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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

265 replies

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 09:26

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

OP posts:

ViviPru · 03/02/2014 10:02

I thought one of them could have offered to pop to the park with my eldest or pop over to see if I was OK or needed a hand...I would do that for someone.

You should have met them halfway. Explicitly asked if they wouldn't mind helping out.

After one of my BFFs had EMCS, I did things to help that I felt were within my remit, cooked loads of freezer food for them, did bits and bobs of shopping, took on some of their responsibilities, but it wouldn't have crossed my mind to offer to look after/take out DCs unless they'd explicitly asked me to.

annieorangutan · 03/02/2014 10:03

Op I get you I would be upset if my best friends didnt get on with my children. I would say most childless people look after their closest friends kids even my brother does with his single dad mate. Its hardly a big ask its what friends do for each other. There is not a lot you can do to change it if they are quite selfish though.

WooWooOwl · 03/02/2014 10:04

I really don't think it would occur to most childless people to offer to take an older child to the park to help out a mother with a newborn. That doesn't mean they aren't lovely people and good friends, just that they aren't mind readers.

I used to expect that if friends wanted to see me then they would have to fit in with my children sometimes, so they would come on school runs after we'd had coffee in the afternoon or they'd come to child friendly events that they liked the look of, but none of that really happened while the dc were still very little.

pussycatdoll · 03/02/2014 10:06

My 3 main single friends have done pick ups and drops off for me, took my children to cinema,zoo, play cafe,park and town without me on many occasions. They have babysat whilst I went out with dh and looked after them for my work meetings etc. Thats what friends do

Wow really ?
Unpaid babysitters!
What do you do for them ??

pictish · 03/02/2014 10:06

OP - they said what they did about the babysitting for something nice to say. At the time they probably even briefly imagined that they meant it.

However, I would say that having childless friends genuinely offering to babysit, is pretty unusual. It's certainly not something I've ever encountered. I was one of the first among my peers to have a baby as well. I never expected any of my friends to be involved with my child or offer babysitting.

They're at a different stage in life to you now you see? It's not a slight against your child at all, but for a lot of people that don't have kids yet, other people's children are of no interest beyond a pssing and polite one.

pictish · 03/02/2014 10:06

*passing

ouryve · 03/02/2014 10:07

Your children are your children and you shouldn't have any expectations of anyone who isn't related.

Notmadeofrib · 03/02/2014 10:08

Before I had children I didn't realise what it was like. I also don't really enjoy children and therefore would never have offered to take them to the park. I used to have my nephews for my sister about once a year and they are related to me!

Now I have kids I realise how hard it is and yes, would do it differently.

I was in my late 30's before I had children and very wrapped up in my career and social life.

Mind you, if you had said you were having a baby to me I wouldn't have been trying to project a fantasy situation to you.

annieorangutan · 03/02/2014 10:08

pussycatdoll - Decorated their houses/flate, help them move, look after them when their sick, help out their parents at the drop of a hat, dh does drop offs/picks up to practically anywhere/anytime of day/night for them, moves furniture for them, does any manual labour things for them etc. Just the usual things you do for your best friends surely

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:10

When your friends said they were really excited and would like to babysit blah, blah they were being nice , saying what you'd want to hear which in a way was being nice as you'd want them to get excited for you wouldn't you? And pay you some compliments. If they hadn't reacted and said anything you'd be saying there rude and not happy for you. But as life pans out there probably busy with their own lives and so often people can give basic levels of friendship but don't often go further than that. Many aren't prepared to give more than that. It's how close you are and to be close takes time and effort. There's many superficial friends in life.!

SaucyJack · 03/02/2014 10:11

I would say most childless people look after their closest friends kids

Couldn't agree less tbh.

The only people I know who regularly get childless friends to babysit are the ones who're the rudest and most entitled most pro-active about asking.

Everybody else just gets on with it themselves- with the occasional sleepover at Nanny's.

Original poster

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 10:12

When we moved house, they also never offered despite me saying that I was dreading moving with two kids....they texted me throughout the day however asking how it was going?!

One of them recently moved and my dh said he was going to offer to move/lift furniture...I told him not to because they had never offered to help us....tit for tat I know.

OP posts:

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 10:13

I've got to say I disagree with those saying you should ask. Before I had DD I hadn't been around children. I adored my niece and nephew but wouldn't have wanted to babysit them. The tears and tantrums scared me shitless. I would play with them, go and see them but when it got to the tough bits it was up to their Mum or Dad to deal with.

My brother has never looked after my DD apart from once when it was actually my Dad babysitting and he was just there for entertainment. I know he wouldn't be comfortable with it. He is amazing with her but similar to the way I was with my niece and nephew the parenting is up to me not him.

To directly ask someone who has never offered is putting them in an uncomfortable position and one which they may find very awkward saying no to. They are your friend not unpaid babysitters.

Of course I look after my friends children now and they do the same for me when I'm in a tight squeeze. They have done it once when my Mum has been unwell and I had a driving lesson booked, twice over a period of 4 weeks when a close family member was in a coma in an ICU and subsequently came round and was moved to a HDU, and once when I was invited to a family party (they offered I didn't ask). The times that I have asked have been times when I had no other option.

I think you underestimate how boring and actually stressful at times taking children who are not your own to places like the park/soft play when you have no parental experience.

MrsSteptoe · 03/02/2014 10:13

It's only a theory, but perhaps your friends were anxious to be excited for you because they felt that was the right way to be, IYSWIM? To be brutally honest, when my closest friend became pregnant, I honestly wanted to be excited for her because it was what she wanted and I felt she needed that support (given that her bf didn't want any more children). In retrospect, I can see how that might lead to disappointment - I don't think it did in our case, because she knew me very well and knew I didn't particularly enjoy the company of children - but I think you might have to accept that your friends were basically trying to make all the right noises because - well, would you have preferred them to ignore your pregnancy? Or just say "oh, that's nice" and then move on?

(I know, there was probably a middle ground between ignoring it and squeaking about becoming an auntie, but take it from someone who had to spend 20 years trying to find the right response to people telling me they were pregnant: it's hard to hit the right note and sound genuinely excited for your friend who clearly is thrilled with her pregnancy, but simultaneously make it clear that you really aren't that interested in developing a relationship with the forthcoming little people!)

Sorry, that's turned into a bit of a ramble!

Original poster

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 10:13

Saucyjack...I get on with it by myself all the time with no occasional sleepover at nannys because my kids have no grandparents, which was one of the reasons/why I thought my friends would be more helpful.

OP posts:

annieorangutan · 03/02/2014 10:14

Here everyone does stuff for each other as we arent talking random people we are talking actual really close friendship groups. I never have to ask my friends they just say you want a hand if you got blah arranged etc. I live in an area where we are all close family and friends. My brother is 24 and he has looked after his best mates kid for different reasons, same as hes had mine. You do stuff for each other if one of my friends rang and said my mum is stuck at airport and its 4am dh has driven there and picked up and gone straight to work and its miles away from us.

WooWooOwl · 03/02/2014 10:15

Your last post makes you sound really unreasonable!

You have no right to expect offers of help, especially from people who have no idea what sort of help you would appreciate.

Do these friends add anything to your life at all, or do they only have value if they can be unpaid babysitters?

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:18

Former babe - there you got then with the example of moving house. There your friends but your not that close.

Also I do think because none have kids you can't really bond over that and they would only appreciate how tough it can be at times with kids and how helpful it would be to offer to help out if they had them

wordfactory · 03/02/2014 10:18

OP, the great thing about childless friends is that they're childless!

They don't see you as Mummy, or if they do, it's in some vague notional way.

This has great upsides: you can be you and all the talk won't be about kids. The downsides are that they won't get your logistical problems.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 10:19

Wow, you sound very entitled. You also have a husband. Leave him a night a month to care for the kids while you enjoy a girly night out or in at one of your friends houses.

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:21

Former babe - that's a point what woohoo owl said. They aren't mind readers so you could ask occasional if they would babysit. See what happens. If it's always no then your not that good friends. I

Original poster

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 10:23

Really I think I am anything but entitled. I left my pfb with paid babysitters from 3months old so I could still socialise with my friends. My dh is perfectly happy to stay in while I go out but its nice to go out as a couple. I am talking about major life events when I have needed help like moving house/giving birth. I also would have liked them to have wanted to spend time/get to know my children not just because I fancy a night out.

OP posts:

MrsSteptoe · 03/02/2014 10:24

OP: OK, now you're beginning to be whiney. My parents are both dead, and were far too elderly to look after children when they were alive (they had me quite old, and I had my son quite old, so all in all, everyone was a bit crumbly). My DH's mother likewise. It really isn't everyone else's problem to pitch in because you don't have family help. Plenty of us don't have family available, for a variety of reasons. Use your friends with children for babysitting, reciprocate, and stop complaining that your childless friends aren't all sitting around thinking about how they can make your life with children easier. There's quite a bit of comment upthread about your friends not being very good friends, but you don't seem to place that much value on your friendships yourself if it's all that conditional.

Bedtime1 · 03/02/2014 10:24

But if you do ask make sure your a good friend to them to . It works both ways. If they do you a favour then perhaps be helpful to them. I honestly think your expecting too much as you don't seem to have a close friendship.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 03/02/2014 10:25

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