aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

[formerbabe]

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

Broken hearted, I don't think the two things are mutually exclusive, surely? I am sure op wouldn't expect her friends to drop everything to help her with nothing in return.

I for one don't view my struggles with coping with a young child any more or less important than the struggles of my childless friends, whatever they may be. If they need me, I am there and vice versa. I don't get the impression that OP is asking for 'something for nothing' as it were.

I have one child free friend who would drop everything to look after DD if I needed. She adores DD and is one of those people that's loves being around children. She's babysat loads for me and I could not be more grateful. She's the exception though and I have other childless friends I wouldn't dream of asking let alone expect them to offer. In fact even my "mum friends" I wouldn't ask to babysit unless absolute emergency.

I am sort of childless- have DSD one weekend per fortnight, but DP is obv NRP so no children living with us 'fulltime', and no bio children of my own.

I have looked after cousin's baby once when she had operation- she was there but in bed with mobility issues. However, she lives about 2 hrs away from me, with her 3 childless siblings and retired parents close by, so I can see why am not first choice!

DP and I have also offered to babysit for his DB's DD. However, she was velcro baby for ages, then they specifically asked about one date when we were busy- and they've never asked again. So not sure if they took that as a permanent no?! It certainly wasn't meant to be! Now they are due DD2 imminently, so I imagine won't be planning nights out for a while.

If either of those people asked me about a day when I was free I would love to do it and be there in a heartbeat.

As a child-free ladee, I'm virtually the only person I know who babysits for OPC (Other People's Children).

But it doesn't stop people asking - some types of person sniff a single person and immediately think Ooh, they've nothing to do, what can I get them to do for me. That's deeply unattractive.

OP, what makes you think your friends want to babysit your kids?

The bottom line is, unless or until someone becomes a parent, it is very common for them to have no interest in children (yours or anyone else's).

I have recently made a number of friends who are childless and intend remaining so/are beyond the age of becoming a parent. They display no interest whatsoever in my children and, although I refuse to pretend I don't have any children, ie, I talk about them freely, I realise my friends will never express an interest in them. That's ok. I value their friendship as a woman rather than as a mother.

I also think that childfree friends do not as a rule offer to be babysitter. They would usually have something on at weekends when they would be most likely to be asked to babysit. They might step in if it was an emergency. But that's about it.

I wouldn't offer or want to babysit my friends kids. Just don't know what to do with kids really, so would feel awkward. Having my own baby in a few weeks so will obviously have to learn, and am hoping some of my friends will babysit as they babysit other friends' kids and are obsessed with kids anyway - but the ones who have no kids of their own, nor any particular interest, I'd never even consider. I think you are rightfully disappointed but they have no obligation to look after your kids, same as you have no obligation to do "chores" for them!

Again, another one asking DID YOU ACTUALLY ASK THEM for help, or did you passively aggressively 'hint'?

OP your friends don't have children - they see you as a person to go out with not as a person who wants them to look after your children so that you can go out.
I probably spent a few minutes with children before I had DC ( no younger siblings) I would have been completely panicked at the thought of looking after someone elses child.

While I understand that you feel your friends should know your kids more. I think though you also don't seem to think of your childless friends feelings - suddenly important things in their lives are not important to you because you have kids. They ring you for a chat you talk about the kids and don't ask them about their lives.

As someone else has pointed out you are no longer available when they (if they work full-time) have time (evenings and weekends). It is actually very difficult to chat to a friend in the presence of her children - often half finished conversations, interrupted by the children with a distracted friend.

It is lovely to spend time with their children when they are old enough to interact, but almost always more fun to have a proper catch up just with the friend herself.

I have a friend who works ten minutes from me - she works full-time (her choice so does her husband), we occasionally meet for lunch, we have to eat quickly and she rushes away because she doesn't want to take a longer lunch as she would then have to work the equivalent time later. I was actually flabbergasted when she explained this to me, as it really hurt my feelings - i am worth so little to her, she can't see her daughter for half and hour less on one day once every 3 months. Another friend has announced to me that its only convenient for her to see me on saturday afternoons for coffee at her place. Possibly your single friends have had similar experiences.

Also now that I'm older - I see my friends kids and half want to cry because I want my own so much, but is not possible atm, my friends don't i'm sure realise this, but nevertheless its one reason why (in addition to feeling nervous about looking after other ppl's children) your friends may not be so keen to babysit. I have babysat for friends, but finding a time which is convenient for both of us (noting that being single your friends probably want to go out to meet someone) is practically impossible or would involve me missing the social event that we are both invited to.

I like kids so I tend to pay them quite a lot of attention, forge relationships with my friends' kids, have proper conversations with them etc. I don't have a daughter, I have two girls that I will have girly days with quarterly or so (children of friends).

I find that it stings a bit when friends of mine are obviously disinterested in my children. I find it a bit rude and I don't think YABU.

You don't have to be a parent to realize the weight this whole arrangement carries.

We quite often have close childfree friends round to our house in the evenings (arriving before DC's bedtime), meet for weekend lunches/outings, or even go on holiday together, which means they are very much a part of DC's life. Could that be an option for you to gently build up relationships?

If I needed to, I know I could call on a few for babysitting/other help, but so far I have never asked. On the whole we are in the very fortunate position of being able to afford an occasional babysitter and to have support from grandparents, so much prefer to do that.

Also, it does very much depend on the individual - some are much more interested in children than others, and I fully understand this.

OK you'd like them to offer to help when you are having a rough time, fair enough. But have you told them you are having a rough time and asked for help? If not do you phone them up and offer to help them?
If your friendship prekids wasn't like this (and most peoples aren't we tend to ask ask for help if we want it) then why should it be like this post kids?
You do seem to think that post kids they should be helping you whilst not feeling that you should be helping them. That's not how friendship works. You aren't wanting them as friends to have fun with, you're wanting them as people to do stuff for you because having kids isn't as much fun as you thought it would be (and it often isn't) although it sounds as though you haven't told them that.
Do you need a job? Is the relentless childcare getting to you? You sound unhappy but I don't think it's your friends fault, they haven't changed.

Fuzzle - I can understand why that feels hurtful. Just to look at the other side if the coin.

It is soooo incredibly stressful to try and have a conversation with someone when your child is screaming or crying or shouting in the background. You'd dearly love to just sit and listen to your friend, take part in a grown up conversation and feel like you have a brain. But you can't just ignore your kid and you are freaking out that your child's noise is disturbing others or that they are hurt.

Your friend you meet for lunch. Yes, she can see her daughter half an hour less the day she meets you. But if her child is still young, she may go to bed at 7pm. That half and hour might be half or even all of the time she sees her daughter that day. That's hard and may make her feel guilty. She wants to meet you for lunch, and probably has other friends she wants to catch up with too. Yes, it's 'her choice' to work full time but that doesn't make it easy.

The friend who wants you round at her house for coffee. Again, on the outside seems unreasonable and dictatorial of her. But taking kids out can be hard (see above). In their own home they can round around and have their toys giving their mum the best chance she has of concentrating in what you are saying. Depending on their ages they may also have nap routines she is trying to work around. You may well say that one missed nap isn't going to kill anyone and that's true but it might mean your friend is going to have a hellish rest of the day or a bad night with an over tired kid.

And yes, yes, everyone has said that it is OP's choice to have kids but that doesn't make it easy. That's sort of like saying that someone in a high pressure job who has work related stress shouldn't say anything about it because they chose that job.

BonaDea - there is nothing there that can't be worked around. Many of my friends are childless for various reasons and, as I had mine late, we were childless together. The difference is, I want to still see him and not impose my DDs on anyone (CF or not - I may think they are the most gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful beings to ever walk the earth, but to others I understand they are stinky, screamy, demanding brats), so I make an effort. I sort out childcare, I understand that it's not the end of the world for my DH or paid babysitter to spend a few hours with them so I can go out with my friends (CF or parents). Even now, I prefer to see my adult friends without children. There are times and places where children can come, but pubs, lunches out, evenings out, work things are really not those times.