aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

[formerbabe]

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

I agree with. Notnew, why remain friends then? Im surprised no one said anything at the lunch-presumably they invited you and asked you to bring her, rather then you just turning up.

You haven't said why you just don't ask a friend outright which makes me think that deep down you put off and only hint because you don't want to actually ask for help. Maybe you expect an answer you won't like, one that has you reassessing your friendships and yourself.

I would never expect a child free friend to babysit. I might ask if I was really stuck but otherwise I think it's a huge imposition. My parent friends and I swap babysitting and that's fair I think. If a childfree friend was really keen and offered I might take them up on it but I would emphasise that nothing beyond keeping the children alive and unmaimed was expected of them.

All I really expect is a bit of interest and understanding. The cf friend who rang me at 11pm when I had a 3 week old baby can fuck off on that account.

Theres a difference between an adult having a conversation with another adult in an adult environment (your 'date' example) and an adult expected to make baby talk to a 2 year old in an adult environment when they expected to be able to chat to their friend without the interruption of her toddler being around. My childfree friends come to my house sometimes. I can see a mile off that they are not particularly comfortable around my children, mainly because they have no experience of children. They would run for the hills if I asked them to babysit! We always go out without my children and I make a point of not talking about them unless I'm asked about them. I know about dating and work and holidays, because I've done it. I can have an opinion on it. They know nothing about childrearing. It would be a very one sided conversation, which would probably result in me saying 'It's not that simple...' quite a lot!

However if I brought my children to a pub lunch and my so called friends ignored them then I would reconsider the friendship. I don't expect babysitting but if we meet during the day then the children willl be there, that's part of the deal and I would find it very upsetting to have my children ignored. If you don't want to interact with my children don't invite me. I have other friends who aren't so self centred.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I'd arranged to meet up for a pub lunch with a group of friends and one of them brought their children and expected me to chat to them. I've come to see my friends, not chat to children.

You're sounding more unreasonable by the minute I'm afraid...

Shufty - no, they aren't, which is why people try and distinguish these days by using the terms childfree and childless.

I get that Shufty. It's not really about "rights." If a group of friends of mine are meeting up for a pub lunch on a Sunday we have three choices - don't go, one of us goes and leavss the other at home alone with the children (not really fair on the one left behind) or both go and take the kids. The "both go".is the best option - we get to spend time together and with friends and the children have a day out. If a friend objected I'd be really disappointed in them and figure they weren't really that keen on my company.

i haven't read all the replies, but i would be pleased that i had a group of non mummy friends, i appreciate what you are saying re it would be nice if they helped out, but having friends to go out for a drink or meal with without needing to discuss petty training etc can be quite nice too?
i know before i had children i would have been happy to 'help' friends who had babies but not confident enough to look after them alone, so would have offered company, cooked meals, picking up shopping but not actually taking them off your hands for a bit!

This is really hard. I understand that some people don't necessarily warm to children, but it's always difficult to manage these situations when a friend has a child. Whose opinions and feelings trumps others? Should friends drift apart when one has a child? Should the one with kids never be invited out in the daytime? Should the one with kids accept that their lives are different now and bow out of daytime lunches? should she accept that her friends don't want to get to know her kids? Or should the friends make a bit of effort with them if they are real friends. I do think this is difficult, when the dynamics of a friendship changes, it's hard for all and I'm not sure what the answer is, but I do feel sad for those friendships where child free friends don't embrace (at least in a small or token way) the new children of their friends, if they really are true friends

Minipie - in that case would you rather your friend with children didn't come?

I think your just finding fault with your friends. For what reason really? I can't believe that you went to a pub meal and your friends completely ignored your children . I'm sure they said hello. That's why you never answered my last question. Just because they didn't spend a full 2 hours engaging with your kids you take the hump? Your unreasonable really. Shouldn't you have been engaging with your friends too or why meet them?

I think theres more to this with you op. What is it are you a bit jealous of them or resentful because they don't have kids and have more free time. Do they exclude you from dates out?

It just comes across on here that your obviously not good friends with these women so why expect anymore from them. I think you should find some new friends.

If a group of friends of mine are meeting up for a pub lunch on a Sunday we have three choices - don't go, one of us goes and leavss the other at home alone with the children (not really fair on the one left behind) or both go and take the kids. The "both go" is the best option - we get to spend time together and with friends and the children have a day out.

I agree with this, but I also think the parents should be responsible for looking after/entertaining their kids whilst out - DH and I will take turns in being in charge of the kids so the other one can have a proper adult chat. Whereas the OP seems to be expecting her friends to entertain her DC.

formerbabe are you a lone parent and is your DCs' father not involved? If so I've got a lot more sympathy.

I think the answer is to not expect and if people offer to help then that's a bonus. If you want to ask a favour of them then make it clear. Don't sit there saying I'm struggling etc say I was wondering if you could babysit on this night ....

Cailin answer ^^ here.

That's fair minipie. I'd only expect my children not to be ignored. I wouldn't expect friends to do anything but pay them a bit of attention, ask a couple of questions and perhaps hold one for a second if necessary. Basic politeness really.

Completely ignored... I do wonder what that actually means? Personally I just wouldn't know what to say or do with a kid of that age, as I really have nothing in common with them and not a great deal to talk to them about. What would you expect me to do? How would you expect me to interact with them? Even with the best intentions I genuinely think I would struggle beyond a few polite hellos and platitudes.

If you are expecting more than that, I really do think you think the world revolves around your kids, because the entire met up would end up being about them and not meeting with the group of friends. Its pretty impossible for it to be about adults and about kids in that situation imho - I think it does end up being more one than the other naturally and if the balance of the group of friends is without kids thats what will happen.

Shufty - I contact my cf friends less now than I used to because I assume they don't want to come to children's birthday parties or go to soft play! I hang out with parent friends more because we are in the same boat and can entertain our kids together. I can't go out much in the evenings due to bfing baby who won't settle well for dh. That'll change with time though, cf friends just need to be a bit patient.

Before I had a baby I would offer to babysit/take out my friends kids but I genuinely like children now I have a baby I wouldn't expect my friends to babysit for me they go out most weekends/some week nights and 3 of them are single i think it depends where people are in their lives if they are still being young free and single chances are they don't want to hang out with noisy messy kids