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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

265 replies

formerbabe · 03/02/2014 09:26

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

OP posts:
echt · 04/02/2014 09:53

Friends, not fiends.:o

Mimishimi · 04/02/2014 09:55

In that situation (eg giving birth) surely you made arrangements and asked someone beforehand though? Why would you waste your time trying to drop hints about it?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 04/02/2014 09:55

I needed someone to babysit my eldest child when I was giving birth because I wanted my dh to be with me during labour!

How would your friend have organised this time off work? Unless it was a planned section you would have no way of knowing a date. You aren't family so her work would be unlikely to authorise an emergency family care day, not to mention it could have been longer than a 24 hour period, I was in labour for 42 hours. It would possibly mean your friend taking unpaid and unauthorised leave, or calling in sick which would negatively impact on her own career.

I do appreciate it is a difficult situation to be in but it's unfair to expect a friend to make themselves available day or night for potentially a month (2 weeks before due date and 2 weeks after).

Wishfulmakeupping · 04/02/2014 09:56

Putting the babysitter issue aside - which I think you've taken at face value when in reality its just a thing people say when you're expecting- I had lots of offers I think if I actually called them up on it - it would never happen.
but in terms of feeling let down by your friends not engaging your dc yanbu I would be upset if my dc were blatantly ignored too. This doesn't sit well with me at all

wildfig · 04/02/2014 10:06

I think you need to make a distinction in your head between

a. I wish my childless friends would babysit to give me a break in the same way that I'd help them move house

and

b. I wish my childless friends would offer to babysit because my baby is part of me and I feel they should take an interest because of that.

A. isn't fair, because they're simply not the best people to do the job. Looking after small children is fraught with potential danger to the inexperienced - would you let your non-driving friend drive your Ferrari home from the pub?! If you want them to babysit, you'll have to teach them how. Start small. Don't expect too much. If they don't want to do it, they don't want to do it. I wish my friends had offered to help paint my house, but most of them are solicitors, not decorators.

and

B. to be honest, unless the baby is particularly charismatic, 'being related to me' only goes so far with childless friends, sorry. It's like being introduced to a distant, occasionally incontinent aunt who speaks no English, has nothing in common with you, is prone to unexpected, inexplicable tantrums, and requires constant interpretation. You would sit there politely for an hour or so, but she would definitely put a bit of an atmosphere on a pub lunch with the girls. Again, you have to help this situation by making it easier for both parties. You spend your entire day with your children, either physically or mentally - these friends are starting from scratch.

Since my friends had children, I've lowered my expectations about get-togethers and shoulders-to-cry-on, and none of them expect me to be anything more than politely interested in their kids. The fact that I am interested in their children to a point and they do make time to see me is a nice bonus.

ViviPru · 04/02/2014 10:10

a distant, occasionally incontinent aunt who speaks no English, has nothing in common with you, is prone to unexpected, inexplicable tantrums, and requires constant interpretation. You would sit there politely for an hour or so, but she would definitely put a bit of an atmosphere on a pub lunch with the girls.

Just SO MUCH Grin at this!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 04/02/2014 11:12

Most of your posts are whinging because your friends won't act as free babysitters, so YABU.

I am 25 and currently childless, would very much like to have them though, if health permits. A couple of friends recently had babies. Our little group ensures that we offer child friendly alternatives. A friend recently had a birthday lunch instead of a night out in the pub, so they could bring the babies and join in. But none of us would offer to babysit unless someone specifically asked. Why? Because we are not mind readers, nor regular babysitters. I will always help out if needed of course but that doesn't mean I will (regularly) offer myself up so my friends can go out with other friends without me! Confused The trouble when you have a group of friends is that if X is having a birthday party and Y has a baby, why would I offer to babysit the child and miss out on the party myself?!

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 04/02/2014 11:52

People always offer to babysit when you're up the duff, its just what people say, nobody actually wants to babysit. I mean, lets say your group of mates wanted a night out, you want to go too, so you drop hints to one of them, do you honestly think they are going to want to stay in with your kids and miss out while you go out?

And as for taking your kids to a pub lunch why didn't your partner look after them so you could go? I have kids but even i wouldn't be amused if i thought i was going for an adult day out and somebody turned up with their kid in tow

brokenhearted55a · 04/02/2014 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grabaspoon · 04/02/2014 13:44

I am child free but work as a nanny. doesn't mean I want to look after my friends kids at the weekend. I do see them and ask about them but I have taken them out / baby sat very rarely for them. I am happy to see my friends with her kids but I actually prefer to see my friends without the kids. Thankfully my friends don't expect me to want a relationship with their kids even if I am named guardian in the will.

brokenhearted55a · 04/02/2014 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 04/02/2014 14:00

I'm unclear about how much you've actually asked your friends to babysit.
If you didn't expect them to read your mind before you had kids and magically know what your needs are then why expect them to do it now?
Babysitting at night when the kids are asleep is just boring though so I wouldn't ask a friend to do that unless stuck and would pay them. You might find that they would help you move or take the sprog for a walk if you actually asked them. Dropping hints is pointless, if you asked them if you wanted help pre-kids why have you resorted to dropping hints post kids?
I also think that other people's kids are fine in small doses but generally adults are more interesting to talk to.
It sounds as though you no longer like this group of friends much anyway as you now only seem to value them for how interested they are in your kids, you don't value them for their other qualities.
If they're really friends I'd be getting your husband to look after the kids and going out with them to chat and enjoy yourselves.

BonaDea · 04/02/2014 14:04

I don't know why so many people on this thread have had to be so shitty to the op.

In my view close friends should take an interest in our children and should definitely be there to offer a helping hand when it is needed. All this guff about 'your children, your choice' is horrible.

Op, yanbu. It might just come down to them being quite clueless. But my childless close friend often babysits for us when we need a night out etc. She enjoys it.

brokenhearted55a · 04/02/2014 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 04/02/2014 14:15

It's not clear if the OP's friends have ever refused to help though, it sounds as though they've never actually been asked. They haven't offered to do stuff, but then again the OP probably hasn't offered to do all sorts of stuff for her friends but maybe would if she was asked.
It sounds as though she is trying to change the dynamics of the friendship from one in which they are all equals to a situation where she is the needy one who the others help, but without actually being asked to help.

BonaDea · 04/02/2014 14:18

Broken hearted - of course I would do those things for a friend and have done on many occasions. Isn't that what being a friend is about? I'm truly flabbergasted that people seem to have 'friends' but not help each other out!!

MeepMeepVrooooom · 04/02/2014 14:28

BonaDea I think the reason the OP has received the responses she has is because she is not happy with her friends for not offering to do something which she has never actually asked them to do.

She appears to expect her friends to be able to read her mind and also expects them to have offered to look after her children when they are obviously not comfortable with it. If they were they would interact more with her kids and spend more time with them Confused

My best friend has a cat, I do not like cats. I wouldn't ever offer to look after her cat because they sit and plot in the corner while watching your every move waiting for you to relax and then they pounce

Friends IMO don't expect you to do things you aren't comfortable with. She has her friends who have children and her single friends. I think that's a pretty good set-up. A group you can do kid things with, fall back on for emergency babysitters, invite round for a cup of tea while the kids play and a group you can go out and just be you, have a few drinks and not be xxxxxxxx's Mummy all the time.

RedToothBrush · 04/02/2014 14:41

Quite Meep, plus the OP got the response she did in part because she equated babysitting children to helping someone with a buggy on the bus WHILST also complaining that her friends don't even take much of an interest in her kids.

Her basic problem is she fails to realise how daunting, emotionally involved and fraught with the issue of responsibility looking after others children is when you don't have the experience or enthusiasm for it.

It is not just an every day favour. Its a bloody big deal.

And she basically came on here for a whinge and not to listen to reasons why childfree friends are different to friends with children. If she took on board anything anyone had to say, I might have more sympathy.

Daykin · 04/02/2014 14:49

I have a child free friend who occasionally babysits for me because

A - I ask her and she is available
B - I pay for a takeaway for her and her DP and give them a bottle of wine

By occasionally I mean about once a year. I think I have some pretty nice friends but none of them turn up and randomly ask if they can take my kids to the park or zoo.

Original poster
formerbabe · 04/02/2014 14:59

Like I said before I use paid babysitters as I don't have family to help, except my dh obviously but it's nice to go out as a couple. I have had two nights away from my dc1 in his whole life and never spent a night away from my 2dc. I don't want help from my friends because I am lazy or can't be bothered to look after them. I would have liked an offer of help when I was having a rough time not just for me but so my DC could get to know them and vice versa.

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 04/02/2014 15:05

formerbabe I don't think anyone is suggesting you are lazy at all, if anyone has then they are being unfair. Just that your expectations of your childless friends and unrealistic.

brokenhearted55a · 04/02/2014 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2014 16:52

"I would have liked an offer of help when I was having a rough time not just for me but so my DC could get to know them and vice versa."

You would have liked an offer, that's fine, nothing wrong with that. But no one offered & you never asked directly, so you need to get over it. Your friends don't owe you anything in the way of 'services'. If you've done things for them in the past expecting reciprocity rather than out of the goodness of your heart, IMHO that's not what friendship is about.

I think you just have to accept that your childless/free friends just aren't that interested in getting to know your DCs. It really doesn't matter why they aren't interested, they just aren't. DH and I have quite a few childfree couple friends who never showed the slightest bit of interest in our sons until they became teenagers. I guess at that point our CF friends felt they could 'relate' to them. Who knows? Again, you need to just get over idea that your friends 'should' be interested in your children. Their loss, children (especially mine! LOL) are wonderful and just full of surprises.

Part of friendship is accepting our friends for who and what they are. Not expecting them to be something they aren't or to change to suit our ways.

LemonDrizzleCake11 · 04/02/2014 16:55

To paraphrase one of my friends fathers... children are like farts, your own are ok but anyone elses are horrible....

fancyanotherfez · 04/02/2014 17:21

My experience with friends who don't have children are that my friends divided into three camps.

  1. Those who had children at approximately the same time as us. We kind of grew into our new lives together. When we see each other, we talk about each others kids as well as other things. They understand without me having to say anything that I have to see if I have childcare before I go out with them.
  2. Those who didn't have their own kids, weren't massively interested in my kids but are prepared to see me far less than they used to and talk about them/ to them in small doses with me present. They would never in a million years offer to babysit, and I wouldn't expect them to, no matter how much of a hard time i was having. It's not fair on them or the children. We were asked by one of our friends if they could babysit when they were expecting their first for practice. Their ashen faces when we came back were a picture!
  3. Those who didn't have their own kids and were not prepared to accommodate my new responsibilities. These have drifted away, sadly.