel resentful and imposed-upon in a particular way. Looking after somebody's children is different from helping them move or supporting them through a crisis or doing emergency proof-reading or any of the million other things friends do for each other.

Happily my friends who are parents are lovely people who know me well and find space in their lives for me, even though I'm not a cool auntie to their kids!

I, and most other parents of young children I'd imagine, would love a boozy child free pub lunch but for me and a lot of others it's too hard to organise due to lack of childcare. I would hope and expect my cf friends would be understanding and put up with my children being there for the time being. If they objected I'd feel very unsupported I suppose. Does that make sense Shufty?

Yabu. Your choice to have kids. Why on earth should your friends babysit ?

Cravey, I absolutely understand that people have very strong and different opinions on this, but I have to say that I find your post a bit sad, although I mean you no offence. Yes it's always people's own choice to have a baby, but I Like to think that I support and help my friends whatever their choices. I would never say to a good friend, "sorry I won't help you with that, you chose to do it, you've made your own bed now lie in it." Whether it's to do with children or anything else, I just don't think it's a very good attitude between true friends.

Annabelannabel, believe me I find my post far from sad. I have no issue with helping put friends. That for me however does not include looking after their children. I have a very good attitude thank you. In fact I quite often help out pals with things. Children however are off the list. I don't do kids. Simple really. Maybe stop reading too much into things ?

I do know what you mean - I have 3 child-free friends and though they all have an Auntie role with the DC and I feel I can ask them to baby-sit or come on an outing with us it does seem a bit as though there always has to be something in it for them. But perhaps I am being unreasonable to expect otherwise?

Back when I was childless, I would never have offered to babysit. Parents don't see how touchy they can be about their kids and childless people don't want to incur the wrath if the wronged parent as a nice thanks for offering to help.

The things you think are obvious about the care of your kid? They don't know. You probably wouldn't think to say it, or wouldn't want to make it too much if a chore by giving lists of instructions. But if they get it wrong or anything goes awry, god help the childless friend.

So basically, not for anything.

How often do you do things for your friends when there's absolutely nothing in it for you, Juggling? If you're like most people the answer will be 'yes, occasionally, but only in very specific circumstances, like emergencies or house moves'.

Many years ago my best friend announced she was pregnant. I was pleased for get but didn't realise how much it would change our friendship. Whenever I rang for a chat she just didn't have time for me anymore. I felt a bit resentful of this but in hindsight didn't have any idea of how all consuming children were. I did babysit occasionally but didn't really know what to do with babies it was just outside of my experience. Now her kids are teens we are great friends again. It must be hurtful to you feeling like your friends aren't really there for you but I think unless you have had kids yourself you have absolutely no idea. It's not a measure of how good friends they are or how much they cared about you, more a lack of understanding and being at different life stages I think.

My childless friends love spending time witg my dd and would babysit if I needed.

Good friends do whatever they can to help.one another - kids included!

unless you have had kids yourself you have absolutely no idea

Let's be carfeul with the sweeping generalisations please

Once when I was babysitting my friends twin babies, one of them started crying. Went into their room, picked up the boy and took him into parents bedroom for a cuddle. Then girl twin started crying! Went to pick her up but by the time I'd gone back into parents bedroom, boy baby had rolled off the bed and fallen onto the floor. Oops...!

Told friend and we laugh about it now thankfully. :)

I really dislike the 'you decided to have kids, so don't expect help' attitude. If you see a mum struggling up steps with a buggy, do you offer to help or tell her its her own fault for having them?

Maybe I was naive to have thought the offers of help and excitement during my pregnancy were genuine?

Yes, we did get rather diverted Shufty :). I suppose parents spend time together because they're obviously on the same page. I can totally understand my cf friends wanting adult time so that's why I contact them less. But if a cf friend invited me and DH to a Sunday lunch but specifically stated no children I'd probably say no unless it was a very special occasion (in which case I'd go to the considerable trouble of arranging childcare) and I'd consider that friendship at least on hold if not dead as I would think we were
just too far apart in terms of life circumstances

I think this largely depends on how much children are outside their frame of reference and how happy they are with that.

I grew up the youngest child of a youngest child. I had absolutely zero experience with children or babies, to the point where at the age of 21 I had never actually held a baby in my life ever. In my late teens/early 20s I instantly dismissed anyone with a child as being so far removed from my own life that it wasn't worth pursuing any kind of social relationship with them as what would be possibly have in common?

As I got a bit older I realised that parents are just people with children and got over that. Once I made this earth-shattering discovery, I realised that if I wanted person X who has a child to come to an event, I either needed to be sure they could get a babysitter or arrange an event that was suitable for them to bring their DC with them. In my mid-late 20s my house was often full of other people's children, and as a result I developed a bond with some of those children. I quite often babysat for friends before having my own DC. I don't think that's unusual or that the OP is being unreasonable for hoping that would have been the case with her friends.

Sounds to me as though your friendship group simply hasn't matured yet, although if they're already over 30 then perhaps they're just not that good friends after all?