aibu to expect more from my child free friends....

[formerbabe]

Morning all

So I have a few 'mummy friends' but my main group of girlfriends are mainly still young, free and single (we are in our 30s). There are about 7 of us who have been friends for years...I am the only one with children. When I was pregnant, everyone was so excited...saying they would babysit, discussing who would be the coolest 'auntie' etc.

Fast forward to 6 years later...and despite me still firmly being friends with them, they barely know my kids. When they do see my kids at social events, they practically ignore them. They never have offered to babysit, even when I gave birth to my second baby and had no one to look after my eldest. My kids are very shy around them as they are near enough strangers to them.

I don't know if iabu in expecting more? Do your child free friends offer to babysit/take them out etc?

And I would babysit my friends kids if they asked but I wouldn't just randomly offer

If you don't ask, then don't be disappointed if you don't get. We're not all psychic.

Roffle at "hinty fucker". Sorry. :o

Do you ever spend any time with your friends without your children? The thing that drives me mad about friends with kids is when they can't hold a conversation without breaking off every few sentences to talk to the child. If they feel they're not really getting your attention any more, perhaps they're less inclined to help you out. And if they are babysitting, that means you're out with someone else that eve and not with them.

Personally I'd not offer to babysit without being asked, because my experience is that parents are very particular about how the child should be looked after and I would be afraid they didn't think I was up to the job, creating an awkward moment if they then turned me down. Having said before the baby was born that I'd baby sit, I would consider that an open offer to be taken up as and when required.

Bf 1 - yes. And she was bloody grateful.
Bf 2 - never. She's a very attached parent, I would have felt very judged/been on tenterhooks.

I wouldn't know what to do with a child and would be even more worried about someone else's. I just don't get them.

I haven't got kids. I've not wanted them until now. Other people's kids also bore the tits off me. My BIL and SIL keep trying to force their brat on me and make a big fuss of EVERY FUCKING CARD having images of their child on and calling me Aunty. I find in in my face and I try and avoid them as much as possible as a result. I despise the pressure and expectation that I should coo and chuck over their child and that it should also be the centre of my world in addition to theirs. To make it worse they are fully aware that I have a few issues with regards to kids, and are completely bloody insensitive about it.

On the other hand we have two friend who we went away with, last year. They have an 18month old. DH is very good with him, but I wasn't but they understand this. I'm just not a natural, feel that maternally inclined nor confident with kids. They have been brilliant about it and I have no hesitation in wanting to spend time with them.

So I think YABU and potentially extremely ignorant/insensitive about why why people without kids might not want the 'pleasure' of yours.

YOU chose to have your kids. Not your friends.

And if I'm completely honest, I think you are lucky that if you are in a group of friends where none of the others have kids, that you have managed to stay friends at all. Thats quite unusual, simply because of your changes of priority and interest in life. I actually think you should focus on the positive side of that rather than being negative about what they are not/have not done.

I am amazed that you thought this was a serious offer - surely it is just one of those things people say at baby-showers?

The other scenario is that people bring their babies in to work. Colleagues cluck and say 'ooh, she is so gorgeous, let me know if you want any babysitting'. They don't actually mean it! They are not at home waiting for your call with their diary open.

If your sad at their lack of interest can you honestly say that you have showed an interest In them? Maybe there thinking the same as you but not kids related where they thought you could have shown interest. What do you think?

When you first announced your pregnancy course there going to sound happy for you that's the basics of friendship. It doesn't mean they will follow through with babysitting etc. and showing lots of interest. Kids aside Do they show interest in you? Do you in them?

I have had load so people like when I got married say allsorts but they never followed through with it.

Netsuke I agree it does suck finding out people aren't what you thought or wanted more from a friendship. At the same time you do have to ask yourself honestly wether your a good friend too and if the op can say she is then I agree it must suck for her to give and show interest and not get much back. It does hurt but at least you know and you will met other people that became good friends.

Putting the baby sitting aside, I just find it hurtful when everyone goes for a pub lunch for example, so I bring my kids and no one tries to engage or have a chat with them. They are well behaved (truly!) and my ds loves to chat to people and I find it sad to see him ignored.

Former if your friends never come up to your expectations, why do you continue to remain friends with them?

Red tooth - I get that yes some of my family do that... Cards etc trying to make you feel bad. It's not fair that. Nobody should be pressured it should be left to develop naturally. If it does it does, if it doesn't it doesn't with the kids. No need to get nasty if it doesn't . If you and the family member / friend are close it often develops with the child, that's how it works. If your not close to the family member/ friend etc then it's hard to develop a relationship with their child. Particularly if you fall out a lot and don't really get on, it's just strained all round.

Former babe - would you say your a good friend to your friends? Do you go out of your way for them..? Not just gifts in general. Are you helpful etc

I feel for you op. It is so so hard sometimes especially with absent gp. Real, mature friends should help out occasionally. Not too much to ask. There will come a time when help can be returned. I too would feel disappointed. And wouldn't feel like supporting them when they gave dc, which is harsh I know.
Maybe it's time to put some distance between you and focus on building friendships elsewhere. It really isn't that difficult to give a child some attention for 5mins when meeting up.
If they were bringing a new boyfriend they would expect you to make an effort and this is no different.
Hope you're not feeling too down.

Bedtime....I rarely drink so spent most of my late teens/early twenties being the new unpaid cab driver for nights out!

So when you went to this meal, did your friends not say hello to your baby at all?

Friendship is consistent though it's not just the past it's always evolving. The effort you put in you get back and if you don't get anything back then it's time to move on.

OP, your children are boring to the childfree. This is not a slight against your offspring. Your friends will likely never show interest in them, so best to hang out with other parents or enjoy childfree time with childfree mates.

That maybe true onesleep but their latest internet date isn't interesting to me but if she drags him along to the pub, I will make polite small talk!

Former I repeat my earlier question. If your friends do not meet the expectations you have of them, why are they still your friends? People change, priorities change, people move on. If you find other mothers are a better 'fit' or friend for you now that you are a mother yourself, and you find childless or childfree friends disappoint you, stick with the former and make new friends who are parents.

Oh dear OP, you've turned in to one of those parents. Expecting an adult meal to revolve around Sesame Street and the Wiggles with a young child barely able to say their name. Your children may attend the meal, but a couple of hours expecting to be engaging someone else's child is not most people's idea of a fun meal, no matter how adorable you think your children are.

Putting the baby sitting aside, I just find it hurtful when everyone goes for a pub lunch for example, so I bring my kids and no one tries to engage or have a chat with them. They are well behaved (truly!) and my ds loves to chat to people and I find it sad to see him ignored.

They're in the pub for crying out loud......... If they'd wanted a child-centric day out they'd have gone to the zoo. Sorry.